Let's Talk Suicide and Compassion via @RachelintheOC

Rachel Thompson

Author • Poet • Advocate

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Let’s Talk Suicide and Compassion

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*trigger warning*

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion

~ The Dalai Lama

An English fellow with a fairly large following left a stark, terrifying message on his Facebook wall last week, a suicide note: he had swallowed a lethal dose of pills, he had given up, he was done.

NC-Suicide-Prevention-Ad

Predictably, and with swift action, hundreds of people worldwide banded together to get him help and fortunately, help made it in time. We all breathed a collective sigh of relief. He was taken to hospital and it is our hope, got the psychiatric help he desperately needs. The wonders of social media — saving a life, yea? Lots of shit happens on social media — awful, terrible things. But this was one instance where I felt buoyed by the wonders of technology!

I don’t know this man well, other than a few retweets here and there and reading a few of his blog posts. We’re not good friends, but he seems like a nice enough guy who has been going through a rough time. We’ve all known rough times. [share ]Having compassion for another is part of being human.[/share] So when I saw people criticize him for leaving his suicide note on Facebook, telling him to just get it over with, calling him a ‘coward,’ and other such bitter ‘tough love’ armchair psychobabble, I was appalled. Shocked. Upset.

But not all that surprised.

SUICIDE PREVENTION

September is National Suicide Prevention Month.

‘According to the World Health Organization (WHO), nearly 3000 people on average commit suicide daily. Suicide rates are at an all time high for veterans. In addition, for every person who commits suicide, 20 or more others attempt to end their lives.’

About one million people die by suicide each year (WHO). World Suicide Prevention Day, which first started in 2003, is recognized annually on Septembr 10. World Suicide Prevention Day aims to:

  1. Raise awareness that suicide is preventable
  2. Improve education about suicide
  3. Spread information about suicide awareness
  4. Decrease stigmatization regarding suicide

This is most staggering to me: 90% of people who die by #suicide have a diagnosable/treatable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death. Youth is especially at risk (bullying, gays, etc. Read more here at The Semicolon Project).

MY EXPERIENCE

I’ve not personally tried to kill myself, though the thought crossed my mind when I was in the midst of experiencing the childhood sexual abuse I write about in Broken Pieces (I was eleven). It wasn’t until recently that I’ve been able to recognize and admit that. Not because of the stigma — if anything, I’m an open book. No, it’s more because I didn’t realize that what I was feeling — that complete desperation of wanting to make it just stop, and looking for ways to make that happen — was me actually considering it. Looking in my folks’ medicine cabinet and opening bottles of mystifying names colors stumped that lost, young child. A good thing, I realize now.

Fortunately, it never went further for me, despite depression, anxiety, and PTSD — I sought help as an adult and continue treatment (medical and therapeutic) to this day. The few times I’ve attempted to stop meds, the gray closes in. So, I accepted long ago that I will continue to go with what works for me. Because, despite what anybody else says about me or how they think I should be doing things, my depression belongs to me and not to anyone else.

COMPASSION

[share alt=”an ex-lover shot himself in the heart. It was as shocking as you would imagine it to be.” style=”right” ]A few years ago, an ex-lover shot himself in the heart. It was as shocking as you would imagine it to be.[/share]A few years ago, an ex-lover shot himself in the heart. It was as shocking as you would imagine it to be. We hadn’t seen each other in over twenty years though we had been in touch. In fact, we had chatted that day at lunch and I had no idea that anything was wrong. Those closest to him knew though, and, as I discovered later, not only was he an alcoholic, he had suffered from depression (most likely untreated bipolar, given his predilection for high-risk behavior — drugs, bull-riding, black-diamond skiing, etc).

Many people who knew him felt what he did was incredibly selfish — he had a young son, debts, etc. I didn’t agree, and I still don’t. What’s lacking in that attitude is compassion, and let’s face it, respect. His burden became to heavy to carry any longer. It was his life. I felt the same with the fellow I mentioned at the beginning, as well as with Robin Williams’ tragic death. Who are we to play judge and jury with someone else’s life?

If someone is in pain and we know, we reach out. That is what good people do. Even if we don’t know what to do or how to do it, we reach out. That’s where compassion comes in. Being there is often enough. Calling someone names or making judgments about them says far more about those who say those things than it ever says about the person they are targeting. What are these people thinking?

