If I'm gonna be a rock star, might as well be Shirley Manson

Let me explain.

Here in the OC (aka Orange County, CA, home of Disneyland, blondes, tans, fake boobery, and the largest concentration of plastic surgeons in North America), I’m a redhead in a sea of blondes. One who makes her living by writing, ya know, words. Reading them, too. And I help other people all over the world do the same. Most of the time, they pay me for it. Lots of times, I offer free help (my blogs and Twitter streams). That’s always been my goal.

Many of you may know me as @RachelintheOC, author. Others know me as @BadRedheadMedia, social media consultant and branding/marketing chick. Others, as the one who recently started affordable indie author advertising sites @indiebookpromos and @bkpromocentral. Regardless, my goal is and has always been to write and sell my own books, build my social media and author platform, and help others learn to do the same.

Rochelle is a PR and social media rock star. One of my social media mentors, Sean Gardner aka @2morrowKnight, introduced us way back in oh, 2009, when I was a little grasshopper finding my way around the Twitter landscape. Rochelle was kind enough to follow me, retweet me, and introduce me to some heavy hitters here in the OC. I’ll always be forever grateful for her kindness and advice.

As I built up my own targeted following, she and I have kept in touch, inviting each other to various events, keeping one another apprised of various big life moments (her marriage! To a super guy), my books and new business; always supportive, yet never quite able to hook up.

And yet now, here we are, meeting on Friday at the #OCSMS, the first official social media brainchild of Rochelle and her two equally amazing sisters, Chelsey and Haley, aka the OC Triumvirate, with over 700+ attendees expected, six keynote speakers, twelve panelists, and some rock stars.

Okay, who are the rock stars? Not actual ‘rock stars’ though I did hear singing when I attended the photo shoot the other night. (So, okay yea, we met already. Cheating!) Oh, what photo shoot you ask? One Rochelle was kind enough to ask me to come to. She wanted a few of us not keynoting or paneling to come and have professional shots taken, where we offer our top social media tips along with our faces to run on the screen background throughout the day. (Fortunately, I wore makeup so I wouldn’t scare people.)

Now come on — who’s the rock star here?

If you’re in the OC area, I urge you to register for the event via Eventbrite. I have the registration form over there —->>>>. It’s FREE! The speakers are all amazing, accomplished, and want to share their tips for success with you. I can’t wait for my brain to be full of excellent mush with all the stuff I’m gonna learn. (Location: The Refinery, Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, CA).

If you can’t attend, search on the Twitter hashtag #OCSMS Friday, all day for info and tips. I’ll be live tweeting.

So will about 700 others.

Related articles

• Sara’s Smile by Sandra Bunino (edenbaylee.wordpress.com)
• Blogging Basics: Kickass Ways to Structure Your Blog Posts (amberrisme.com)
• The Dos and Don’ts of Writing Critiques (blog.ciaraballintyne.com)
• Guest Post – Melissa Groeling, author of Traffic Jam (sugarbeatsbooks.com)
• Indie Pride: I’ve never played well with others #indierocks (fightingmonkeypress.com)

Joshua Rockin’ the Chemo

Related articles

• UPDATE to #IndiesUnite4Joshua ~ The Final Push to $10,000 (edenbaylee.wordpress.com)
• “Cancer – My Story” (edenbaylee.wordpress.com)
• UPDATE to #IndiesUnite4Joshua ~ The Final Push to $10,000 (chazzwrites.com)
• Indies Unite for Joshua presents a VIDEO SERIES (edenbaylee.wordpress.com)

I wrote this essay during a difficult time, but it helped shape me as a person, and as a woman. 

Hopefully, what you’ve come to expect from me as a nonfiction writer is honesty, regardless of topic. What follows is an excerpt from my upcoming book due out soon, Broken Pieces.

China Doll

I felt the storm break in my heart.

Maybe I knew he was gone before I got the call; perhaps even before he left.

I can admit that now.

His words were strewn with dissatisfaction, regret. I thought, initially, he was simply reconnecting to apologize for us; for all those years of burden he carried for the hurt in my heart. I knew he hoped for more. But I didn’t know how to carry more, where to hold more in my neatly ordered life.

I had no more in me.

I could feel the storm, in his words. He had lost so much: beloved but lost mother, best friend, hated father, his best friend’s father who had basically raised him. So many deaths. The drinking had ruined him; his marriage, his relationship with his young son. He’d lost his job, his truck, his home. I knew some of this, of course. I would find out the full damage later, though.

After.

He only told me bits and pieces. His language so spare, almost as if he had created his own. I gleaned as much as I could from every conversation, trying to understand unspoken words, breaths held.

If only I had read between his lines. Would I have known?

