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‘People who are most afraid of their dreams convince themselves they don’t dream at all.’
~ The Winter of Our Discontent, John Steinbeck
I’ve written more than once about having confidence in yourself not only as a writer, but as a person — allowing yourself to tell your story. I had to reach that point myself in order to write Broken Pieces, and I’m still dealing with it as I write the next book in the Broken series, Broken Places.
Let’s deconstruct.
VALIDATION
Writers, especially newbie or young writers, are used to looking to others for validation: teachers, classmates, friends, family. I was no different. Like most writers, I started young, at age ten. I took many creative writing, poetry, and journalism classes in college. Then, once I graduated, I became a sales rep LOL (and hated it). For fifteen years.
I started writing seriously in 2008 (as in paid work). In our new online society, we receive validation in the form of comments on our blog, retweets, Facebook or Google+ shares, and book reviews once published, but for this I needed to learn how to paraphrase a paragraph to make it relevant for online content. Sometimes the comments are positive, sometimes negative.
(I’ll cover reviews in a moment.)
The issue with looking to others for validation is that we aren’t trusting ourselves to know what’s good, and what to shred. We’re afraid to go too deep for fear that people won’t like what they see. In essence, we’re still acting like children searching for external approval.
I look back to college and think about how I studied: in my room, occasionally the library, by myself, tunes in, focused. I never did the study group thing — perhaps I should have — yet I still managed to graduate in four and a half years with a 3.4 GPA while working 32 hours/week. That lone introvert learned a valuable lesson — I learned how to learn. I learned how to trust myself. I learned when I was ready.
There’s a certain amount of detachment in that process — looking outside ourselves at our own behavior. Some would call that disassociation, a persistent friend I know quite well.
PERMISSION
Before we can get to the point of writing our stories and sharing in those various places, we have to first do a little work. Ask yourself what’s holding you back. Typically, it’s one of these:
- What will my family think?
- What will my friends/coworkers think?
- What if people hate my work?
- What if I’m no good?
Sound familiar? Every writer asks themselves these questions. The trick is not letting them mindfuck us. Sorry if that offends you (you’ll get over it), but I bought into all that for a long time, too. Some authors never get past it, or write under a pen name or fictionalize real-life experiences in order to protect the innocent (usually, I find it’s the guilty) but that’s another post. That’s a decision each of us has to make.
I know. I get it. I never addressed or even discussed my childhood sexual abuse (at the hands of a neighbor dad) publicly. The shame stayed with me for many years. I was nervous about ‘outing’ my family (none of whom were guilty of anything) — by outing, I mean labeling them in a public way as the family of that girl. The one who was molested.
Humor is my defense. In fact, it’s a form of disassociation. I even wrote two nonfiction humor books that have done quite well. But it wasn’t a perfect fit. Even I could tell that I wasn’t going there — I wasn’t blasting deep into the truth. And then I came upon this quote by author and professor Lorrie Moore in Elle Magazine:
The only really good piece of advice I have for my students is, ‘Write something you’d never show your mother or father.’ That sentence alone, just that, was very freeing to me. I could write my essays, my poetry, my stories, with the raw honesty I felt the work, and I, needed. Turns out I didn’t need anyone’s permission…but my own.
Further, Moore says:
The detachment of the artist is kind of creepy. It’s kind of rude, and yet really it’s where art comes from. It’s not the same as courage. It’s closer to bad manners than to courage. […] if you’re going to be a writer, you basically have to say, ‘This is just who I am, and what I’m going to do.’ There’s a certain indefensibility about it.
And guess what? If you are a writer — and you need to own that you are — you don’t owe anyone an explanation about what you write. Would you tell an artist what to paint? A musician how to play a song? No, you wouldn’t dare, and neither would your family and friends.
You are an adult. Write like it.
REVIEWS
Reviews are a form of validation — positive and negative. Part of that whole mindfuck of, ‘What will people say? What if they hate it?’ stops many writers. Too bad we can’t predict the future, right? See, here’s the thing. You want people to read your work. That should be the goal of any writer.
If your goal is to look to total strangers (you neither know or respect) for validation, you are already setting yourself up for failure. If you don’t consider yourself a success unless you have awards bestowed upon you along with heaps of praise, you will be sorely disappointed. It CAN happen, but I know this to be true: you have to define your own success. Will you only consider yourself if a success if you get all five-star reviews? If you can pay your rent with your royalties? If you sell thousands of copies? Those are all THINGS.
