I just read this on someone’s Facebook wall:
“If you post something on your wall that I don’t like, I will attack you. I don’t have to agree with what you post, so expect my vitriol.”
Huh, I didn’t realize that was how this worked. I thought my wall was MY wall, for me to post things that I believed in. I didn’t realize I needed others’ approval.
So noted.
I’m not always a huge Facebook fan, for many reasons — more of a Twitter girl myself. I’m not sure if it’s this week’s news, having to do with those crazy Duggars, or Jenner, or Hastert, or what it is exactly, but some people have simply lost their shit. People I know personally (as in, have met in real life), are closing their accounts, or blocking/unfriending people by the hundreds — in one case, by the thousands. One friend completely closed her account. She’s done.
Why now? What is going on? Let’s deconstruct.
FALSE POSITIVES
There are plenty of studies that show that people feel down, and some become downright depressed, after spending too much time on Facebook. Most authors I know keep it open all day, every day. All night, too. [share ]Facebook is the ultimate distraction — which is why I keep it off [/share] (except for client accounts).
Facebook is also how we compare ourselves to others — often times, without meaning to. [share ]Social Comparison Theory occurs subconsciously, and we do it all the time[/share], especially on social media. We compare ourselves to the carefully crafted ‘best selves’ people present to the world, and even though we realize the perfection is false, we still can’t help ourselves from wanting to achieve that distorted perfection, too. (Source: The Conversation, April, 2015.)
People prone to mental health issues are also at risk for increased anxiety, lower self-esteem, increased depression, and even suicidal thoughts after engaging with negative people on Facebook, specifically (and this doesn’t even take into account bullying). (Source: Psych Central).
TRUE POSITIVES
I am a fan of Facebook for the positive way I can connect with survivors of childhood sexual abuse — I’ve formed a ‘secret’ group (as Facebook refers to it) for survivors only and it’s our place for group support — men and women who have come together to help each other and bond in a way I personally have never known before. It’s truly a community of love and if that makes me a hippie, cool, man. I’m also part of some amazingly supportive women’s and author groups — I’m grateful.
I also love connecting with readers, authors, bloggers, reviewers, and friends/family on Facebook. Yea, I get my share of creeps and weirdos, but I regularly unfriend people to make room for more (on my personal Facebook), and interact often on my various pages (author and business). I get quite a lot of business from Facebook, too. To not be there would be short-sighted on my part, but I do limit my interactions. Why? Because it’s a time-suck!
It’s for that reason that [share ]I’ve instituted Facebook-free Fridays for myself [/share]— I don’t post anything on Fridays, I don’t interact on my personal Facebook account, nothing, nada. I do take care of my clients’ accounts, and answer work-related PMs, but that’s it. It’s amazing how much work I get done on Fridays now!
WHY IS IT SO POLARIZING?
Politics and religion will always polarize people, and anything having to do with sex. People get bored, and when they’re bored, they’re unhappy. When they’re unhappy, they love to spread that emotion, and what better way than through dropping easily flammable bombs on posts abouts sex, politics and religion? Thinking they are engaging with people, they are actually becoming more bored, cherry-picking a post to reply to, waiting for someone to comment, causing themselves to live in a loop of unhappiness. (Source: The New Yorker). Hint: read a great book instead.
I can’t help but think about those car commercials where the young twenty-something child is online talking with all her friends on a beautiful sunny day on Facebook, while her parents are out bike riding or hiking with their friends. Funny, right?
Sad, too. I used to dread election years as a kid because of the boring, loud political commercials, preventing me from getting back to The Brady Bunch or something else equally (mind-numbingly) important. Now I dread election years because of all the people on Facebook writing novel-length, redundant posts, trying to convince each other that Republicans are better than Democrats or Democrats are better than Republicans, as if we aren’t all entitled to our own opinions about it in the first place.
Facebook in particular lends itself to this kind of negativity because of the lack of space limitations, whereas with Twitter, we are limited to 140-character insults.
This is part of why I established a set of Facebook wall rules (Go to About, Click on Details About You). Feel free to steal them if you’d like:
RULES:
1) My mantra is compassion, above all else. That said, this is my wall, my rules. Don’t like it? Unfriend me, please. It’s cool. I’m not for everyone.
2) No name-calling, I will immediately unfriend you. If you can’t be a grownup and not throw sand at people, go away.
