At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me
One of my very best friends is also my editor — and I still adore her! Jessica Swift is incredibly talented and truly a visionary. If you’ve enjoyed my books, it’s because of her help. She’s also a writer. I’m so glad she took me up on my offer to write about this terrifying experience and how it has changed her. Please read, comment, and share.
“At least he didn’t hurt you.”
I’ve heard that phrase hundreds of time, relief evident in the their voice coupled with the certainty that they’re saying the right thing.
No, he didn’t hurt me. Not physically. But that’s the only way he didn’t.
I didn’t know he was watching. Waiting. Prying. Preying. Raping my body with his eyes and unidentifiable lust. I didn’t know he wanted to hurt me. Physically. The way everyone was so relieved that he didn’t.
I’ll never know all that he saw. My smile? Yes. My body? Yes. But did he see me dancing while I vacuumed? Did he watch me read in the false comfort of my home? I’ll simply never know.
Because he took what I did not give. What I wouldn’t have. He robbed me of my power, of my safety, of my sanity. By looking, roving, staring, and scheming, he raped my mind of what I thought I knew.
I believed I was safe. I believed that behind locked doors and windows, I could be me. I was wrong.
I found his note in my car on Mother’s Day, 2003. Scribbled on the back of a picture—of his motorcycle. I was late for a photo shoot so I just tossed it in the passenger seat, thinking it must be a picture my girlfriend stuffed in the car, since we’d been going through pictures the night before. Then I read it. Then the split of me was torn wide open.
I swiveled my head around, looking for the glint of the telephoto lens I was sure I would see, reminiscent of a Lifetime movie. There was none.
I continued driving to work and was then introduced to my first panic attack. Breath, gone. Control over my body, taken. Vision: Eternally changed. But still I drove, motivated by my commitment to my job. Then I left because I had to, my dedication to my job, stolen.
“I know you’re lonely.” “You’re such a doll.” “Sorry to pry.” Signed, Dave. How could he know these things?
After I called the police, I was immediately ashamed. It’s not like he did anything. I’m so stupid for wasting the police’s valuable time. I shouldn’t have called. At least he didn’t hurt me.
After an examination of my home, that my phone lines had been cut was discovered. I had thought when my phone didn’t work that there had been some sort of construction snafu from the contractors who’d worked outside my house the day before. But at least he didn’t hurt me.
In a stroke of what he must have thought was clearly reaching out to soothe my loneliness, he left a phone number. An untraceable one. When the police couldn’t track him down, it was decided that I should call him from the station, a recording device strapped to the phone to monitor and record everything he said.
“Don’t try to trap him. Don’t say anything misleading. Just try to get him to talk,” the detective instructed.
“I need a pen and paper,” I said with shaking hands.
“Why? The conversation is being recorded?”
“I’m a reporter. I talk to strangers every day to get a story. And I take notes. I need to do that now.” I didn’t say that I needed to clutch something, that I needed to feel some kind of connection to that which genuinely soothed—words.
I called. He answered. We talked. He obviously knew where I lived, what vehicle I drove, and that I did, in fact, live alone. He tried to reassure me, “It’s not like I looked in your windows.” According to some in the police force, fifty percent of what we say we didn’t do, we actually did.
Scribbling notes furiously I tried to speak with him as I would a friend or a potential date. But no flirting. No misleading. His phone disconnected but I called him back, still strapped to the recorder, still with pen in hand.
He told me over and over that I was a doll. That he wanted to take me for a ride on his motorcycle. “You’re so beautiful. You’re such a doll,” his words a terrifying non-compliment. We said our goodbyes like old friends. At least he didn’t hurt me.
Eventually the police arrested him. I don’t remember how they found him and, frankly, I don’t care. In the interim, before his arrest, I was advised to sleep somewhere else and to hide my car. I did, but just for one night. When I returned home, I sat beneath a window, knife in hand, thinking that was the only place he wouldn’t be able to see me. I was a prisoner in my home, with no means of escape, and no phone. He won. At least he didn’t hurt me.
