LONGING: THE DEFINITION OF ANGST 
Valentine’s Day.
It’s so over.
Oh wait. It actually is. It was this past Tuesday.
My tween girl did not have a good Valentine’s Day. Her friends with boyfriends received gifts and grams of some sort, and the only gram she received was from her sweet social studies teacher, a lovely woman.
By the time she came home to me, she was a sad little puddle.
Her: I don’t really want a boyfriend.
Me: Okay.
Her: But today it would have been convenient.
When my husband picked her up from school, she told him she wanted to go by the store to pick up the “biggest card possible” for mom and special ingredients to make me a great dinner. He had to rein her in from also buying me flowers and chocolate and everything else possible and then…and then he had to make a comment to the line and the cashier, as men are wont to do, that she was ‘projecting her desire for holiday happiness onto mom.’
#Mancode #doh #facepalm
Oh, men.
I’m not big on organized holidays where people are forced to show affection. I even have (get ready to shoot me) the same problem with Christmas. And it’s not because I’m a (non-practicing) Jew. Please. I’m married to Santa. (That would be against some kind of Stocking Hung By The Chimney rule or something.)
Perhaps it’s the rebel in me, but I’d much rather my guy bring flowers on a Tuesday in August for no apparent reason other than he loves me. Or put his hand on my hip as he slide past me in that room where food comes out of. Or whisper in my ear that I look pretty or hot or edible. #ahem
Sorry, what?
Oh yea. That means more to me than a card or dinner out.
Call me crazy.
Mostly I avoid getting sucked in because it sets up these ridiculous expectations for our tenderhearted special little people.
The six year-old is set. He’s in Kindergarten. They have a party. He gets tons of Valentines from girls he thinks are stupid. And enough candy to help him crawl on the ceiling all night.
So the one who doesn’t want them gets them, and the one who wants them doesn’t get them.
(Why do I feel I should be talking about straight vs curly hair?)
I realize I can’t protect her from longing. To be included. To be a part of something.
And I don’t want to. She needs to feel this.
As I hugged my girl, soothing her sleeves full of heart, rocking her gently, whispering sweet nothings to her as mothers are wont to do, I realized okay, maybe I have to compromise my principles and give into tradition. For the sake of my baby girl’s heart.
But will it mean the same coming from me? I’m only her mom. It’s the swirling mass of awkward hormones and lipgloss school scene where it makes the difference.
If nothing else, I’m grateful to be there for my girl. She’s a love, a beautiful, caring heart. She’ll find her place, I have no doubt. (This is her art accompanying this post.) Art is already her home. It took me years to find my writing sanctuary.
My answer for now is that junior high school sucks. I remember it clearly. Age twelve was an extraordinarily difficult year for me (for reasons I’ll discuss more in future posts and my next book). She handles it with far more grace than I.
So for now, the day of hearts and flowers is over.
Which means I have another year to pass my steely resolve on to her marshmallow heart.
Maybe it will take. I kinda hope it won’t…
Related articles
- Cupid is for Suckers – An Ode to Anti-Valentine’s Day (bradsdeals.com)
- Valentine’s Day (myworldbetsy.wordpress.com)
Justin Bogdanovitch says
February 16, 2012 at 5:43 pmA dilemma you write in a direct, unflinching, yet so loving way. The ache of being forgotten or ignored on what should be a happy day, a manufactured holiday, where expectations can’t possibly be met. As adults we learn to lower these expectations so we can’t possibly be disappointed (most of us). It hurts when we see our children suffer. You shed light on what it’s like raising a family today, the communication breakdowns laced with humor, the nuts and bolts, coffee and snark (hold the coconut flavoring).
RachelintheOC says
February 16, 2012 at 7:39 pm{{hugs}} Justin. It is so hard to watch her in emotional pain, though I know she’s also strong and will recover. Thank you for your lovely comments.