3) I really become disappointed when you bring religion or politics onto my wall, especially if I’ve posted about, oh, IDK, cookies. So, don’t. Save that shit for your own wall.
4) I have every right to post what I want on my wall. If you don’t like it, too bad. Again, unfriend me. I don’t have to defend myself to you, so get over it.
5) I encourage polite discourse and we don’t have to agree to have intelligent conversations. Just be cool.
(Want more of me? Check out my blog https://rachelintheoc.com/ or biz blog http://BadRedheadMedia.com/ for social media, marketing and branding help).
PEOPLE ARE WATCHING, EVEN IF YOU DON’T THINK THEY ARE
If you are a fan of Facebook, then awesome. It’s great in limited amounts, and if you use it for building relationships with your readers, you’re smart. Remember, all your posts are public, especially when you get into it with people about controversial topics. You probably wouldn’t believe the amount of PMs (private messages) I receive from people who read what others post on my wall, including publishers and agents.
People pay attention!
We learn from the Negative Nancy’s, too. To the guy who told me to ‘Just get over it’ when I shared a quote about having trust issues (from Broken Places), many, many people commented on his lack of compassion, including some high level folks I won’t name. However, I thanked him. Crazy, right?
Because he confirms for me that I’m absolutely on the right path with my advocacy. It’s easy to get defensive, but remember that most negative people are expressing their own perception, not yours. Let it go.
Diplomacy goes a long way on social media, and will always reflect positively on you.
What are your Facebook experiences? Fire away!
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pictures courtesy of unsplash
Norah Colvin says
June 7, 2015 at 12:41 amIt’s always great advice on your site, Rachel. Thank you. And I’m so sorry you have to put up with those who vent their negative opinions in your direction.
Rachel Thompson says
June 9, 2015 at 2:37 pmHi Norah! Thanks for reading. I just write what I see and feel, and research A LOT. The human condition is endlessly fascinating to me, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. I love learning from others — I also love learning my own boundaries. Sometimes, shutting off social media is one of those.
hugs, girl.
gayle H says
June 7, 2015 at 7:33 pmgo Girl you are writing what is important and what some people need to hear. HUP HUP HURRAH
Rachel Thompson says
June 9, 2015 at 2:59 pmThank you, Gayle!
Steve Bargdill says
June 8, 2015 at 7:32 amInteresting piece. I found much of what you said to be (sadly) true.
One of the Facebook tactics I use involves lists. Not all of my posts are fully public. Some only go to family. Others are public only to the academic circles I float around in–others to my readers, friends. I do believe I’m going to start the No FACEBOOK FRIDAY thing. But it’s going to be hard. What made you decide to remove yourself from Facebook on Fridays? How hard was it to do?
Rachel Thompson says
June 9, 2015 at 2:44 pmHi Steve — I think I just needed a break on Fridays specifically because, as a writer and self-employed businessperson, I have a packed day on Fridays. Wasting productive time on social media discussions, while challenging and fun, doesn’t pay my rent. It can contribute to relationships building and networking, but hey, I figure, I’ve got six other days to that, right?
Fridays also because it starts with an F and I like the alliteration. #WriterHere 🙂
It’s not hard now, but it does take some reminding — because I do get questions from clients or my Gravity Imprint authors etc in PM, or have work to do on client pages, I can’t ignore FB completely; but I don’t schedule or share any posts on my personal FB (friends) account on Fridays, nor do I interact at all — I don’t even check it, to be honest. It’s JUST social media — it can wait. I’m still available on Twitter and email — clients can always find me.
Barbara Radisavljevic says
June 9, 2015 at 2:04 amI try to pick my friends carefully. I made one mistake in giving an online acquaintance the benefit of the doubt and accepted his friend request because we had worked together online. I knew he could be brutal. he did not attack me, but he did attack my cousin on my wall. I unfriended him immediately. Most of the other friends I have are people who are or have been friends in real life or that I have gotten to know by working with them online. I don’t have much time to interact on my personal page, and spend most of my time with other bloggers in groups. I have worked with all of them on content sites in the past and we work well together. You are right that Facebook can be a real drain on time. That’s why I stay away from it except for a few minutes at the end of my productive workday.
