Why Everyday Sexism Should Matter To You

Rachel Thompson

Author • Poet • Advocate

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Why Everyday Sexism Should Matter To You

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rachel thompson, everyday sexism, internet abuse

I want to share what I’ve experienced, a sort of report if you will, in sharing my stories about childhood sexual abuse, my experiences as a female human, and the responses from men. All of these examples are on my public Facebook wall or Twitter.

I want you to read these, and I want to hear what you have to say.

Before we start though, you have to watch this amazing video by John Oliver on Internet Sexism because he says it all. You can just stop reading and cruise around his YouTube channel for awhile. It’s cool. I don’t mind.

CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

No explicit info here, so no trigger warning required. As most of you may know, I’m an author. I’ve written two books about CSA, Broken Pieces and Broken Places, published by Booktrope. Both have won awards and are bestsellers on Amazon. I’m now the director of the Gravity Imprint for Booktrope, bringing others’ stories of trauma and recovery (fiction and nonfiction) to life. All amazing and I’m beyond honored to be in this position. I also created #SexAbuseChat on Twitter (join us any Tuesday, 6pm PST) with Bobbi Parish, survivor and certified therapist.

I share occasional snippets from my work on social media. This is a great way to not be all, ‘Buy my book!’ spammy, while still offering a glimpse, and if someone wants to purchase my work they can go to my bio where I have conveniently placed a link. When I shared this quote, from my latest memoir, Broken Places:

abuse alone

I received this response from a fella named G: You need to get over it.

I responded: Who is to say that writing about it doesn’t mean I’m not over it? And what if I’m not? That’s my business. Minimizing it shows a lack of compassion on your part. That line is from my latest release, which is memoir, meaning where I was at that time. Writing about our abuse is how we share and create community.

Now, I’m not proud of myself for getting defensive, so I’ll put that right out there. I am human. What I find very interesting here, however, is two-fold:

1) not one single woman has ever made a comment to me like that, in the three years since I released my first Broken book, but the other even more fascinating point, that I’m really digging deeper into is,

2) why does discussing abuse mean I’m not over it? Why does one have to equal the other? And even if I’m not ‘over it,’ (ever hear of PTSD?), why should that affect a stranger, a man who knows nothing of me personally except for this snippet I shared on social media?

I’m curious why there is this dismissive minimizing of survivor’s pain. What does that mean in the scope of our humanity? 

This has occurred with SO many men on the daily on my social media (and to so many other women), I could make this section pages long. I imagine it’s because I’m not afraid to discuss sexism, or feminism (that scary advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men — gasp!), or racism…as my friend Naomi says, maybe it’s the red hair. Or things like poppers (here – check this out). I don’t know.

I do know this: It’s a dangerous dance between fragility and strength many survivors balance daily. Compassion keeps us upright. That’s all I wish for anyone.

(I do feel the need to address the good men out there — there are many good men like many of you reading this, and I acknowledge that not all men, that most men are not like this. This article isn’t about you, the good men. I know you respect women and wouldn’t say these things. I have good men in my life, too, who are just as horrified at these comments. I feel you and thank you for being the honorable humans you are.)

Where does this derisive marginalization come from? Why do some men feel they are better than women, particularly in light of the fact that they were all birthed by woman?…but that’s so Freudian I’m afraid we’re getting into cigar territory here.

MANSPLAINING

Most people have heard this term but aren’t quite sure where it came from. I happened upon a wonderful article by Rebecca Solnit, feminist author and brilliant human, in Guernica Magazine — a thought-provoking piece she wrote back in 2008 titled, ‘Men Explain Things To Me,’ updated in 2012. I shared this piece on my Facebook wall and was promptly mansplained by a fellow named L, who took this article personally, apparently, explaining *cough cough* what is wrong with the piece and with Solnit’s sharing of her experiences.