If I had closed my eyes, would I have felt his words, not just seen them?

I could feel his anger through the words; yet also his desire, his love. See who I am now! he would shout at me in his missives. I’m not that man anymore who would hurt you.

You’re my china doll, baby.

He carried me for twenty years, taking me out, looking at me before putting me back on his shelf. Who he thought I was. Not realizing I’d become a different person. A doll who didn’t break quite so easily. He forgot he used to call me “handful” for good reason.

The mind warps what time can’t forget.

I forgave him the hurt he caused me. Excuses all, but it has to be enough.

It’s easier to forgive him for cheating on me than for taking his own life. That will take some time.

Time won’t let me forget.

I don’t know that I can forgive time for that.

Those who love me then hated him. They are glad he’s gone. They are afraid I’m glorifying him in some way. I know they say this out of love, worry, protection.

I tell them not to. I know he hurt me. Remember, I left him. But I’m a big girl. It’s okay for me to write about him; stories, essays, and poetry. This is what I do.

I’m allowed to forgive him.

It’s my life, my choice, my heart. MY grief.

I’m not his doll. I’m not anyone’s doll.

Then again, I’m not the one who broke.

I appreciate your comments, thoughts, and all the rest.

Related articles

• Podcast #15 – Amber & Dionne Jiggle Balls With Tonya (dionnelisterwriter.wordpress.com)
• #SixSunday – Malia Mallory Shares an Excerpt from WIP Mia’s Cop Craving 2 – Double Teamed (abcsoferotica.wordpress.com)
• it’s not supposed to rain in the basement (ericaluckedean.com)
• An homage to my husband… (juliarachelbarrett.net)
• Series Sunday – Review – When He Was Wicked by Julia Quinn (sugarbeatsbooks.com)

You’ve heard it a million times, I write because I need to. In most cases this is not an embellishment. There is a need in dispelling the emotions, especially the intense ones.

I have this sort-of dueling personality that I know Rachel loves. I vomit rainbows and butterflies and beg the world to forgive, let go, and move on. This is at the core of me. Yet, inside my books you will find that darkness and grief reveal itself time and time again. Here is where the proof lies in regards to the need for me. I take on the world and I do it happily. I am the go-to girl for the listening ear, and I love it. This has been me since I was in Junior High. I told my mother I wanted to be a therapist and she told me I couldn’t handle it. I would take everything home with me, and she was right.

One thing I pride myself with, and feel is unique in my writing process, is that I can slide right into another’s shoes. Even when I write first-person, it is not always about me. My recent collection, Threads of Life, follows a series of bad relationships and touches on the issues of physical abuse. There is a toxicity that flows through the pages which is eventually expelled, and forgiveness is found. Although I am not a complete stranger to physical or mental abuse, these stories are not about me. They came from you. I am so touched by others’ journeys that I take them in, feel them deeply and let them back out. My writing helps me to bring on the world’s grief and release it in a healthy way.

Writers are an amazing group of people; imaginative, witty and resilient. I admire what people are able to lay out for the world to read. I am in awe of the creativeness that is in so many. This is where my rose-colored vomit and excessive hearts come into play. We are so consumed by our disparaging moments that we forget to find the joy in the everyday things. Not to mention the wonder in the inspiring people around us. I spend enough time playing into the sadness through my poetry that I am going to find happiness in passing on some joy on a day-to-day basis. This has blessed me in more ways than I can say. I think I live a healthier life not living inside a bubble of constant brooding emotions.

Don’t be selfish with your joy, your hope, or your magic. Share it with the world. ♥

Working with the wonderful authors and writers that I do has called me to write this small offering to the creative world. We all seem to share so many of the same joys and disappointments, and I wanted to give an extra tool that will inspire you to keep going and do it in a healthy way.

Book Blurb:

Writers and creators can often face a rollercoaster of emotions that build unnecessary barriers to the artistic flow. Weekly Inspirations for Writers & Creators contains fifty-two topics followed by affirmations and writing prompts, tips and inspiring activities to engage and build confidence. Each week you will have an idea to focus on and a small task to complete that help you in your journey to overcome, and keep creating.

Jessica Kristie is the author of several poetry books, and the co-creator for the ArtPlatform book Inspiration Speaks Volume 1 which is now available in print and eBook through all major retailers, and benefits ColaLife.org. She is also the founder of the Woodland, CA, poetry series, Inspiring Words—Poetry in Woodland.

Dreaming in Darkness is Jessica’s first volume of poetry; the winner of the 2011 Sharp Writ Award and nominated for a 2011 Pushcart Prize. Jessica’s second book, Threads of Life, is available through Winter Goose Publishing along with her eBook offering to writers, Weekly Inspirations for Writers & Creators.