Jane Isaac says
February 16, 2012 at 5:45 pmHeartbreaking! I remember the empty postbox on valentines as a teen – ouch! Poor lamb. Now I send me daughter a card every year, but I’m not sure that will compensate when she reaches the ripe old age when it really matters:(
RachelintheOC says
February 16, 2012 at 7:56 pmPoor lamb, I love that phrase, Jane. I asked her if receiving Valentines from mom and dad would have made a difference and she said slightly haha. My son gave her a lollipop from a girl he doesn’t like. That made her laugh. There ended up being some joy in all that. Her tender heart exists for me to breathe deeply and slow down. I know it.
Tom Stronach says
February 16, 2012 at 6:00 pmYou are pretty COOL, you know that, right and I am sure your daughter will be just as cool
RachelintheOC says
February 16, 2012 at 8:33 pmYea, I know. haha. Seriously though — parenting is hard when all these little hurts don’t go away with a bandaid. xo
Dionne says
February 16, 2012 at 11:09 pmAh the angst of teen years – I have the poetry to prove it. She’s lucky she has a mum who cares and her art work is fantabulous! She is so lucky to have that, it will keep her going when things like V day don’t live up to expectations.
RachelintheOC says
February 17, 2012 at 12:01 amThx Dionne. I draw stick figures so she blows me away. Creativity is such a saving grace for all of us. You’re absolutely right — a wonderful outlet for all emotions and moods. I encouraged her to write about her day and she looked at me like I was high. Ha! A true artiste.
Bicultural Mama says
February 17, 2012 at 12:34 amI remember that feeling in junior high and high school when they would deliver carnations to people in class, and I never got one. 🙁 I was a late bloomer when it came to the dating department!
RachelintheOC says
February 17, 2012 at 6:23 amThx for visiting! You know, even though I did the whole athletics and cheerleading thing, I was still on the fringes of the ‘popular’ group — probably because I was always off writing something, somewhere haha. I too was not the one called up to receive the carnations or grams. So painful, that feeling of being singled out for not being singled out. Sigh.
Kelly Groovy Gamble (@KellySGamble) says
February 17, 2012 at 1:30 pmThe schools make such a big deal out of Valentine’s Day, of course the kids are going to attach more meaning to it. I’ve always questioned why they didn’t have the big parties for Presidents Day instead, and let Valentine’s Day exist outside of the public school system.
RachelintheOC says
February 17, 2012 at 7:21 pmSweet Kelly, I agree. It’s all for one and one for all … or something. My issue with the heart-grams is that one of her teachers gave them as rewards to kids, so some received them and some didn’t. On a day when their hearts are already vulnerable, this policy surely should be revamped. Find another way to reward them is all I’m saying.
Sure, I’m sensitive to it. So what? 🙂
Dee says
February 19, 2012 at 8:51 amMy 12ish tweenager has a terrible time in middle school. I so feel your pain and anguish here. *hugs*
RachelintheOC says
February 20, 2012 at 5:43 amIt’s a tough age, no doubt. I remember it. Jr high sucked. Seriously, how many people can you put in a room who can say, “I loved Jr High School!” My bet is very few. *hugs* back at you and yours.
Mohadoha says
February 20, 2012 at 3:41 amI’m glad it’s now cool to question the trends set by commercialism. When I was in your baby girl’s shoes, I wasn’t so lucky. Nor while in college on an all women’s campus either. I had the dubious distinction of never having had a Valentine. Spontaneous acts of love (and presents) are so much better.
But having someone to love/love you on those hyped holidays is important too. Especially if it’s your Mom and Dad!
RachelintheOC says
February 20, 2012 at 5:41 amAgreed. She received a card from her grandparents today. While it was wonderful, she looked at me and said “great. THIS is the only card I got.” Me telling her she’s lucky to have a grandma that has the mental capacity to remember to send a card (unless say, her own mother #ahem) was not met with the laughter I hoped for. Maybe she was hoping for the presents you spoke of, Mohana. 🙂
jennai says
May 3, 2016 at 6:54 amHeartbreaking I remember the empty postbox on valentines as a teen