Rachel Thompson says
June 9, 2015 at 2:58 pmVery smart, Barbara — to choose wisely. I find groups to be helpful — if they’re not, I exit, stage left. Productivity and connection are high on my list, but for many people, FB and other social media is more about filling time or whining, or trying to convince people of this or that. Don’t get me wrong — if the subject is about sexual abuse, I’m IN it, because I’m a fierce advocate and will absolutely dig in. However, I have a rule — one reply to someone who is obviously a pot-stirrer, and I’m out.
I’d rather take all that time and effort and interact with my peeps over here, or write a new post, or write a chapter for my new books, or promote somebody else, or give back to the community in some way. Turn that negativity around. I don’t always succeed! But that’s my goal.
Naomi Blackburn says
June 21, 2015 at 3:05 pmAs I posted on your wall when you first discussed this incident, in my humble opinion, we are just seeing a massive increase in not only a lack of social skills, but also a level of tolerance for those who think different from us. There is a narcissism among some that their beliefs/perspectives are the only correct ones and that whoever doesn’t agree with that deserve. I can’t tell you how many times I have been unfriended or I have had to block people because the have felt educated to “school” me when my political opinions differed from them. From a politics perspective, I blame both parties, political organizations and radio/tv outlets. I believe I even posted Larry Sabato’s most recent post identifying this trend. As I see the level of intolerance that is just really, really ugly in our society, I can’t help but be reminded of Nazi Germany at the cusp of the concentration camps or even American Japanese/German Internment Camps. Not only is it very sad to me…it is scary.
Rachel Thompson says
June 24, 2015 at 10:02 pmIt is scary, but I do believe that having public forums for discussion is important, too. We do have the ability to shut it off and walk away, and people forget that. As I said, taking Facebook-free Fridays is important for my own mental health. A break is healthy! We don’t have to agree on everything in order to like one another — you and I call each other out on lots of things and still remain friends. That’s part of our mutual respect — we can disagree and still like each other. Why does it have to be mutually exclusive?
People are either immature or taking things too personally. I’m not sure.
Love ya, honey honey!
Sandra says
June 25, 2015 at 10:02 pmHi Rachel, I’m not Facebook much anyway, but as I was reading, I immediately went to the icon on my phone and turned it off. You’re right, it’s too easily accessible and such a time-suck. I think Facebook Free Friday is a great idea, and more specifically in my case, it should be social media free Friday…darn Twitter, I can’t go five minutes without peaking. Great post.
Rachel Thompson says
June 25, 2015 at 11:33 pmHI Sandra! I often forget too and Friday comes up quickly each week. In fact, your comment reminded me! I find it’s unavoidable from a networking/business perspective (and as I say, I have client accounts to manage), so I’ll still be there, but not for personal reasons. One day away from Facebook won’t hurt me or you or anyone. Sometimes, I think an entire week might be a good idea, but the thought of coming back to all those messages is daunting. #eek
Twitter is different — the messages and short and easier to respond to (I find). the length limit means less to deal with, and it’s just as effective, if not more so.
thanks again for my reminder 😉
James Gummet says
July 2, 2015 at 4:39 amI think FaceBook Free Fridays is a great idea! It’s even got a cool hashtag, #FFF.
And yes, Facebook is a time suck. Even more for me since I have OCD. It’s really easily to get trapped in the loop of checking, checking, checking.
I’m glad I read this. I saved it from yesterday so I could read it this morning instead of reading Facebook.
Rachel Thompson says
July 5, 2015 at 9:52 amI’m glad you did, too. And I think we should start a trend of #FFF, too! brilliant. Plus baby goats and dogs. 🙂
James Gummet says
July 26, 2015 at 7:26 amBaby goats and dogs!
Kyrian Lyndon says
July 16, 2015 at 7:54 amHi Rachel,
This is so funny. I just did a blog on how much Facebook sucks. I agree with all of the above, and I’m more of a Twitter fan myself. I just went through a social media burnout period where I couldn’t summon an inkling of desire to post anything or like anything. You nailed it on all points.
Gisele says
July 25, 2015 at 7:30 amI totally agree about how FB lends itself to negativity and redundancy. I am a Twitter gal through and through myself and much prefer the energy over there. The only reason I haven’t closed my FB account is because of a few family members. I’m hardly over there at all and tend to lurk mostly because if I if I spend any amount of time there, it totally drains me. Also, I couldn’t care less to know who’s playing what game and so on. It’s such a huge waste of time.