I AM NOT A COW. ARE YOU? - Rachel Thompson

Rachel Thompson

Author • Poet • Advocate

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I AM NOT A COW. ARE YOU?

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I AM NOT A COW. ARE YOU?

 

I speak Mancode. I do Chickspeak.

 

I don’t however, speak Cowcode.

 

Let me explain.

 

In my first book, A Walk In The Snark, and in my upcoming nonfiction collection of essays, Broken Pieces, I discuss love, loss, fear, connections, grief, and even death.

 

Some people are quite moved by the few (four or five) essays I included in that first collection about the death by suicide of my ex-love, D. He contacted me as I was putting the book together after twenty-five or so years apart. Married for almost eighteen years (at the time), I was surprised to hear from him.

 

Three months after that initial contact, he shot himself.

 

As a writer, I poured my shock and grief into my writing. Many folks have contacted me with their own stories and the experience has been incredibly heartbreaking and moving for me. I’m honored by the friendships, support, and trust.

 

Others have attempted to crucify me for my honesty.

 

I say attempted because well, A) I don’t take it personally and B) life’s too damn short to let others hang their shit on me. Here’s how I look at it:

 

I am not a cow.

 

You see, I’m not a piece of meat my guy and D had to barter or trade for. There were no rules to the game for them to discuss before D was “allowed” access to me.

 

I am an adult. I am a woman. Being married does not, in this country, mean I am owned. A noun means a “person, place or thing” (despite my older sister’s protestation that I was indeed a ‘thing’ when she was in the first grade. Oh, and for the record, she has now upgraded me to person, I’m happy to report.).

 

Does that make me an ‘it,’ who needs permission, who must ask her owner to talk to an old flame about her past?

 

The entire concept is udderly (sorry, had to) foreign to me.

 

By reconnected, I mean we spoke, online. After many years apart, he contacted me, asking for forgiveness.

 

Yes.

 

A chance?

 

No.

 

(Of course, I was courteous and respectful of my guy who encouraged me to have these conversations with D since so much was unresolved with us for so many years).

 

I consider it a gift from the universe that 1) my guy is so awesome – der, why else would I still be with him?  2) that D contacted me at all since so much was unsettled between us for so long, and 3) that we talked about everything we did before he took his life.

 

Who gets to do that?

 

Somehow, and try to stay with me here, I am fully capable of having a conversation with another man without it signifying anything more than…I’m having a conversation with another man.

 

I’ll let you think about that.

 

Even…if it’s a man I once loved. Or a man I once had orgasms with. This seems to FREAK PEOPLE OUT. But guess what? Somehow, I was able to control my hormonal female urges and talk to the guy without getting on the first plane out and fucking him.

 

Imagine that.

 

The negativity and judgmental statements regarding my honesty about this experience shows how very threatening and upsetting to people (go read the reviews sometime) my transparency about this experience is.

 

Which I dig, by the way. Any emotion I evoke in people rocks my world, so thank you, any and all reader reviewers. I appreciate the time you took to read my little bookie wookie.

 

I’m okay with writing even more about my experience with D because it was a huge gift. And if that upsets people, excellent. More people to piss off.

 

Most people who end their relationships abruptly, for whatever reasons, carry that pain around for years. As I did. And now I don’t. It’s so beautifully simple.

 

I took this gift, without anyone’s permission. Because I’m an adult who makes decisions for herself.

 

I have that now. A healing. All wrapped up in a neat little package, tied with a red bow inside my heart.

 

Moo.

 

(Too angry? I don’t want to be angry.)

 

I welcome your comments below.

 

 

 

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Comments

  3. People who think that way aren’t very secure in their own relationships. No need to get down on cows.

    Reply

  7. There’s so much to admire about how you respond to those who want to tear into you, your book, the life you chose in the past, and how you live today. I always wonder why people leave negative reviews to books, when they wouldn’t walk into a bookstore and insist on posting their drivel onto a stack of books on the shelf. Really terrific. Be yourself always. It’s refreshing.

    Reply

    • JBo, I love when you make your sweet comments to me, because I know they’re from your beautiful heart. Being myself is what upsets some people and hey, that’s cool. As I said, that’s their issue, not mine. I just felt I needed to clarify a bit, probably more for my own sake than for the people who make those comments and will never make it over here (or to my next book) to read any of it. Ah well, writing for one’s soul is the best reason of all.

      xo fella

      Reply

  8. Wait… what century are we in? Seriously, Rachel, people have been bashing you for the healing conversations you had with D. in the final months of his life? Uhm, Wow.