L: My problem with blogs like this, and with the invention of new words like ‘Mansplaining’ , ‘Manterrupting’ and ‘Bropriation’ is that there is a huge logical gap between encountering arrogant males, and the concept of ‘male arrogance.’ Everybody (not just women) have to deal with arrogant males, interruption by males, and appropriation of ideas by males. But guess what — everybody (not just women) also have to deal with arrogant females, interruption by females, and appropriation of ideas by females. You can’t tarbrush the entire genus based on the actions of some members of the genus.

Me: Solnit has every right to share her experiences, and does an admirable job of saying that it’s ‘some men,’ not all men. What I see lacking here from most men who respond to this article (and the reaction, save one, has been defensive) is a distinct lack of empathy for what many women experience on the daily. This DOES happen and it DOES suck. Why is that so difficult for men to accept? Not all men do this, I agree. It’s not a competition. Yes, jerks exists in both genders. That’s not the point of her article.

He further explained: I am not dismissing Rebecca‘s experiences. I am pushing back against the invention of a new Lexicon that attempts to describe this behavior as an attribute of male-ness. That’s unfair to the entire genus, the majority of which would not behave this way.

I hope that’s clearer now?

Me: Did you just Mansplain, L? #irony 

Here are some great articles to read if you’re L, or any guy who needs to understand that maybe, just maybe, we females don’t think that every guy is sexist (though when trying to prove you’re not a sexist human, mansplaining what mansplaining is or is not to a woman might not be the best place to start — ya know, for future reference):

8 Things Some Asshole Says in Every Debate About Sexism via Cracked by Luke McKinney
Getting Called Out: Why Acknowledging Oppression Matters More Than Your Hurt Feelings by Erin Tatum

QUOTES BY FEMALES

I shared this quote just last week by Indra Nooyi, the female CEO of Pepsi:

indra nooyi pepsi CEO

and it was shared over 50 times. On one of those shares, D, a male friend of a friend, called out her quote as ‘stupid,’ because it was:

D: Too optimistic. But I can get behind, “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity”, though (Hanlon’s razor).

I suggested that perhaps he should consider the source, given her success.

D: Nope. My viewpoint on ideas doesn’t change based on their source.

Okay, then.

  • I shared this quote by Ayn Rand: “The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.” and five men scoffed with ad hominem attacks on her personal life, and her looks.
  • Coco Chanel (liar and ugly),
  • Anne Sexton (boring),
  • Sylvia Plath (spoiled rich girl — which isn’t even true, but whatever)…it goes on.

Nine out of ten times I post a quote by a female writer, guys comment (usually, with false information or assumptions) on the writer’s looks or personal life. Point is, I don’t remember needing male permission to post quotes by female authors and poets.

Oh right, I don’t.

My Own Quotes

If you know anything about social media, you may know that visuals get a lot more shares and retweets (okay, 94% more) than non-visuals. I usually Pablo by Buffer which is super easy: I love it because in thirty seconds, you can take a quote, add it to a royalty-free pic they provide or that you upload yourself, even add a book cover or logo, and violá! Instant graphic.

So, I shared a snippet from a meme I created: #WriteWhatScaresYou — I coach writers on this as well — and a fellow I’ve never interacted with before says:badredheadmedia.com, rachelintheOC, sexism

J: It’s odd to quote and meme yourself. #justsayin 

Me: Well, considering that this is for my business, not so odd. I coach authors to write what scares them. Thank you for your input. 

J: You’re not understanding me. I don’t like it. I don’t think it’s a good thing. You shouldn’t do it. 

Well, since he doesn’t like it or approve, that’s all that matters, right? At this point, a girlfriend saw this public conversation and spoke up.

Her: Do you know that Rachel is a Huffington Post blogger and writes marketing articles for authors? That she is well-respected and a best selling author? She also created one of the most popular memes on Twitter, #MondayBlogs. It’s like telling Picasso how to draw, dude. 

J: Huh? 

Her: My point exactly. 

(It’s lovely having friends who have your back and make you feel fancy.)

Another example:

I received a message the other night from a right-wing conservative republican Christian (according to his bio) male:

Him: You’re gorgeous!!!!