Jessica has been published in several online and print magazines such as Zouch, Muse, A Writer’s Point of View and TwitArt Magazine. You can find all of Jessica’s appearances under her Press Page at JessicaKristie.com.

Born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, Jessica Kristie discovered her passion for writing as a child. Her inspiration comes in many forms, often inspired by just a word or quickly fleeting emotion. Through years of writing she has been able to capitalize on her experiences, whether they are painful or joyous. She hopes to draw you close to her world through shared emotion while inspiring you to forgive, remember, and heal.

Follow Jessica:

Jessicakristie.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JessKristie

Twitter: @jesskristie

Related articles

• Dreaming in Darkness by Jessica Kristie (edenbaylee.wordpress.com)
• Weekly Inspirations for Writers & Creators (jessicakristie.com)
• Writer and editor Loren Kleinman dishes up the “yummy center of indie.” (tobyneal.net)
• Inside the Author’s Mind – Jessica E. Subject (edenbaylee.wordpress.com)
• Lucky 7 Lines: From Two Justin Bog Books (justinbogdanovitch.com)

I speak Mancode. I do Chickspeak.

I don’t however, speak Cowcode.

Let me explain.

In my first book, A Walk In The Snark, and in my upcoming nonfiction collection of essays, Broken Pieces, I discuss love, loss, fear, connections, grief, and even death.

Some people are quite moved by the few (four or five) essays I included in that first collection about the death by suicide of my ex-love, D. He contacted me as I was putting the book together after twenty-five or so years apart. Married for almost eighteen years (at the time), I was surprised to hear from him.

Three months after that initial contact, he shot himself.

As a writer, I poured my shock and grief into my writing. Many folks have contacted me with their own stories and the experience has been incredibly heartbreaking and moving for me. I’m honored by the friendships, support, and trust.

Others have attempted to crucify me for my honesty.

I say attempted because well, A) I don’t take it personally and B) life’s too damn short to let others hang their shit on me. Here’s how I look at it:

I am not a cow.

You see, I’m not a piece of meat my guy and D had to barter or trade for. There were no rules to the game for them to discuss before D was “allowed” access to me.

I am an adult. I am a woman. Being married does not, in this country, mean I am owned. A noun means a “person, place or thing” (despite my older sister’s protestation that I was indeed a ‘thing’ when she was in the first grade. Oh, and for the record, she has now upgraded me to person, I’m happy to report.).

Does that make me an ‘it,’ who needs permission, who must ask her owner to talk to an old flame about her past?

The entire concept is udderly (sorry, had to) foreign to me.

By reconnected, I mean we spoke, online. After many years apart, he contacted me, asking for forgiveness.

Yes.

A chance?

No.

(Of course, I was courteous and respectful of my guy who encouraged me to have these conversations with D since so much was unresolved with us for so many years).

I consider it a gift from the universe that 1) my guy is so awesome – der, why else would I still be with him?  2) that D contacted me at all since so much was unsettled between us for so long, and 3) that we talked about everything we did before he took his life.

Who gets to do that?

Somehow, and try to stay with me here, I am fully capable of having a conversation with another man without it signifying anything more than…I’m having a conversation with another man.

I’ll let you think about that.

Even…if it’s a man I once loved. Or a man I once had orgasms with. This seems to FREAK PEOPLE OUT. But guess what? Somehow, I was able to control my hormonal female urges and talk to the guy without getting on the first plane out and fucking him.

Imagine that.

The negativity and judgmental statements regarding my honesty about this experience shows how very threatening and upsetting to people (go read the reviews sometime) my transparency about this experience is.

Which I dig, by the way. Any emotion I evoke in people rocks my world, so thank you, any and all reader reviewers. I appreciate the time you took to read my little bookie wookie.

I’m okay with writing even more about my experience with D because it was a huge gift. And if that upsets people, excellent. More people to piss off.

Most people who end their relationships abruptly, for whatever reasons, carry that pain around for years. As I did. And now I don’t. It’s so beautifully simple.

I took this gift, without anyone’s permission. Because I’m an adult who makes decisions for herself.

I have that now. A healing. All wrapped up in a neat little package, tied with a red bow inside my heart.

Moo.

(Too angry? I don’t want to be angry.)

I welcome your comments below.

Related articles

• #FoS is 99 cents on Kindle and Nook(yafantasyauthor.com)

  ---

• cock-a-doodle-do!(ericaluckedean.com)

  ---

• A Night Away – Six Sentence Sunday #38(carrieannryan.blogspot.com)

  ---

• NO THANK YOU On Twitter, Please: 5 Top Alternatives(badredheadmedia.com)

  ---

Endorsed by Deepak Chopra for his sweetly funny and insightful take on life titled Live Like A Fruit Fly: The Secret You Already Know, Gabe’s book, published by those sly ‘Chicken Soup For The Soul’ folks, is sure to be a bestseller. I read it and loved it (and you know how much of a jaded snarky bitch I am).