He pled guilty to charges of “unwanted stalking” (I think that was the charge—as if there’s a type of “wanted” stalking.”). His plea was unprecedented. No one pleads guilty to such a perceived “minor” charge. I believe it was his wife who bailed him out.
It’s taken years, but I can once again dance while I vacuum using this best corded stick vacuum. I am once again able again to read on my couch in the “safety” of my home. But not without the lingering memory.
I survived without bruises. Without cuts or scrapes. But only on my body.
My heart and mind bear the scars. At least he didn’t hurt me.
Please leave your comments below for Jessica and share your own stories as well if you feel inclined. Thank you!
Related articles

At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/tiuwFllR
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/fbStsxz7 via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/D4tXBUtk via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/7SueSK8X via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/eEWl1dUp via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/9frldnWA via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/TjvysZeC via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/wG4EXHnH via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/4gqdMr5t via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/iXFGjp5L via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/3VX3hMWe via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/grNXAPuj via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/1WEh2Xpz via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/3fSlg0Zf via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/QzTE6uyo via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/42wTTqPT via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/kL5GEduJ via @RachelintheOC
Oh, but how he did hurt you. In countless ways. And yet you have grown, and shown, and have shined bright in the midst of deep agonizing darkness to be an incredible woman. Jessica you should be so proud of yourself. Stand up tall woman !!!! You are amazing.!!!! Your gift and love of words is life and poetry in motion. Your gift is like a river that runs so smoothly over rocks and the sounds that brings healing to the soul.
Thanks for commenting, Sharon. This is a healing piece. Jess is such a strong, beautiful soul — absolutely. But I do understand completely the way we tend to diminish these experiences, thinking well, it could have been worse; which is a terrible thing to burden someone with who has been abused, stalked, or lived in fear for any reason. I’m so proud of her for speaking out on this, and grateful she’s here to share.
xoxo
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/709DPOcm via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/gYylez3Y via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/7BY9z2ns via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/TGvnqgoX via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/3UWByjQE via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/GPtussGK via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/0IPVEHGt via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/Gi8zW2fP via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/uhhZFb3l via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/iY6Lx5hV via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/Rj8UUXay via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/flyTAbb0 via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/6LZANShA via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/u8zv7wyG via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/kMEVeMDr via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/3sGPlD0U via @RachelintheOC
So brave girl. So glad everything worked out. Keep dancing.xo
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/7CfBRdOU via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/qgtWkUEC via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/rXuHR6MR via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/jQrt3hH1 via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/Wbj2QwUn via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/hJqGWohk via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/fT1wkyTU via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/Bp4EMd5c via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC A story of bravery http://t.co/KFUoHZHI Plz read, share
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC A story of bravery http://t.co/rkJ9q4dj Plz read, share
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/40MjZpLh via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC A story of bravery http://t.co/uyWOXLG7 Plz read, share
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/sTA4CQrT via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/92bMjsow via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/UuAx2ief via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/2xmPeq4P via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/i8e6khGD via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/uUI5Ewna via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/NlufVHBt via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/k3d2yQKV via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/YLvbIF3N via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/uK9oL4Yn via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/QWFmzKRz via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC http://t.co/24Pr3jnp #stalking #coping
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/qzTAsbdI via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/UdDNJw0m via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC http://t.co/yj85NA72 #stalking #coping
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC http://t.co/BCBGquEM #stalking #coping
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor http://t.co/Lj7mPUtq via @RachelintheOC
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC http://t.co/IIveIR6B #stalking #fear #vaw
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC http://t.co/pHyQ39K9 #stalking #fear #vaw
At Least He Didn’t Hurt Me by guest @SwiftInkEditor via @RachelintheOC http://t.co/Lb1hkvxU #stalking #fear #vaw http://t.co/GqGkXqb6