Me: I’m here to advocate for sex abuse survivors and as a professional author, share my work.

Him: A thank you would suffice. Geez, girly, can’t you take a fuckin’ compliment? Fuckin’ feminists. 

Sigh.

SEX ABUSE CHAT

So many inappropriate comments from people who ignore the hashtag, don’t know that a chat is a chat, or throw in their two cents completely off topic, etc. The most egregious are the men who demand that the chat be private, because discussing abuse on a public forum is “embarrassing” or “inappropriate,” as if survivors have done something wrong. (Don’t even get me started on the man, a professor, who told me American women should ‘stop whining and be thankful for ‘a little bit of rape’ that happens on college campuses, because that’s nothing compared to what happens in the Middle East or Africa.’ I know.)

The entire point of having a public Twitter chat is to remove the shame and stigma associated with childhood sexual abuse! CSA knows no boundaries, and it occurs, sadly, to both genders (1 in 4 girls, 1 in 6 boys before the age of 18, and 90% know their abuser — Source, RAINN.org).

We need to recognize that the need to explain ourselves is closely related to our desire for approval ~ Bobbi Parish

Gosh, that explains so much, doesn’t it?

POSITIVITY

My goal, in sharing many of my quotes and articles, is to show that while trauma sucks, recovery doesn’t. It’s a beautiful, positive way to help others while helping myself, to show those who are struggling there is a light. I receive so many wonderful messages from both genders that my words have helped them in so many ways, and that warms my heart. It’s been the most surprising and heartwarming part of this strange trip.

Just last night, in fact, as I was about to fall asleep, my phone buzzed. It was a DM from a lady who read my above quote about compassion. She thanked me for sharing that little bit of consciousness, because she was ‘having a wobble, and your quote set me back on the straight path. Your words matter.’ I cried a little bit at that.

Makes up for all the shit, doesn’t it?

For every person who slams me down, I thank them in my heart, sincerely, because they reaffirm that I am on the right path, because even a negative reaction is creating an emotional response.

It’s like getting a 1-star review: at least they are taking the time to read and respond, and that’s a win. But even I have boundaries. I’ve blocked a few of the above guys who’ve become abusive, or show their colors right from the start.

Nobody deserves that.

I want your examples, thoughts, opinions, darts, whatever below! And thanks for reading.

 

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Comments

  1. We’ve shared so many of these experiences together, strength in numbers! I’ve so many examples within the last year of men questioning my authority anytime the issue of rape/sexual assault comes up — “This would be insulting to a real rape victim…” until I let them know I am “a real rape victim” and then the dialogue turns to “you are not a mental health professional”. Dismissing contributions to any conversation due to lack of personal experience and then lack of education and then it becomes one of the hashtag #socialjusticewarrior — anything to strip away any sort of value.

    Men are so appalled and offended when they are called out on their behavior that their passive aggression becomes oppressive like the smell of Axe cologne in junior high.

    Reply

    • Thank you, my friend, for having my back with so many of these situations. I honestly believe people wouldn’t believe these examples to be true if I didn’t have you there to witness so many of them, and as you say, this is such a tiny sliver of what we and so many other woman experience.

      That someone would question your authority on your own rape experience is galling, but not surprising. I’m often asked (typically in a challenging manner, by men) about my qualifications to discuss sexual abuse, though I’ve made it quite clear that I’m a memoirist, and my goal isn’t to give advice or treat people. This sort of challenge — I don’t understand it at all. Who has the right to decide what we — as survivors, as women — can or cannot discuss?

      Clearly, there is more to write about and be done. Thank you, C, for your input and insights.

      Reply

    • Nothing really surprises me anymore. When I wrote my second book, The Mancode: Exposed (which is clearly satire), I received hate mail from men who took it literally. Some of the 1-star reviews are so filled with vitriol for me as a person — nothing to do with the writing, whatsoever. I learned then that having a voice and using it in any way that challenged masculinity or male ego hit a nerve, which was GREAT!