I loved Gabe’s book because it’s not preachy or religious at all. Gabe shares stories from his life that we all can relate to. I particularly enjoyed the job and relationship stories, the Star Wars and Matrix references, and his witty, sly humor. I hope you download or pick up a copy after reading this essay.

If not, we offer this: one commenter is eligible to receive a signed copy (eBook or paperback) from Gabe. Comment for one entry. RT this post and comment, receive two entries. Follow @GabeBerman, comment, and RT on Twitter, three entries. Share on Facebook, yada yada all the rest, four entries. 

And we’re off…

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO…

Woody Allen’s Manhattan opens on a black & white wide shot of the city’s skyline accompanied by the unmistakable fluttering clarinet of Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue.

Woody voices over, “Chapter One. He adored New York city. He idolized it all out of proportion.”

One of the most magnificent and memorable moments in movie history.

I was just watching this at home. Not the movie itself, but a documentary on Woody Allen. When it ended I clicked toYouTube.com and watched the opening scene of Manhattan, all three minutes and forty-three seconds of it, over and over and over and over and over again.

So here I now sit, in Starbucks, with Rhapsody in Blue flowing through my headphones. I’d like to add a bit of magnificence to the world before the end of yet another day.

It’s Saturday night and many of the tables are filled with adolescent aged guys and girls because even with the best of fake I.D’s, they’re still too young to make it beyond the bouncer at a bar.

I can’t hear them well because of the Gershwin in my ears but I look past my laptop and see the scene cinematically. It’s a wide shot. I switch to black & white in my mind. I hit the back-button in iTunes to restart the song and the unmistakable fluttering clarinet of Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue flawlessly accompanies the first frame of my movie.

They’re drinking coffee and sharing cookies and are full of smiles and inaudible chatter.

I voice over, “Even to this day, with all of the girls I’ve dated and with the remarkable metaphysical distances I’ve traveled, the ‘why not me’ feelings that once overwhelmed me as a kid are still lingering near the horizon and can quickly roll up to crash over me in residual waves of envy.”

The camera pivots and zooms into my face for a tight shot. I’m caught in the moment, expressionless. But my eyes soften, I slightly smile and I take a deep breath. Only three minutes and forty-three seconds have passed but just like in Manhattan, the momentous conclusion of the nearly seventeen minute Rhapsody is heard.

I type:

It all worked out the way it had to. I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for who I once was. How can I now be anything but grateful?

Feel free to feel the pain of your youth. But you’re now in a position to make it up to the kid you once were. Regardless of everything, you can still be magnificent. You can still add magnificence to the world.

Today is your day.

All you have to do is take the first step and the next steps will take you.

End scene.

Live Like A Fruit Fly

#LLAFF

Gabe and Rachel welcome your comments, experiences, and existential stuff below.

Follow Gabe’s blog as he writes the sequel ON his blog: The Fruit Fly Strikes Back.

I dare you to not become hooked.

Bio: Gabe Berman is a native New Yorker who settled in South Florida after graduating from the University of Miami. An epiphany, a passion, and a trail breadcrumbs led him out of Corporate America and into a writing career. His columns appear regularly in The Miami Herald and Alan.com (Alan Colmes Presents Liberaland).

Related articles

• A Book that Saved My Week! #LLAFF(justasked.wordpress.com)

  ---

• Series Sunday – How to Woo a Reluctant Lady by Sabrina Jeffries(sugarbeatsbooks.com)

  ---

• WATCH: ‘Louie’ Trailer Pays Tribute To Woody Allen(huffingtonpost.com)

  ---

It’s not easy being snarky.

Living the snark life.

People think it is, but it’s not.

First off, there’s that whole ‘what is snark?’ thing that we snarks have to deal with. Is it sarcasm? Is it negativity? Or is it just being nasty to people?

(If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.)

My feeling is – you’re either born this way or you’re not. You don’t choose snark. You can’t force it. You can’t teach snark, anymore than you can teach funny. You’ve either got it, or you don’t.

Besides, people can spot a fake snark a mile away.

I once sat next to a woman at a conference and she went off on snarks, under the clearly incorrect assumption that I wasn’t one.

See, you can’t tell a snark just by looking at us. We look like everyone else. When she finished her diatribe against us, I simply smirked, threw my water glass in her face, did a little table throw, and sashayed over to the bar for a vodka martini – shaken, not stirred.