All that’s great, and entirely doable. But if that’s ALL that defines you, if that’s the only way you will feel successful, you’re missing it. Change your paradigm: what if success means that you have connected with others in similar situations? What if success means ten people read your work and love it — and one of those knows someone who knows someone who can get it made into a movie script? What if you connect with a local community (i.e., sexual abuse survivors), and become an advocate?
Reviews are a way to learn how people interpret your work, and who is your demographic. Nothing more. People will love your books, people will hate your books. Prepare yourself for that.
A FINAL WORD
Not writing your story the way you really want to is an excuse — you’re feeding your insecurities. Acknowledge them. We all have them. Then tie them up with a string, put them in your desk drawer, and sit down to write.
They’ll still be there when you’re done.
Questions or comments? Please leave them below. Also, if you’re a print person, Broken Pieces is now available in print from Booktrope on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and I’m not sure where else yet.
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Annecdotist says
January 6, 2014 at 3:14 amGreat kick ass post, Rachel. It’s very hard to get away from our dependence on other people’s opinions whether good or bad but you’re right, a proper adult knows her own mind. I’ve also blogged about shrugging off one’s parents’ judgements in http://annegoodwin.weebly.com/1/post/2013/12/must-one-leave-home-to-be-a-writer.html – not all of us manage to get there.
Janie Junebug says
January 6, 2014 at 9:36 pmYou’re right: I’m insecure. I’m also afraid of lawsuits. But most of all, I’m afraid to write because it might not be any good.
Love,
Janie
Rebecca T. Dickson says
January 7, 2014 at 9:23 amEvery writer is afraid. The difference is some people write through it.
Signed,
Your Resident Fear & Anxiety Expert
RachelintheOC says
January 7, 2014 at 8:14 pmso true! Every artist is afraid, don’t you think? Putting ourselves out there is scary and makes us vulnerable. And agree, we do it anyway. That’s how we learn.
Thanks, Becky. Always love your perspective.
RachelintheOC says
January 7, 2014 at 8:11 pmThose are certainly valid concerns. If it’s best to use a pen name, do so. My experience has been that ultimately, it comes out who is behind the pen name — it takes A LOT of planning and vigilance. That, in and of itself, can be exhausting.
good luck, sweetie
Vincent Paul says
January 7, 2014 at 11:01 pmI completely agree. If your going to declare yourself as a writer at least have some common sense about it. Now grammar and spelling mistakes happen, but don’t use that excuse too often. That’s why we proofread our content.
RachelintheOC says
January 9, 2014 at 3:20 pmYup, exactly. That’s why I have both an editor AND a proofreader, as well as multiple betareaders There shouldn’t be a mistake — no doubt there will be! We’re only human. Thanks for reading and commenting, Vincent.
Ross Newport says
January 9, 2014 at 3:32 amI agree with all you have said except the part about people not telling painters or musicians what to paint or play, people who don’t paint, write, sculpt, make music or any other type of creative activity, and some that do, have a much singular idea of what art “should” be about, look like or sound like. This stunting ignorance isn’t the bane of just one art form but all of them…
RachelintheOC says
January 9, 2014 at 3:15 pmHi Ross — thanks for reading and commenting. Certainly that can happen — we know art of any kind is BIG business, and the suits want to appeal to buyers’ wallets more than their artistic sensibilities. It’s up to the creators of art to stick to what we think our art should be. Ultimately, our critics are our readers and the result will be whether they share our books via word of mouth.
Thanks for visiting!
Tomio Black says
January 11, 2014 at 6:33 amI don’t write for validation and I surely don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life or write as I please. What I do need is a job. I’m a teacher, and if you think that it’s okay for teachers to do whatever they want in their free time, then page through the news for the last few months and see who loses jobs for sexy facebook photos or having posed for erotic pics a dozen years ago.
Do we want to get into what a divorce and custody hearing could become if a particularly nasty lawyer decides to drag erotic writing into the mix?
It’s wonderful that some people have nothing to lose by being public about their lifestyle and what they write. But having nothing to lose doesn’t make you superior in any way. It just means you have nothing to lose.
I use a pseudonym because I have a life to protect. I made that decision because I happen to know details of my life that are simply not going to be made public to justify that decision. I shouldn’t have to justify that to anyone.
RachelintheOC says
January 11, 2014 at 2:59 pmThere are definite considerations and your situation is surely one of them. Here’s the difference: many authors never even write their story (whatever genre). Kudos to you for writing and getting your work out there! That’s the point I was hoping to make. I apologize if that wasn’t clear.
I do feel writing with a pen name is absolutely appropriate in many cases, such as yours. That said, I don’t recommend living in fear of what ‘could’ or ‘might’ happen at some point in the future. Life is for living. This is my blog, my opinion and experiences only. You and others must make that decision for yourselves.