      Thank you for reading and commenting, Melissa!

      Reply

  3. First, thanks so much for writing this, both for the other women who are subject to this kind of behavior and for men–those who act this way and those who don’t–to remind us of how pervasive sexism remains. Second, I thought you were generous to include your comments about the “good men,” but as someone who (I hope) falls into that category I know that even the good guys aren’t perfect, so we need to remember to look ourselves too.
    My own belief about this behavior is that there’s something toxic in the general concept of masculinity that discourages too many men from facing their own sadness, vulnerability, and trauma. And they keep it at bay not only by denying and pushing away the pain of others (Get over it), but by trying to limit their vulnerability by keeping someone lower on the heap than they are. And in this toxic masculinity, the natural candidate for someone to keep down is women. I find it both sad (for the men so detached from themselves) and maddening (for the women who are the objects of these men’s problems). It makes me kind of crazy, but also reaffirms my desire to women–and men–who tell the truth because they have bolstered my desire to be my true self and because without their voices all our lives are poorer. Again, thanks so much.

    Reply

    • Thank you, M.A. for your thoughtful response and for explaining the ‘good men’ male perspective. I can’t get into the male brain, though I certainly discuss these issues often with the males in my life. Their responses run the gamut from ‘most men are idiots’ to ‘every guy just wants to get laid, so it’s all a play’ to ‘the male ego is fragile and can’t handle smart women’ to gosh, Freudian and Jungian and other ‘ian’ type answers I mostly can’t keep up with.

      Ultimately, my go-to answer is much more simple: as humans, regardless of gender, we need kindness and compassion. No one of us is better than another despite wealth or health or attractiveness or brains. We all bleed red, and our hearts break. Not to sound cliche — but truly, if we could embrace these simple concepts and treat each other with dignity and respect, sexism would cease to exist. Idealistic, I know. But there it is.

      Reply

  4. Being a child of the 70’s I watched women march for equality attempting to get the ERA passed. How is it possible that in my lifetime, we had to even consider passing actual laws to PROVE the two genders should have equal rights? And perhaps more disturbingly, it never passed. Most of the reasons against the ERA are now being trotted out as the reasons against gay marriage. But I digress. What will my daughter remember from her childhood about the difference between men and women? Well, when it comes to the workforce, probably nothing, as both her father and I work very hard. But, we can’t help her when it comes to the more subtle gender bias. We can’t explain to her why she will have to think about the length of her skirts/shorts/shirts so that “boys” won’t think about them as much. Not fair. Nope, not even a little. But this is the world we still live in. So, we will teach her – teach her to be cautious – teach her to defend herself – teach her how to block people on social media who don’t see their own words for what they are. I wonder how often those men are fathers to daughters? How they would feel if someone said what they said, to their baby? Oh well, I will never know. Because they will be blocked without my bothering to ask them. They don’t deserve to know people like Rachel and I anyway 🙂

    Reply

    • Thanks for reading and commenting, K. Gender bias permeates at such a young age — that’s so true. I speak with my kids about this often (daughter age 16, son age 9). I wonder, like you, if these men would say the same awful things to their wives, sisters, mothers, daughters, etc. They would insist to you and I that yes, they would. But no way, they wouldn’t. They’d never have the balls.

      It’s easy to say awful things anonymously (or with one’s name but hiding behind an avatar). I’d be shocked if these guys would say anything remotely close to these comments in a live setting. Doubtful.

      Reply

  5. There’s so much to love about this post — your honesty, bravery and poignant points being the biggies. I can relate to brash comments coming almost solely from men, such as the one who told me I was “ruining women for men” by promoting sexual empowerment…and another who said, “You don’t love yourself,” as though he knows me, for sharing tips on improving body image. Most comments I receive (well, on my blog) are respectful, from all genders. But the those hurtful ones tend to stand out. The great guys get that. They cheer us on. They don’t become defensive and bite back as though under attack.