I’m thinking that’s the last time she’ll judge a snark by its cover.

When my first book came out, the #1 bestselling A Walk In The Snark, someone left a 1-star review, complaining it was too sarcastic. That made me happy. It’s not called A Walk in the Unicorns and Rainbows, sweeties.

Besides, my unicorn is a dumbass.

Yes, yes, we know the origin of the word snark. (You tell us all the time, every day and we laugh and laugh.) Like we wouldn’t know. Please.

It’s not that we think we know everything. We know we don’t. We’re just…confident in our thoughts and opinions.

Some people think we’re cocky. One guy called me a misandrist bitch. I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize he was being ironic.

Unicorns and rainbow people (identifiable by their rosy-cheeked, smiling faces and constant spewing of ‘You don’t know until you try!’ core phrases) somehow mistakenly have this notion that snarky people are negative.

I’m not negative. I’m snarky. There’s a difference: negative people see the glass half empty. I see a martini.

Living this life is not a walk in the, um, park. There are certain misperceptions about snarks. People always expect us to be on. They think we’re unfeeling, hard dillholes who couldn’t care less about your issues. Which isn’t true at all. We’re quite interested…no, we’re mesmerized by your thoughts and feelings. Mostly because we need material but…

Sorry, what?

We give you plenty of warnings that our sense of humor and lifestyle isn’t for everyone, yet still you persist in wanting to know more. Is it our fault you can’t handle the snark?

No.

So here we are, at the end of the rainbow, you all full of your disillusioned disappointment to not find a pot of gold; while we snarks have been telling you that not only do leprechauns not exist, that whole pot of gold thing is a bunch of magical hoo-ha made up by The Man to keep you in your place. And stuff.

Everyone knows you’ll find it in your daily book of positive quotes and sayings you insist on sharing with everyone you know on social media. We don’t judge you for believing in all that fucked up positivity crap.

There’s so much humor in everyday life. Snarks find it, turn it around, and look at it from all sides aka deconstructing, to find the best laugh. We don’t take it personally if some people don’t get it.

It’s our snark to bear.

Please share your thoughts, feelings and comments below. Rachel is enough of a narcissistic bitch to be mesmerized by them all so she can squirrel them away for days when nobody comments and she can roll up in a ball of positivity waiting for her inner snark to come out.

And stuff.

If you want to learn how to take your blog to book, join Rachel this upcoming Tuesday, 4/17 at 11am EST as she leads the @Triberr webinar via Webex. Everyone is welcome, whether you’re in Triberr or not. Click here for more details or to register. 

Related articles

• Top 25 Ways to Sell Your Book Without Spamming Links (badredheadmedia.com)
• Caged: an Excerpt From ‘Broken Pieces’ (rachelintheoc.com)
• My 1st Guest Post – 4 @RachelintheOC (justinbogdanovitch.com)

WHY EMOTIONALLY DISTANT MEN AREN’T YOUR PROBLEM

Rachel Thompson

I got this, DJ. Step off.

When I first met my guy, I was thoroughly baffled at how he could be so romantic and lovely when he was not working, and yet so distant and humorless when he was.

Who was this guy? Was he bipoloar? Or had I done something to upset him? I was so confused.

Sound familiar?

Chicks are taught from an early age that crying works. Sure it’s manipulative and all, but so what?

So is cleavage.

Men are taught the opposite. Um, not the cleavage part – they’re hopeless when it comes to that, which generally works in our favor.

No, what I mean is they’re taught all that cliché stuff like man up, be a man, men don’t cry. Right? Even now, in our more culturally sensitive atmosphere where we encourage boys to play dress up and give them dolls, the basic premise is that men need to act like men when they grow up.

Which leads me to my main point: men don’t mean to be emotionally distant pricks. And they’re not like that all the time. It’s just that well, they kinda don’t know they’re doing it.

It’s usually only when they’re in what I refer to in my second book The Mancode: Exposed as ‘guerilla-grunt mode’ aka when they’re working, that they become hyper focused on the task at hand. As they should– they ARE working after all.

But see, here’s the problem – we don’t get why (guys) can’t be sweet with us all the time like we are with them (except ya know, once per month when we will walk across their heads to get to the Nutella).

Women are generally nurturers (not all of us – we all know women who are decidedly missing that gene—not that there’s anything wrong with that). And there are lots of nurturing men. Most men can be sweet and loving. Just not in the middle of a workday when on the line with an important client.

So…when we text you sweetly and you don’t return it in kind, we get a little pissy. You have NO IDEA we’re even upset (though you’ll surely figure it out later when we give you the stink-eye). Or you do, but you’re just blowin’ and goin.

This right here is why men are from Seinfeld and women are from Friends.