(Compassion is my watchword for this year, and I’m trying really hard to have compassion for the people saying these really awful things, but I’m not perfect. They really pissed me off. The best I can come up with is that they must be speaking from a place of their own great loss and pain, and I hope they follow their own advice and seek help as well.)

Before you make a flippant comment, remember, this IS life or death.

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.’ 

~ Paulo Coelho 

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Comments

  1. Thanks for sharing this. It feels like the empathy gap has been widening on social media these days. Limited text based interactions and anonymity have always factored into users behavior, but it’s starting to feel like a free for cyber bullies.

    Happy to hear he found the help he needed and that the trolls were drowned out by soberer minds.

    Reply

    • Hi Drew, and thank you for reading and your comments. I love social media, but the ugly side makes me cringe, especially when I see young people taking their lives because of bullying and humiliation due to social media being used WRONG. The tools themselves are not at fault — just as a gun itself is an inanimate object. It’s the people who fuck it up.

      I can’t say the trolls were drowned out — to be honest, it took everything I had to walk away. The negativity was toxic. Flame wars on Facebook walls — really? To what end? I could have simply crawled into my cave and washed my hands of it, but there was enough outrage to at least write this and hope, in my idealist way, that spreading the word about awareness and compassion may one day make someone think twice.

      Reply

  2. I appreciate what you have written and can connect with much of what you say and have experienced. I don’t understand the lack of compassion so many show either, and I tend to think it comes from their own fear and inability to look at their own issues. Luckily I don’t come across this too often, but it really pisses me off when I do. I agree that spreading the word and raising awareness is the only hope, and I do believe that the tide is turning towards more understanding about mental illness. I can be a bit idealistic though… I know I will continue to do what I can to raise awareness and educate people..

    Reply

    • Thanks Danny. It IS infuriating, the way others so easily judge others who are clearly in pain. If we cut ourselves and need stitches, nobody questions the need for immediate care. But if someone attempts suicide, people make terrible comments I won’t repeat here. Mental pain is just as devastating and needs treatment, too.

      I agree with you — raising awareness is helping the tide turn. We’re not there yet, but it’s a start. xx

      Reply

  3. It’s disheartening that people criticized the poor man for reaching out on social media. I’m glad you are drawing attention to the subject of suicide, because that’s part of the problem. It’s taboo. We need to bring it to the forefront and speak about it openly.

    Reply

    • It can be disheartening, especially when he was clearly in need of critical help. I spoke privately with a very good friend of his and she advised him to stay off social media altogether. I hope he is listening to her.

      The majority of people on social are great — that’s how you and I met, Sarah (and yay, IRL, too!) but remember, the 80/20 rule is always in play. Maybe these folks who are the 20% need to be there so others can educate them. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I only know that suicide rates are rising and that scares me for our future. Yay you for being an agent for change. xx

      Reply

  4. Thank you for sharing this! It’s true, we need more compassion and understanding. I hate hearing how “selfish” someone is for committing suicide. I’m sorry, but you would never tell someone suffering from say cancer or any other numerous illness that destroy your mind and body that they are selfish for feeling that’s their only option. Mental illness is real and it is hard. The support, compassion and understanding is what will help prevent suicides.

    Reply

    • Selfish is such a loaded term, almost as if the one saying is saying the same thing about themselves. You are so right, about the cancer analogy. Nobody ASKS to get cancer, just as nobody ASKS to get depression so severe they choose suicide as a way to make it stop.

      My hope is that more people will seek help or others will notice those in need and get them help before it’s too late…and all this ‘selfish’ business will finally be put to rest.

      Reply

  5. Thank you for sharing this, Rachel. I am always touched and inspired by your honesty and openness. I am so glad that, when you went through your period of wanting to “make it stop” you didn’t choose a permanent solution. Also, thank you for the reminder about compassion. There are times it is difficult for me to remember compassion when I’m stuck in my own head. Understanding can go out the window, and I need to work on that. Hugs to you, my brave friend.

    Reply

    • Thank you, Caroline! Your words mean more to me than you can imagine.