    I adore the quotes and memes you share, including those featuring you. One reason far fewer women are published, IMO, is because writing is considered a hobby for us. We’re seen as foolish, over-emotional or zany “artist types.” Your response about meming yourself was spot-on. You’re a business and a brand and a brilliant, caring human. Thanks for your voice!

    Reply

  6. It amazes me how people who have absolutely nothing to do with a person or situation can feel entitled to tell you how wrong you are, as if their opinion comes from on high. While I’ve dealt with this, it’s been minimal, even when I discuss religion, equal rights and racism; I’m guessing my penis gives me a pass those without the blessed appendage aren’t afforded, even when they are fucking experts about the topics they discuss.

    I wonder, are these assholes older generations, younger or a clusterfuck mix? If they’re older, maybe they’re just beyond the point of accepting the simple fact that a woman has just as much right to speak as they do? If not, I have no ideas on the subject and think *they* should try just shutting the fuck up. What you do is important and has help people so why they feel the need to try and knock you down is is nothing but insane.

    As for that professor (of stupidity) and his “stop whining and be thankful for ‘a little bit of rape’” bullshit, he can play in traffic. If he doesn’t want to hear about what happens, he can go bury his head in the sand – as the Dalai Lama said, “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” It’s hard enough for sexual abuse survivor to, y’know, *survive* without dumbasses saying dumbass shit. I now like him less than Ayn Rand (though at least her quote wasn’t dickish).

    Reply

  8. thank you rachel for your insights and courage in sharing your life with us. i think that maybe some people react by telling you to ‘get over it’ is because the situation is so foreign to them that they can’t/won’t understand. or maybe because it hits too close to home and makes them uncomfortable and so they react defensively and negatively. people often attack when they are afraid. sharing about common experiences is one way to expose a common and unfortunate abuse of trust…rape/sexual abuse. it is often healing and lets other victims know that they aren’t alone and they can get help/love/support from others who know/understand what they are going through. that’s all i have to say…lecture over. thank you rachel. 🙂

    Reply

  9. I think you maintain your composure quite well and so what if there’s a bit of defensiveness. As I begin to live more openly about CSA, I too, am encountering a wide array of comments, ranging from mildly ignorant to downright cruel. In fact, today, I went medieval on my blog which leaves you looking classy and elegant next to my nasty smack talk. Thanks for all you do and for “getting it”.

    Reply

    • Thanks so much, Little L. You made me laugh with the medieval comment, but I do so GET IT. The ignorance and off the cuff remarks can be cruel, but as Don Miguél Ruiz states in The Four Agreements, take nothing personally — almost IMPOSSIBLE to do in some cases but my goodness, it’s so helpful with all this crap.

      That’s why I compare some of these doofus guys and commenters to receiving 1-star reviews — we can let it get under our skin, or we can take it as a win for the emotional response and keep moving forward. Sending you love.

      Reply

  10. Thank you, Rachel, for standing up for all of those who are not yet strong enough to stand on their own, for lending a helping hand to those who are ready to rise above injustices done to them, and to stand with and for those who take a stand against CSA. Your words are strong with compassion and understanding. But they are also strong with intolerance of intolerance and abuse. I think it must be the red hair! Brilliant!

    Reply

  11. Who has a go at someone trying to help people recover from childhood abuse? If you don’t want to be involved in a conversation then pass it by, there’s no call to butt in telling people it’s ‘inappropriate’. Honestly, the gall of some folk.

    Gareth

    Reply

    • Apparently, lots of people. In my experience, mostly men. I don’t understand the psychology of it. Not at all.

      Still, the percentage of men who act this way is very small. Maybe someday they’ll learn. Who knows? Maybe they’ll learn from you, my witty, sweet friend. xx

      Reply

  12. I 100% agree that women experience sexism on a daily basis, although I am lucky enough not to experience it on a daily basis. Having had two daughters has made me more aware of how sexism is ingrained in society’s fabric – consider a facepainting stall, where there are pictures of flowers, fairies and the like outlined in pink, and outlined in blue are lions, and tigers, and superheroes. My daughter couldn’t read, but two days later she told me girls couldn’t be superheroes! That took me weeks to undo.

