How My Brother's Suicide Influenced My Life and Writing

Rachel Thompson

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How My Brother’s Suicide Influenced My Life and Writing by @Raine_Thomas

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I’m beyond honored to bring YA fantasy/romance writer Raine Thomas (award-winning author of the exciting and original series of YA fantasy/romance novels about the Estilorian plane), to you today. Normally quite private about her personal life, Raine opens up today about dealing with her brother’s suicide. A heartfelt, real-life story about grief. Thank you, Raine, for your inspiring honesty on such a difficult subject. Raine Thomas Headshot (small)

How My Brother’s Suicide Influenced My Life and Writing

By Raine Thomas

 

I was the one who had to tell my mother that her son was dead. I sat down beside her, looked her in the eyes, and shattered her heart.

 

It was a rainy Labor Day in 2010. Mom had decided to come to my house in Orlando to visit over the holiday weekend, a choice that later proved to be a blessing. We’d enjoyed a few cocktails while sitting out on the covered porch, not minding the rain or the steamy humidity as we caught up with each other. Our laughter caused a number of curious looks from passing neighbors, but we didn’t care.

 

Then my father called. And everything changed.

 

“Your brother, Kevin, is dead,” Dad told me.

 

I imagine there was some kind of stumbling lead-up to that bald statement, but I don’t remember it. “What? What happened?” I asked.

 

“They only told me that he’d been shot. The investigation is still ongoing.”

 

Investigation? Still ongoing? I felt like I was in the middle of a CSI episode.

 

That surreal feeling continued as I broke the news to my mother. We sat outside, holding each other and crying, trying to make sense of the world that had just erupted around us. I’ll always remember the stark disconnect between the joyful conversation with my mom pre-phone call and the dark misery that cloaked us afterward.

 

Two dark sedans containing federal agents in dark suits (yes, they really do fit the stereotype) soon greeted us, as well as the most kindhearted local police officers you could ever hope to meet. We were informed, as my father had been, that my brother, Kevin, had died early that morning of a gunshot wound to the chest. An agent of the U.S. Treasury Department, he’d been shot in his own home by his service weapon. Although they put a security detail in place to protect Kevin’s family in case it had been a case of foul play, I knew the truth.

 

My brother had killed himself.

 

In the end, it was ruled accidental by the investigating team. If you consider the fact that my brother was reportedly under the influence of drugs and alcohol, perhaps the definition of “accident,” could be stretched to cover what he did. I don’t choose to excuse it so politely.

 

I could say it’s been hard to process my brother’s death, but that doesn’t come close to covering it. Can you ever process suicide? Can you ever understand it? I don’t see how.

 

He left no note. He left no voicemails or text messages. He left nothing but a widow, three children, and a legacy of grief and confusion.

 

But I’m working through it. In fact, my writing has given me more of a healing outlet than I ever imagined. My New Adult Contemporary Romance releasing on May 27th, titled For Everly, was inspired by my experience. Like me, Everly loses a brother to suicide. Like me, she has to work through it if she’s going to move on with her life and find happiness. Unlike me, she receives help from a super-hot professional baseball player. C’est la vie. Everlyecoversmall

 

I found that this book was both the easiest and the most difficult to write of all that I’ve done. Why did I choose to funnel my pain into a romance novel, you ask? Perhaps it might have made sense to write a contemporary YA novel about a teen struggling with this issue, or a dark, gripping murder mystery, but those genres just aren’t me.

 

I’m an optimist. A romantic. A believer in the Happily Ever After…as long as you push through the tough times and come out on the other side even stronger. For Everly helped me emerge. Perhaps it will help a reader out there, too.

 

Has your life been affected by suicide? What did you do to help yourself heal? I know there are others out there in need of guidance. Let’s offer it to them.