      It was really a startling realization — any good therapist will ask if you have, or have had, suicidal thoughts. My answer has always been no. It really wasn’t until I started writing intensively about that difficult period of time that I even recovered those memories and explored the significance. I tend to minimize it all — ‘oh, I just looked in the cabinet, opened a few bottles. I didn’t swallow any,’ but it took a qualified therapist to tell me that was serious, especially in one so young. I’m still working through it all.

      Compassion — yes, it’s not an easy one. I’ve been reading and studying Buddhist teachings for years and while much of it seems easy on the outside, boy, it’s not. Rising above, walking away, engaging in polite discourse — those are all goals I strive for, but don’t always succeed (thus, they are goals :). We’ll get there. Hugs, back.

      Reply

    • I’m so sorry for your loss, Donna. It’s so difficult for those left behind, particularly when it happens so young. So many (90%) of suicides are due to depression or other treatable mental illnesses. I can’t say anything about your mother, but maybe you can talk with those closest to her and find out (if you haven’t already) what was happening at the time in her life. Sometimes, having insights to our loved one’s state of mind can help us better understand. Chemical imbalances are something many of us still don’t understand, but can be especially bewildering to a young child with little to no information.

      For me, talking with my ex’s sister and nephew helped quite a bit. I learned that he had attempted twice before — something that shocked the hell out of me. He was so strong. Yet, in light of all that they told me, it made sense. He would never have asked for therapeutic help. He self-medicated with alcohol and high-risk behavior. Eventually, the crashes outweighed the highs, the pain was just too great. It’s just…sad.

      hugs.

      Reply

  7. Rachel, thank you so much for sharing this. After the death of Robin Williams, so much has come to light about depression and other mental health issues and conditions. So sad that it takes the death of a beloved celebrity for people to actually care and show compassion and if we are very lucky, actually do something that might save one more person. Just because you can’t fix another person doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care enough to listen and show love and compassion for a very lost soul. You may surprise yourself, learn something, and save yourself or a loved one in the future. Even at worst case scenario, you know you tried to help and understand. Thanks again for sharing

    Reply

    • Hi George and thank you for your comments. Williams is a shocking and devastating loss to the world, as well as to those closest to him who will still be reeling for years to come.

      Depression doesn’t discriminate, and neither does compassion. I hope that through awareness, we can merge the two and save more lives.

      Reply

  8. Dear Lord, you know I could go on and on about this subject since I am interested in writing a book about it, but I will just address the situation you spoke of here in this post. I, too, recently saw someone post on Facebook and knew that the indication was that he wanted to commit suicide. I had just so happened to catch a previous post, which was swiftly removed within 10 minutes and yet another post indicating he was on his way out. This was a young man (college age) I had seen at church, but didn’t know well. I had contacted him by private message before and counseled him about his desperation and he assured me he was fine. This third time I saw the post was late at night, after most who knew him would be in bed. I didn’t hesitate to act because, well…. what if? What if I was the only one who saw it and he actually did it? Could I live with myself?

    I immediately called my pastor and she, in turn, called his mother. His mother was shocked and had no idea. I have a lot I could say about this situation. I received a private message from him later and he sounded miffed at me for involving the pastor and his mother. He was miffed at me? I was miffed at him! It was unfair of him to torture his Facebook friends in this way and expect us not to try to help. I knew that’s what these messages were; a cry for help. It was, in a literal sense, an attention-getting headline. He put up a new message on Facebook after that reassuring everyone that he was NOT going to commit suicide. Privately, I had told him that he should not post his thoughts in the way he had if he did not wish for people to think that and to act on them and I reassured him that even though we may not know him well, we care. I do understand the feeling of “it’s selfish” when it comes to suicide. What about my feelings? What about your mother, sister, kids, or anyone on the planet who cares about you and has to stay here to live with your tragedy? You ended your pain. We get to live with it for the rest of our lives. Now, to voice these things publicly is not acceptable, but I do understand the root of the emotion behind it and Rachel, we both know that people sometimes have no filter on their virtual tongues.