Thanks for weighing in. I appreciate all viewpoints.
Tomio Black says
January 11, 2014 at 5:23 pmI agree that life is much too short to live in fear. I’ve done what I need to do to keep things separate that need to be separated. At some point in the infinite future, there is a possibility of bleed-over. I accept of that risk and will deal with it when/if it happens.
Part of why I write is the joy of creating something – at one level it doesn’t matter if it is read or not. At an entirely other level, I want it to be read and enjoyed. At yet another, I want to make money off of it.
Jason Andrew Bond says
January 16, 2014 at 5:36 pmI couldn’t agree more Rachel! Excellent thoughts. Was just reading in Writing the Breakout Novel how voice comes primarily from setting yourself free. Only when we let our individual uniqueness out onto the page will our writing stand out. It takes a lot of bravery to do that.
RachelintheOC says
January 16, 2014 at 6:59 pmThanks, Jason. That’s it exactly! I hope more people read that book or realize it on their own. It absolutely does take a lot of bravery — and for many, they are brave but feel forced to stay quiet.
I hope to at least get people writing about the hard stuff — even if nobody ever reads it. Writing is absolutely a form of therapy. We face our demons.
Good luck with your work, Jason and thanks so much for reading and commenting.
S. Patrick Cunningham says
March 3, 2014 at 4:42 pmI’ve dealt with my share of this, especially since when I was a little kid, I loved showing my mommy my great new story. I found myself in increasingly difficult conundrums as I became a teenager and my writing started to address more mature subjects.
Writing for validation is so much *fun,* though, isn’t it? “Oh my gosh, I just loved it.” I thrive on that kind of stuff. But the writing that means the most is always the stuff that comes straight from the heart. It took me some guts to get my latest serial on paper (and then to put it online where anybody could read it) because it addressed some issues that were pretty close to my heart.
It’s good to know other people are thinking about this.
RachelintheOC says
March 3, 2014 at 9:48 pmThanks for sharing, S. Patrick. I absolutely felt I was doing the right thing by switching gears and writing a more serious nonfiction book. It’s almost as if my mind wouldn’t allow me to move on to more humor, if that makes sense.
As writers, we have to validate from within. That’s difficult, because this society we live in thrives on 15 seconds of fame — one tweet can make a career and if everyone loves you, you must be great. But what happens when they don’t love you anymore? The puublic is fickle. That’s why we must write our stories as we see them. Good luck to you and keep writing 🙂
Renee Charles says
March 3, 2014 at 7:19 pmI loved this post. Very well said. I walked away from Harlequin because they wanted me to cut so much of my novel it no longer looked like my story and this was before I even had a contract. I write romance and grew up reading HQ, I thought it was the ultimate nod to be accepted by them. I managed to contract elsewhere with a much smaller publisher and an editor who believed in my story, I would not change that experience for anything. My friends and family couldn’t believe I made the decision I did, but I have not regretted it yet. I learned that moment exactly what you are writing about in this post. I can’t tell you how good it feels to trust yourself in your journey.
RachelintheOC says
March 3, 2014 at 9:45 pmThank you for sharing, Renee! Good for you for standing up for your vision. In this day, that can be difficult — isn’t it amazing how everyone has an opinion of our writing before we’ve even released it? 🙂
Small publishers and editors can make all the difference. At some point, big publishers will realize the value in allowing artists to create art. Meanwhile, we’ll be out here writing away. xx
Susan Fox says
March 4, 2014 at 6:11 amRachel,
This is another article of yours I need to print and read often. I am so conditioned to seek approval, the thoughts you present actually seem almost foreign to me. Horrified at writing something that might embarrass my family I should know, while in a bad marriage I actually sought permission from a wonderful counselor to leave. Long story. Thanks for your writing, I am one of those people you really connect with Rachel.
Susan Fox
Jon Simmonds says
March 6, 2014 at 2:02 amExcellent post Rachel. We absolutely shouldn’t hold ourselves back for fear of being judged, but it’s human nature. And we’re the ones who’ve chosen to put our work out there in a public space in the first place – no-one forced us to do it. It’s uncomfortable and potentially embarrassing, but if you believe in what you’re writing then you should stand by it. That said though, there are passages in my novel that I certainly wouldn’t look forward to my mother reading… But at the end of the day, I chose to write what I did, I believe in the story and the quality of the prose, so it’s a case of either accepting that or not following a lifelong dream. And I know I couldn’t be happy in myself if I didn’t follow the dream. Thanks for a thought-provoking and challenging post.