I experienced this early on in my marriage of twenty years. It took me a long time to understand that my guy was in work mode during the day and sweet husband mode at night, just as it took him awhile to understand why I was standoffish to him at night when he had blown me off during the day.

Ah, relationships.

What helped me the most? If you know me at all, you’ll know I’m not religious or new age-y. However, I read a book you may have heard of called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Small book, easy short read. (There are obviously only four agreements.)

I really only remember two since I immediately put them to use with my guy and my writing life, but the one I’ll talk about today is crucial here:

Don’t take anything personally. I know. This sounds ludicrous. How, if you’re interacting with your lover, can you not take it personally if they blow you off, say seemingly mean things, or otherwise treat you without well, love and respect? (Great advice for social media and authors as well, BTW.)

Well, most likely they are caught up in their own world of issues and whatever is going on at that moment has absolutely nothing to do with you.

This one is on us I think, more than the guys. They are in work mode, making money, doing what society expects of them. (Not that we don’t um, work hard for the money, so hard for it honey. Don’t get me wrong. We’re kicking ass, too.)

It’s just that how we chicks are during the day to our loved ones is…different.

Chicks multi-task, which includes the lovey-dovey stuff (throw in kids and this post takes on a whole new level of nurturing and interruptions). Guys save it for after work, when they can shower us with their full attention, which is lovely.

Bottom line for chicks: don’t take it personally.

Which isn’t to say the onus isn’t also on the guy to step up and water your plant a little – not a euphemism for sex but could be if that floats you boat.

If it is, really, I don’t want to know.

Learning not to take my partner’s behavior has been a big step in my own personal growth. I’ve learned to depend on myself for my own emotional well-being.

Well, that and martinis. Or Nutella.

Oh shut up.

YOUR WOMAN NEEDS YOU

Delfin Paris

Women – you are NEEDY.  Yep.

(Even you, Rachel)

Wait.  Don’t defriend or unfollow me just yet, dear readers!

Your neediness is a GOOD thing.  It’s how you’re wired, and apparently nature thought this to be best.  But here’s the problem…

You have been conditioned by society, and especially the media, to disown your needs.  A woman is a storm of feelings and chaos.  She lives fully in this space, and it is a beautiful dance to witness.  In order for you to feel safe to be yourself, you need to be with a man who can weather the storm of your emotions.

This does not mean the man is just “dealing” with you.  He is participating in your beauty, allowing you to be all that you are without shaming you in the process.

But, the message you’ve been receiving your whole life is, “You don’t need a man!  You can do it all yourself!”

And some of that is good, like in the business world.

But, I think you do need someone who can participate intimately in your emotional dance.  Someone who protects you but also is present while you express yourself.

This is something as men we are not taught.

And we are too stupid to understand allegory.  When my girlfriend IMs me at work and wants to chat, I am often too busy to speak with her.  If I don’t acknowledge how nice it was that she thought about me, I run the risk of hurting her feelings.

Now, my girlfriend is not especially needy or insecure.  She just wants to feel cared for and special.  JUST LIKE YOU.

So, I have told her – instead of asking me about my day which I will interpret as “asking me about my day,” how about saying, “Hey D.J., I need to feel special right now.  Say you miss me!”

Now, I understand this is not terribly romantic.  No woman wants to have to ask for something like this.  And wouldn’t it be great if we men were just able to decipher  womanspeak and respond with, “Hey honey, I really miss you right now!”?

What’s been our batting average so far, ladies?

So, what’s the solution?  First of all, women, you need to own that you need certain things from men and it doesn’t make you weak or pathetic.  Asking for what you want from your man is a position of strength.  And, if he doesn’t give you what you need?  Well, at least you asked.  If he doesn’t deliver you can re-evaluate the relationship.

Now men, I’m going to clue you in on a secret.  When your woman says that you are being emotionally distant, part of what she’s saying is, “I want you to be emotionally present for my feelings.”  When she’s bitching about you, she wants you to be there for her stuff.

As men, a woman’s emotional storms can drive us away because we don’t understand what you really need.  We think, “Ugh, the wife is droning on about how I’m not talking enough to her and sharing my feelings.  I just want to watch a dirty movie on Cinemax and pass out.”

Also, don’t you remember that we took you to dinner last weekend like you wanted?

Well, first of all it was Applebee’s.  Second, you had a coupon.

Men – repeat after me.  If you don’t fulfill your woman’s needs, she will find satisfaction somewhere else.

I talk a lot about my feelings on my blog.  It’s not a coincidence that most of my readers are female.  And you know how I know men doing a shitty job at being emotionally present with their woman?  Because women come to me and bitch about it!  Almost every single day I get a comment or an email about a reader’s man and their emotional distance.