    As you know, I’ve experienced this multiple times (both suicides and attempts of friends, co-workers, and loved ones). I have compassion and am never mean about it, but there is a subtle manipulation with suicide at times as well. I have had to cut ties with a family member for this reason. Her constant threats of suicide and using me as a sounding board were too much to handle. I watch what it does to the family and it’s sickening. I feel compassion for her and so does the rest of the family. But compassion, I’ve found, won’t change the mind of a desperate and/or despondent individual. When you are asked to “save” someone over and over and over, it absolutely tears you up. She treated me like her psychologist, but the burden she asked me to bear was monumentally unfair and I was not qualified to treat her, medicate her, etc.

    Additionally, with my own daughter, during a time she was threatening it constantly, I finally had to resign myself to her imminent death. I literally did everything to help her and could do no more but wait. Thankfully, she got through it and so has the other family member, time and time again. But some are just suddenly and inexplicably – gone. Without warning, they rip your heart out a la Robin Williams.

    If a person has never come into contact with a suicidal person, they should consider themselves lucky. I have had so many situations, both failed and successful, at great impact to my own life. Myriad reasons precipitate the situations. A fellow Lyme sufferer just took her life recently out of desperation. Could I blame her? No. I remember feeling like I wanted to die when I was so sick with the disease. Feeling like nobody could help me or understand was torture. Doctor after doctor told me I was fine, my tests were normal, but I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong.

    There are so many reasons in life to lose hope. I’ve been there, felt it, experienced it with others, and there is no easy way to say “It’s going to be okay,” and make it sound like the truth when you are at that point of desperation. I just hope that through our writings, we can encourage people to see the hope there is in living… because there is always hope, even when it can’t be seen or felt. I think of the times I could have given up and done it myself and what I would have missed out on. Tragic! I thank God I’m alive and I want others to live to see their own greatness and happiness come to fruition. It’s why we share our stories. Keep sharing, sister! Keep sharing!

    Reply

    • I appreciate your input, Cindy. There are SO many reasons people lose hope — as you say, it’s not always depression — or it is, but due to external factors like disease, job loss, relationships gone awry, and many other reasons.

      We differ on the ‘selfish’ point, but that’s okay. I understand what you’re saying completely — sadly, people in that state aren’t capable of thinking of others’ feelings. They want whatever pain they are in to simply end. Ultimately, one’s life belongs to them — not to you, not to their mother, not to their friends. To them.

      Philosophically, we can wax on all day. When it comes down to it, you did the right thing, getting him help, because he needed it. I’m so sorry about your friend who didn’t make it. And I understand how you had to cut off others. We are not shrinks — we are not professionals. I refer people often who are in need — I’m not a therapist and I would never attempt to counsel someone. I refer them to someone who can help them. At least we can direct them to help.

      love you, sister. always!

      Reply

    • I think the What about my feelings? question is an important one to ask at-risk people, because they have a warped perspective and do not believe or can’t care anymore that others will be hurt by their passing. That kind of question can be a lifeline to let someone know they would be missed. But I don’t think the sentiment behind it ought to be accusatory. Remind them that they will be missed, not that they are being selfish. Many people aren’t thinking clearly when they are that depressed (or in the case of Williams, after learning about his diagnosis, I believe he decided to end it more quickly).