    My husband’s first wife contacted him by phone a few years ago. Their marriage had ended more than 20 years prior with a lot of unresolved issues, many of them stemming from the fact that my hubby had undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when he married her in 1971, straight out of the war in Vietnam. His chronically severe PTSD issues almost destroyed our relatiolnship, too, shortly after we married in 2004. But when I told him, less than a year into our marriage, that I would not stand for one more verbal rage attack, he checked himself into a Veteran’s Hospital for long-term PTSD treatment (which he should have done decades ago), and came out a different man.

    I had empathy for the hell that my husband’s first wife must have gone through with his PTSD, and therefore I understood her need for closure. Every time she called, I left the room to give my husband privacy. He told me I didn’t need to do that, but I did it because that was what I would have wanted him to do, if the situation were reversed. It’s hard enough to have an intense emotional conversation with one person, without simultaneously having to filter every word you say through the thought of what someone else who is also listening, may think.

    Stan’s former wife called many times, over a period of several months, and they talked sometimes for hours, including one long talk on Christmas Day, 2009.

    And then, unexpectedly, she had a major stroke, lapsed into a coma, and died a few days later. My husband felt sad when he got the news, but mostly he was deeply grateful that he had been given the opportunity to make amends to her, and to talk out all of their old painful issues, before it was too late.

    The reason that it never bothered me, not even a little, when my husband was talking on the phone with his former wife, is simply because I am secure in his love. The man is crazy about me, and he shows it every day. What’s to be jealous of?

    That said, we did have to set some boundaries with another ex of his about a year ago, who was becoming inappropriate. We had to do the same thing last year with a platonic male friend of mine who began to want more than a platonic friendship, and would not take no for an answer.

    But honestly, Rachel, Honey…. Some People… why can’t they mind their own business?

    HUGS,
    Lady Q

    PS. I’m not a cow either, but we do have a spoiled rotten darling diva Cattle Dog who tries to herd us.

    Reply

    • Beautiful moment for your lovely guy. Sad, heartbreaking, but beautiful nonetheless. Thank you SO much for sharing your life here. You’re both so very strong to have faced up to and worked out the issues together.

      Toby Neal below hit it on the head in her comment below — many people are afraid of their own insecurities and/or vulnerabilities. Somehow, my writing touched a nerve and they project what’s there into something it isn’t (or vice versa). One guy said by showing D’s pic (in my mind, an homage) and not my husband’s (whom I keep private), I was disrespecting my guy and divorce must be imminent. Oh boy. Where did THAT come from?

      I won’t bore you with the details. Feel free to go over and read if you want. I do read all the reviews to look for patterns. Is there something I can improve upon for my next book? I never, ever think I’m good enough, or too good not to learn from my mistakes. So for that reason, reading them is valuable.

      And P.S. back: we had a Cattle Dog, but it nipped my daughter one too many times, the last one by her beautiful eyes. That was it. We gave it to a friend.

      HUGE ginormous hugs to you for sharing and loving.

      Reply

      • Aww, your reply melted my heart, Rachel.

        I understand what you’re saying about your writing touching a nerve, and yes, people will project their own stuff and see things in you that aren’t even there. We all view life through a unique set of filters, shaped by our personal experiences and preconceived notions. I’ve noticed that the less self-aware a person is, the more he or she will tend to get their issues confused with other people’s issues.

        Still, I wish more people would keep their mean-spirited opinions to themselves. I admire the way you are handling this, though. Very cool and very wise.

        Unlike the negative bullcrap, constructive criticism is a blessing. About 25 years ago I shared the rough draft of a novel I was writing with a retired editor. He saw enough potential there that he took the time to critique my novel very severely. Before he did that, he warned me: “What I am about to tell you will hurt you. But this is the best gift I could ever give you.” He was right, on both counts.

        It’s the dumb, judgmental, nit-picky, hateful, personally destructive criticisms that need to Go Away, in my opinion. Nope, I’m not going to go read those negative reviews, because they would just make me mad. Your books are delightful. Which reminds me… did I 5-star review them yet? Gosh I can’t remember, I’ll go look and remedy that if I haven’t. But I won’t do it today, because we are about to go on a trip and I need to stop procrastinating and get ready.

        As for your nipping cattle dog… yikes! Our dog, Lady, never bites, she herds with her body. And her tongue. Non-stop, she will lick, if you let her. We call her Our Lady of Perpetual Licks.

        Reply

  18. You are indeed fortunate to have been able to connect with him. He may have meant to make amends before his lat act. Just think about the alternative if you had refused. Neither of you would have had the chance get to a better place.

    Reply

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