    Most of the examples you have given are grossly inappropriate. One or two might be borderline. Anyone who attacked Ayn Rand on her appearance is grossly out of line – but I don’t like her ideas and her extreme individualism, so there might be valid reasons to critocise her that aren’t based on gender. It comes down to whether she was criticised for relevant or irrelevant points. The guy who didn’t like the Pepsi CEO’s quote could be guilty of nothing more than being an INTJ, rather than sexism – I probably would have said much the same things he did. Nothing to do with the fact the quoter was a woman, but just typical INTJ cynicism and views on stupidity. There are twice as many male INTJs as women, but as critical thinkers they are usually less likely to be guilty of sexism (because it’s illogical) and can actually be persuaded by logical argument. Or then again, maybe he was just a dick…. it’s hard to say.

    Some of the casual sexism that has annoyed me lately:
    -A school uniform policy that allows boys to wear fleecy track-pants, but girls have to wear form-fitting ‘jazz’ pants, which are not as warm; and
    -An employer bringing in a ‘mobile workforce’ policy that requires existing staff (an almost entirely male workforce) to agree to certain conditions if they apply for certain promotion positions internally – one of those being that the employer can move them anywhere in the State at pretty much any time. Because, you know, those men can’t have wives with careers or businesses that tie them to their current location. Women’s plans aren’t important. So far as I know, the policy was also drafted by a man.

    Reply

  13. I wish we could make this article required reading, unfortunately, the people who needed to read it wouldn’t comprehend (they’d make blanket statements that detracted from the discussion). I’m not a victim of CSA, but like most women, I know several women and men who were. I think it’s important that we have this conversation, out loud. The shame isn’t in the discussion, it’s in the coverup.

    I have two children, and I’m very protective, because I know too many people whose lives were altered by one act (and the subsequent hush-hush, “that didn’t happen”). My kids and I have had honest discussions at many stages throughout their lives, depending on their developmental stage. I didn’t want them to be victims of a family member or the parent/sibling at a sleepover or a person of trust. No one should be. We need this conversation as a culture, so the boundaries are clearly identified and the repercussions become a deterrent.

    Reply

  14. Your advocacy is to be admired, your survival revered. The fact that so many men trivialize your work with their silly, sexist comments is offensive. To women and men. Thank you for not being deterred.

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  15. I had the “Just shut up and say thank you” guy show up on my blog. I wrote a post about unwanted attention that I’d been receiving, how it made me uncomfortable, and how I wanted to redirect conversation to my work. Some guy responded that I should just say “thank you” or “respond wittily” (my tag line is “Witty Banter Aficionado”) when someone makes me uncomfortable. I responded wittily all right… 😉

    Actually my first reaction was to wonder if I’d done something wrong. But the more that I stand up for myself and my boundaries, and the more that I don’t see people flocking away from me, the more confident I am in doing it.

    Reply

    • Gosh, that’s so rude. And yes, as women we are ‘trained’ from an early age to take a compliment, even if it’s rude. I just had this conversation with a male friend who has been slapped for opening doors for women or for offering to carry their groceries to their car — poor guy, here’s he’s been taught to be a gentleman, and he’s being treated like a criminal. Where’s the fairness in that?

      So where’s the line? I don’t know. Manners always count, but I think it’s situational. If a man compliments me on my eyes in a business situation, that’s inappropriate and I will tell him so (just happened last week). Same with your situation above, though his ‘shut up’ comment is completely disrespectful. Nobody deserves to be told to shut up, ever. If a man compliments me on my business acumen, great. That’s why I’m helping him. If I’m in a club and he’s chatting me up, then the eye compliment is appropriate (except if he’s a client, then that’s weird).