      My compassion reaches its limits when people use suicide and suicide threats as a form of abuse and control. *TRIGGERWARNINGTRIGGERWARNING for domestic abuse/emotional abuse.* Like how my friend’s long-distance ex-fiance, insecure about being able to control a girlfriend who lived on another continent, would threaten suicide if she left him. He once held a kitchen knife to his throat over Skype and threatened to cut it and mocked her for not having any power to prevent him — but it would be her fault if he killed himself. He tried this with another girlfriend before, who called the police. He of course painted her as the “controlling” one. It is really something when your best friend calls you at 2am nearly incoherent with tears because she wants to leave an abusive f*cker but doesn’t want to “make” him kill himself. Did that young man have a medical problem? Was he really suicidal or was he just using it to manipulate? I have no idea. Even if he was genuinely depressed, I admit I am not a generous enough person to find compassion in my heart for him. Now, it’s a bit different where my mother was concerned. She would watch my father abuse me and do nothing, sometimes even encouraging it or joining in herself. But when she became a target, she would cry and threaten suicide…making me even more terrified that I would then be left with no protector, even a shitty, part-time abusive one, in the house. And you know what? I get that. It was a survival tactic used by an abused person. She was probably depressed and confused and upset. I understand that on an intellectual level. And on an intellectual, rational level, I can have compassion. No one has to “fem-splain” to me the psychology of abused women because they think I just don’t understand what she was going through. Believe me, I do understand. But the heart still, selfishly, asks that “What about me?” question. I still harbor a lot of hatred towards her and think she was incredibly selfish. And I know that is wrong. It’s not a fair way to feel or think. It’s terribly unfair. And as someone who has had issues with mental health, you’d think I’d be more compassionate. But when someone hurts you that badly, whether it’s something like that or a suicide — which some part of you can’t help but take as the person saying “You weren’t enough to live for” or “I left you because I didn’t care,” you can’t control your gut feelings. Even if you know you are wrong and you feel like the world’s biggest asshole for not having more compassion — not being able to banish that small, selfish voice that whispers “But what about me?” Whatever that ugly middle ground is where pain and hypocrisy meet. That’s where that voice lives. I wish there was more room to discuss that ugly side of ourselves.

      Tl;dr: I agree with you, but damn is it hard sometimes.

      Reply

  9. Great post, Rachel. I’m so glad you’re doing better now! And yes, compassion is the answer, even though it’s not always easy.

    I also wanted to add to your point about the good side of social media. A few years ago, I was getting sick of the drivel on Facebook and was thinking of quitting, when I checked it one night to see a post from a “friend” I’d known only slightly in high school. She was desperately asking if anyone had the address of another person from our graduating class, because apparently, the other person had posted a note to FB saying she was saying her final goodbye to the world, then had deleted her account. I didn’t know the suicidal woman’s address–I barely knew her either–but a few minutes later, a couple of people who did know her address responded, and sent an ambulance to her home. She was found in pretty bad shape, but was taken to the hospital and eventually recovered. Oftentimes, when I hear people bashing social media, I think about that night, and the woman who just happened to notice the cry for help at the right time, acted on it, and quickly located people who could do something. I’m also happy to say that I’ve seen a few posts from the woman who almost died, and she seems to be living a happy life again. So score one for FB! And for compassionate people!

    Reply

    • Hi Mary! and thank you for reading and commenting AND your kind words.

      What a great example of the power of social media. FB drives me crazy many times — the false positivity, the political and religious discussions especially. But the deep connections and help like you mention is worth the chaff. As my friend says, 80/20 rule is always in effect, so 20% of people will stand out as helpful and compassionate in times of need, and we can ignore the other 80% who drive us up a wall! And you just never know — maybe one of those 80% will need our help one day or vice versa. Being human is about being open and learning and helping others.

      hugs, you.

      Reply

    • You are so right, Mary. My daughter was texting back and forth with a young (14) girl on Kick or something and the girl said she was going to kill herself. My daughter sneakily asked her her address so she could send her a gift. The girl gave it to my daughter and thank goodness for Google and the internet, I was able to find the mother and we connected and the mom and girl had a talk. The mother thanked me and my daughter profusely for what we did. I thank the internet.

      Reply

  10. Thank you for this. As someone who struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, I appreciate your lack of judgment for those who end up deciding to check out.
    Many of my friends think that it’s unfair, that it’s a terrible thing to do to someone else, that it’s never an option — they don’t see how, ultimately, being blamed for what I might or might not be doing to another person is in many ways yet another hurt layered upon all the others. I don’t think so. A person’s life is, ultimately, their own, and I feel deeply no one has the right to tell anyone if they have the right to decide if they can bear anymore than they have already.

    Reply

    • I appreciate your honesty, Katje (beautiful name, BTW). I agree with you — ultimately, we are given this one body to occupy for the time we have, and some have an easier time of it than others for whatever reasons. Nobody is in our heads or our hearts but us, and we drive our own bus. Sure, we are in each other’s lives, and our actions affect one another — there’s no denying that.

      I do find this discussion interesting though — people want us to take responsibility for our actions, but when someone chooses suicide, they say ‘he/she took responsibility but how dare they!’ Everyone has an opinion on how others should live, or not live. All I hope to do is create awareness that people in need don’t need judgement, they need understanding, love, and compassion and most importantly, help.