Now, I’m pretty great and all, but wouldn’t you rather your woman get her needs met from you?

Men, you also need to realize your woman’s darker emotional storms are not personal.  Even if she’s screaming about how you’re a huge dick, you need to realize that she probably needs something you aren’t providing, and that she’s not saying.  Call her out and say, “It sounds like you’re not getting something you need from me.  What is it that I can provide?  I’m here and dedicated to you.”

Now, don’t say it like that.  Go put your arms around are and give her what she needs.

And, if for no other reason than I’m sick and tired of reading on my blog about how you aren’t measuring up.  Do it for me.

WHAT SAY YOU? 

Rachel Thompson is a bestselling author, mother of two, and devoted wife for over 20 years.  Delfin Paris has written no books, three magazine articles, and is divorced.  Both are funny as hell.

Related articles

• My 1st Guest Post – 4 @RachelintheOC (justinbogdanovitch.com)
• Write Your Own Damn Book (rachelintheoc.com)
• Rachel Thompson Discusses Her Hot New eBook, The Mancode: Exposed (tglong.com)

Welcome to the Hoppy Easter Eggstavaganza Giveaway Hop!

This hop is sponsored by Once Upon A Twlight and I’m A Reader Not A Writer.

This giveaway is from Friday, April 6 through Thursday, April 12 and winners will be announced the next day. There are over 250 blogs participating and lots of cool prizes. Make sure you enter at each blog.

I’m gifting a copy of my #1 bestselling eBook The Mancode: Exposed (no Kindle required)

Mancode: Exposed #1 bestseller!

About the Mancode:

• I’m over forty. I don’t have a blankie. I have vodka.
• I’m no ‘ologist.’ I don’t give advice. If that’s what you’re looking for, go buy Dr. Suit And Tie’s book.
• I write about men, women, sex, & chocolate. My experiences, my truth, my martinis.

Want to check out my other work? A Walk In The Snark is free the next 3 days only (Friday 4/6 thru Sunday 4/8)!

If you want extra points, go like my Mancode: Exposed Facebook page!

In order to enter, fill out the form below:

Related articles

• Caged: an Excerpt From ‘Broken Pieces’ (rachelintheoc.com)
• Allergen-Free Easter Candy – 9 safe and yummy treats for food-allergic kids (theinsider.retailmenot.com)
• Hop to it: Adorable Easter Sweets! (dailysavings.allyou.com)
• VBT Pit Stop with Rachel Thompson – Review of Mancode: Exposed & Kindle Giveaway (bkwalkerbooksetc.blogspot.com)

If you put links in every tweet or Facebook message, it’s a total turnoff and you are no different than spammers. It’s a proven fact that people who broadcast one-way rather than interact two-way have less followers and are unfollowed more often (Dan Zarrella, The Hierarchy of Contagiousness).

So you’re thinking, fine Miss Bossypants. What do you expect us to do instead? (You’re also thinking, damn, who does this redheaded chick think she is? Let’s just say I’m someone who has done this for awhile.)

Provide content. Ya know, info, resources, interesting shit. This doesn’t mean jabber on about nothing or what you ate for lunch. Pick keywords that describe you, your genre, what you do, who you are. Make people care. 

(There, there, honey. Was that so hard?)

Here’s what I’m referring to specifically that bugs us:

• When you autoDM someone with a link to like your FB page or book (ack)
• When you only tweet out links to your own books (and please, stop quoting your own stuff. You’re not Abe Lincoln)
• When you tweet out links to your own books and the books of others authors (oh, just relax. I’ll explain)
• When you tweet out links to your books, other authors, and RT anything else that includes a link
• When you are promoting your book because it’s free or part of a group promo so your sense of urgency takes over

Are you seeing a pattern here?

Links, links, links.

Let’s deconstruct.

AUTO DMs WITH LINKS: People hate these and for good reason. Asking me to like your Facebook page or book before we’ve even said hello is like expecting sex on the first date before I’ve even opened the door and said how do you do. I mean, I like sex as much as the next girl but I kinda want to have a drink first, ya know?

Besides, if you’re smart, you’ve already included in your bio your pertinent links (Twitter allows two links. So der, have two.). I do know how to read. If you’re not a tool, I will click on them and check you out. I will also probably like your Facebook page and Amazon book if you don’t inundate me with linky spam to go like all your stuff. So back the hell off.

REPEATED BOOK LINKS: I’m an author. I get it. Selling books is important. But guess what? You will sell very few on Twitter. I know. Harsh, Rach. Read it again if you need to.

But Rachel, you say, wha, wha, what? That can’t be possible! Yea, well. Reality sucks.