Connect with Raine here:

Twitter (http://twitter/Raine_Thomas)
Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/rainethomas)
Goodreads (http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5053436.Raine_Thomas)
Pinterest (http://pinterest.com/raine_thomas/)
Linkedin (http://www.linkedin.com/pub/raine-thomas/53/111/bb3)
Website (http://rainethomas.com)
Blog (http://RaineThomas.com/blog/)

 

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Comments

  4. Suicide is always difficult to process and deal with. I am glad that you were able to work through some of the situation regarding your brother’s death through your novel. I wish you well as you continue the healing process. Deep Peace, Ardee-ann

    Reply

  6. The great love of my life committed suicide in 2004. The short version of the long story is that she was in the US and I was in Australia. There had been growing problems, most of which caused by work that had turned me into an uncommunicative mental jellyfish (and got away with it). It was a pretty bland email sent to me at work letting me know what had happened. Sort of. And what a kick in head. My boss decided that what I really needed to do was stay there at work. Like hell!

    My way of coping became talking to her. I would say hi to her photograph when I got up of a morning, sounded off about things to her, kept talking to her as if she were still there with me. And in a strange sort of way, her loss became about the only thing in a mess of dramas that I actually coped with.

    Some 18 months later I was in hospital. On the improve and finally taken off the IV, and also thoroughly bored, as it was Sunday I cleaned myself up and went over to the hospital’s chapel to attend a church service – to be brutally honest, more for something to do than anything else. The pastor was a nice sort but not the most exciting speaker. My mind was drifting during his sermon and I mentally began quietly talking to her once more. That was when I felt her presence there, her arms around me and her soft southern drawl telling me that it was all going to be alright. I finished up in silent tears. And that was when I knew it really was going to be all OK.

    I still miss her but the healing had finally properly begun.

    Reply

    • I appreciate you sharing your experience, Ross. Your approach to coping with the loss of your significant other makes sense to me. Silently communing with those we’ve lost can make the hole in our lives easier to handle.

      Reply

  10. I can’t imaging having to share that news with your mom, it’s heartbreaking. I love the interesting contrast that you make by saying you healed through writing a contemporary romance. You’re right, a lot of people would question that, but it’s because a lot of people really don’t understand the entertainment AND the identifying value of the genre.

    Reply

    • Thanks, Lorca. It just wouldn’t have been “me” to funnel my writing energy into anything else…at least, not that I would want to share with the world.

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  11. Great post. My son’s college community is reeling trying to understand the pedestrian/bus death of a beautiful young woman. Four years ago her brother committed suicide. I wonder how much grief and doubt haunted 4 of her not-quite-19 years.

    Reply

  17. My now ex-husband is also an employee of the government with weapons. Given that he has been prone to depression and suicidal thinking, those weapons scare the shit out of me.

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  18. So sorry for your loss.
    My now ex-husband is also an employee of the government with weapons. Given that he has been prone to depression and suicidal thinking, those weapons scare the shit out of me.

    Reply

    • That is terrifying. Whatever your personal feelings are on gun control, when someone has easy access, it all goes out the window.

      My ex (from my 20s) was a hunter. He had many guns (part of why he’s my ex). Sadly, he was also depressed and an alcoholic. He shot himself in 2009. If he didn’t have access to guns, he would have found another way — apparently, he had tried before and failed.

      It’s a scary, helpless feelings but ultimately we have to accept that they made this choice. It’s agonizing that he got to that place where he felt it was his only choice, but that’s what we are all left to wonder.

      Reply

  19. Raine, many people will thank you for being so brave and candid about your experience. Loss of a loved one is never easy and I suicide has that whole other dimension of ‘choice’ to it. I was widowed 24 years ago (cancer was the killer there) and although life goes on and mine is quite lovely again, the loss never leaves. I agree we must grow stronger through the experience and we are left in the unique position of being able to help others through it.

    Reply

  25. This is a haunting yet beautiful article. You come out the other end of the tragedy and made some beautiful out of it. I commend you for your strength. This makes me want to read a novel of yours 🙂

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  27. Thank you Raine for sharing your story. I had an aunt commit suicide–my mother’s sister. I was still living with my parents at the time; I came home from a day at the lab and my mother pulled me into her bedroom. She told me to sit down. This couldn’t be good. She told me that my aunt had killed herself–shot herself in the chest in the living room at her boyfriend’s house. It didn’t feel real. I wondered if I had been transported into a parallel dimension. Did I enter a wormhole on one of the roads home or did a silvertongue read me into a book?