      Reply

      • Rachel:

        Merci du compliment. 🙂

        I feel like it’s …an extension of the whole “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality that we have in this country. We extend the same judgment to people on welfare, the homeless, the mentally ill/disabled… I cannot recount how often I’ve heard “well, you just need to try and get past it” with regards to depression, or once, from another friend, “I don’t believe your health issues are 100% biological. I’m sure they stem from (poor?) life decisions/habits”.

        I say this not to say that people are cruel, no, I believe that people need to believe that there are boots with bootstraps that you can pull yourself up by because the alternative is too painful/scary for them to contemplate. They do not see how their insistence that we live in a meritocracy where enough hard work will net you a good life is hurtful.

        Therefore, yes, they want us to take responsibility because …taking responsibility will make us “better”. They do not see that sometimes there is no magic pill, there is no solution to a world of pain, and that sometimes there are no good choices. Suicide seems to be seen as this …”easy way out”, this erasure of personal responsibility rather than someone saying “no, really, I cannot. Death by a thousand cuts means an end to the pain and yet this has been the ten thousandth cut and yet I still live with no hope of returning to what constitutes a “normal” life.”

        Again, thank you for this series of posts. It is a kindness.

        Reply

        • Thank you for your honesty, Katje. The ‘thousand cuts’ line is such an apt description. Normal is such a misnomer for anyone in any life — I think we all do the best we can anyway — sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it crushes us.

          Hugs, girl.

          Reply

  11. Thank you for a well thought out and compassionate article.I once thought that suicide was a selfish act having seen two different families affected by the tragedy – I never knew the people who committed suicide, only the survivors and their grief. And I was angry at what people I cared about were going through.
    I spoke with a relative, a psychologist (just a casual conversation) and I voiced my anger. I said these people had been selfish and focused only on themselves and not what their actions would do to others. She replied, “Yes, they are focusing inward, but not because they want to, that is all they can do and all they can see is their own despair.” She made me think.
    Years later I knew a young man who TRIED to commit suicide – fortunately his father came home in time to call 911 and he was saved – this young man was a loving, considerate individual who loved his parents and friends, but he found he couldn’t focus on them and so he tried to end his young life. He did get help and is now an adult who is making huge contributions in his community and family, I still hear from/about him from time to time.
    I am grateful that my psychologist relative made me look at things differently and grateful to you for voicing what so many of us need to hear.

    Reply

  13. A brave, honest and compassionate post, Rachel. It’s often forgotten or not acknowledged that depression is a life threatening illness. Two people close to me have killed themselves. In both cases they seemed well and happy just before they died. I guess it was perhaps the relief of having made the decision to end their suffering. The repercussions for those bereaved by suicide are terrible – sorrow, guilt and anger. But I think maybe those who kill themselves also see the act as compassionate towards their loved ones- freeing them from the worry of living with someone with a mental illness. Whatever, far too many lives are lost in this way. You are so right in all you say above. Compassion is vital.

    Reply

  14. Thank you for writing this. My daughter (15) suffers from depression and suicidal ideation and she’s on meds as well as in a very great program for adolescents for her illness. I found people in my own family were not as empathetic as I hoped. When you said, “Calling someone names or making judgments about them says far more about those who say those things than it ever says about the person they are targeting,” I wanted to cheer. I have gotten into some huge arguments with my husband as well as my son (20) about my daughter’s state of mind. I can’t believe how many people (along with my husband and son) think that my daughter can just “think positive thoughts” and “get into tennis or something” and her depression will just go away. I chalk it up to ignorance of psychological disorders and thus lack of empathy for same.

    Reply

  15. This… takes me back. I understand wanting the pain to stop; my first inpatient psychiatric stay was for a drug OD as a very young adult. But, I wasn’t exactly trying to commit suicide, then. No, what I consider my attempt was during the liquid hellfire years of middle school. It was a half-hearted one.

    I won’t describe further… I’d need a post of my own for that, with a strong trigger warning. I’m not suicidal, now– “The son becomes the father…” and “…the father becomes the son” summarize a huge swath of why. Um… that’s all I can manage to say, right now.

    Reply

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