Here is your wake-up call: You need a fully fleshed-out author platform. Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, LinkedIn, now Pinterest, Google+, website, blog (which is why I cringe when authors wait until their book release to start social media and then expect support. Do it way before release. Please.)

And even then, the majority of your book sales will likely come from reviews, word of mouth and ads (I like Google AdWords), Facebook ads, or Goodreads ads, Kindle Nation Daily and Pixel of Ink are also awesome, advertising with top book bloggers (Google them for your genre), doing virtual book tours where you’re exposed to readers of your genre, book promotions (there are a gazillion – again, Google them or contact me via email) and a myriad of other ways.

(And KDP Select if you’re part of that. It rocks if you also advertise the hell out of it when you go free. Just going free and tweeting the hell out of it? Not good enough.)

Twitter is but one part of your author platform.

What Twitter does do is increase your exposure and help you build a fan base, a tribe who will support you in your endeavors, just as you support them. Which is why you need to not simply broadcast book links. Twitter is social, two-way. Are you two-way when you broadcast? No.

Think about it: do you listen to the guy who pontificates endlessly about himself at a party? No. You find some excuse to get away, quickly.

Don’t be that guy.

AUTHOR LINKS: I love supporting my other authors and they support me back. It’s a crucial part of community building on Twitter that I value immensely. Unfortunately, I see too many writers fall into the trap of inbreeding, meaning they only tweet and RT their own links and links of other authors. That’s it.

The danger here is that no one person is that narrow focused. Do you only write? No. Surely you have other interests. Just as you played football in college or enjoy cooking now (sorry, can’t relate; burn water), it’s a good idea to explore other tweeps and build on those relationships. As I mentioned above, while Twitter doesn’t sell your books, word of mouth does.

My #1 bestselling eBook about men and women, The Mancode: Exposed has some unlikely advocates in the most random places due to my varied interests like movie scores, sci-fi, and even vodka. Who knew? Don’t limit yourself.

LOTS OF OTHER LINKS: There is so much great stuff to tweet out, right? Cool pix, unique info, music, book reviews, Pinterest links, Triberr mates’ blogs…how do we know how much is too much?

You may be one of those tweeps who IS quite conscious of their amount of tweets that contain links (and good for you) but feel at a loss how to control it. Well, there are a few things you can do:

• If you’re on Triberr, go to settings and set your tribemates posts for 90 minutes. The auto setting is 20, which is too close together in my opinion.
• Some tribemates post more than once/day. I don’t approve those. Sorry guys but I only blog once/week. Once/day approval is all you get from me.
• Use Hootsuite or Tweetdeck (both free) to schedule in your posts. If you’re still using Twitter to live tweet, all your tweets are going out in batches and your tweeps are inundated. This helps with your time management also.
• For goodness sakes, write tweets that have no freakin’ links!

(I will write more about content tweets and promo tweets on my BadRedhead Media blog in a few weeks.)

SENSE OF URGENCY: I see this a lot. We’ve all felt it. Some people just freak out! When their book is on promo! OMG! My book is free! Everyone buy it!

Enough with the exclamation marks. Especially early in the morning. If I haven’t had my coffee. Step away from the shift-1.

I work with lots of clients who are selling their books. I manage their Twitter accounts and in fact, their entire campaigns and I can tell you, Twitter is but one small part of how we go about ensuring their book sells. We look at:

• Their Amazon copy, categories, tags
• Advertising
• Blog tour, interviews, guest posts, and book promos
• Press releases
• Facebook
• Goodreads
• LinkedIn
• Blog post
• Newsletters
• Email campaign

& more. Much of the above is free or low cost so ‘blah blah I have no money or time and Twitter is all I can do’ is BS. Save it. If you use Hootsuite or Tweetdeck, you can post everywhere so ix-nay on the inks-lay. Got it?

So…I hope you have a few ideas at this point which show you other avenues besides Twitter to promo your books or business.

STOP THE MADNESS!

I’d love to hear your comments below. Please share your experiences or tell me where to stick it. Whatev. Thanks so much. If you know someone who can benefit from this article, please by all means share with them. Exclamation marks optional.

Do sign up for my newsletter The Chronicles of Snark. The form is just over there =====>>>> it takes seconds, and you’ll find out all the haps with the Queen of Snark. Yea, that’s me.

Still feeling overwhelmed by Twitter? Check out my April webinars.

 Cool stuff coming up this next weekend. I may actually tweet about it. Ha!

Related articles

• The Top 6 Reasons No One on Twitter Is Following You Back (badredheadmedia.com)
• Top 10 Rules To NOT Be A Social Media Douche (rachelintheoc.com)
• An Indie Author’s Journey: What I’ve Learned (rainethomas.com)