    Not too long before her deranged ex lover chased her and her new boyfriend on a high speed chase and tried to shoot her and him or worse not too far from where my grandparents lived–she was staying with them at the time. This was something out of an action movie, and I am not making this up. She was under the influence of strong anti depressants and Ambien and severe heartache, fear, and depression. She dealt with years and years of domestic abuse from who was yet another man who I come to know as my uncle. After this high speed chase, my aunt’s new lover got a gun for self defense since he was probably going to try again. But instead, my aunt decided to end it. Maybe in some ways she felt that she would only be at peace by dying. She never thought anything about the confusion, pain, guilt, hurt, and a plethora of other emotions behind. This is still hard for my grandparents as well as my other two aunts and my mother. For a long time my mother and her only had each other growing up. My grandparents feel they should have done more, but doubtfully they could. I couldn’t imagine what they really feel having to bury their own child in circumstances like this.

    Most of my memories of my aunt are fond, especially since she did my makeup at my wedding, took pictures, and signed a little plaque that we hang on our living room wall with her signature on it.

    When we went to her funeral, I believe it was the hardest yet. I have gone to the funerals of friends and loved ones aplenty, even ones who died of cancer, but this was the hardest one yet. The circumstances are just bizarre and hard to stomach and accept or make sense of. Suicide takes away more than just your loved one.

    Reply

    • I couldn’t have said it better, Amanda. I’m so sorry for your loss. There are some parallels between our experiences. It’s oddly comforting, and I really appreciate you sharing.

      Reply

      • You’re welcome, Raine. I guess there are threads that can bind people together when people share things. I am glad to offer a moment of comfort to you. Sorry for your loss as well :'(

        Reply

    • How horrific for you and your family, Amanda. Thank you for sharing the details — many people don’t understand how someone could end up making that choice, but I think they feel they have no choice.

      It’s so very sad, and in so many instances, drugs and alcohol are involved (maybe not during the event, but a history of it).

      So sorry for your loss.

      Reply

      • Thanks. I would agree that drugs either prescription or not can have an influence on someone’s better judgement. My aunt was one of the people who would say they would never take their own life when she was coherent. I couldn’t even imagine myself in the situation she had been in, if it had been me I would probably be writing fiction from jail. She was one of the sweet merciful type people who could forgive the unforgivable. Probably some of the thoughts you had in your book (I just haven’t gotten around to writing the review ;)) were like some of the ones she had of why she stayed with my uncle for 25 years–kids were involved as well. She was one of the ones who didn’t become a survivor. She may have been on her way, but she didn’t get there. Abuse of any kind and violence can kill you, and my aunt never got in touch with her inner warrior so she lost the will to fight. She just wasn’t the fighting type and didn’t like confrontation.

        Reply

  31. My uncle committed suicide ten years ago and it still feels fresh. The pain, confusion, and anger. It’s interesting that you discuss the “accident” theory as it relates to someone being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. My family endured a double whammy – the suicide and later to learn from the autopsy that my uncle was lucid. He hadn’t been using drugs and didn’t consume alcohol. He made the coherent decision to end his life and leave his family forever heartbroken. Prayer and time are the only two things that have aided me in healing thus far.

    Reply

    • I’m sorry you and your family have gone through this, Kelie. I’m really not sure which is worse (under the influence or not). All I know is dealing with the aftermath of suicide is one of the toughest things a person can go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

      Reply

  33. I lost my younger brother to suicide in December of 2007. I still struggle with his leaving me so abruptly. Some days are good, some are still really hard. The good days outweigh the bad, now, but it’s taken a long time for that scale to tip. I still love him and I still sometimes hate him. I watch my sons playing sports and wish my brother was here to cheer them on. I see the pre-teen anger boiling in my eldest son and cry myself to sleep in fear that it is all happening again.

    Like Raine, I’ve channeled some of my emotions into my writing. http://cassandradavis-author.blogspot.com/2012/12/sff-saturday-12-15-2012.html

    Please, if you are struggling with substance abuse, depression, anxiety, or grief, seek help. Come out of the darkness. You are needed. You are wanted. You are loved.

    Reply

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