      It’s sad that we have to point out such things to some men, but there it is. As my guy says, every man has a move, it’s just a matter of when he’s going to use it. I have more faith that MOST men know how to be appropriate — I work with many wonderful men who have never, ever made these kinds of statements to me. In fact, most of my clients are male, and many of my peers, and they’re fabulous human beings. They put their faith in me to do good work for them, and we have developed great business relationships, and in many cases, true friendships which I hold dearly.

      Hold your ground, S. We are businesspeople, and we deserve just as much respect. xx

      Reply

      • If someone asks to carry my groceries while I’m huffing and puffing, you bet your sweet ass I will accept help. But the key is they have to ask, I think. Assuming is where you become an ass. I feel for that guy if he politely asked and got some meanness back. There’s no need for that.

        I also think you hit the nail on the head with situation. If I’m out at a bar and some hot guy is like, “Hey gorgeous, let me buy you a drink,” well hot damn, I sure am thirsty. If the same thing happens at work, depending on the situation, I’m a bit less on board.

        Reply

  16. You nailed this one spot on. Which, maddeningly, probably means you’ll get more garbage tossed your way. Sheesh.

    Seriously though, I’m not feeling nearly coherent enough to add to the conversation this morning except to say Thank You for your voice and commitment. You and your work matter.

    Reply

  17. I had to think about this for a bit before I added my thoughts on the matter.

    I’m a 38 year old woman. I was sexually abused as a child, emotionally and mentally abused in my marriage, and I’ve been raped. So I do empathize.

    I completely agree with everything you had to say about sharing your story. We should. We shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it, or to bury it. And while I tend to think that most people who say “you need to get over it” aren’t trying to be assholes (though some are) they don’t understand what they are saying. They are expressing a feeling many share at one point or another. When someone tells a fat guy to just go exercise, or a black woman to just stop feeling so marginalized, or a poor person to go get a better job… They can’t understand what it’s like to be in that person’s shoes, so they make assumptions. Bad ones, usually. They say things that they think will make the persons life better, but don’t realize how hard it is to do those things.

    And I agree with what you say about rape on campus still being bad even if it’s worse in other countries. And that we shouldn’t feel ashamed for things that were done to us. I honestly agree with most of what you’ve said.

    The one thing in all of this that I did not agree with… “Mansplaining.”

    That seemed, to me, just as offensive as someone telling me my opinion was “women’s logic” and disregarding it. It is just as sexist, just as hurtful as men (or women) disregarding what I have to say because “she’s PMSing.”

    Yes, he was explaining his POV. Yes, he then asked if you understood. He didn’t ask you to agree, or argue, or fight. He never once said anything bad about her sharing her experience. It was all about the word and his offence at it. And you wrote off his point of view because “Mansplaining.”

    Not everyone is going to agree with you. That doesn’t mean they are tredding over your opinions, or trying to stifle you. Just because someone doesn’t agree with an overly (to them) optimistic quote doesn’t make them sexist either. (Though I agree that commenting on looks or pedigree is.)

    I suppose it bothers me that women sometimes accuse men of being sexist while doing the same thing to them and not even realizing it.

    And no, I’m not calling you sexist. No more than he was. I think sometimes men and women just don’t seem to be speaking the same language, as it were, and it causes miscommunications that then get labeled as sexist by the other party. I won’t dine to comment on specific people. But the word “Mansplaining,” is totally sexist.

    Reply

    • Thanks for your feedback, Crissy. I appreciate you sharing your point of view, and as I mention in the article, I appreciate polite discourse where everyone can share their POV. We don’t have to agree, yet if it degenerates to a ‘fight,’ I end the conversation, because at that point there’s no point in continuing.

      In the case I mentioned about Mansplaining, I simply brought it up because of the irony of the situation. Perhaps I didn’t explain it well enough, and for that I apologize. Since Rebecca’s article was about men explaining her own work to her (I’m not sure if you read her piece), and the fella I mentioned was explaining what Rebecca was trying to say, which is the very definition of the term (which he ended with ‘am I being clear?’ or some such thing), I rather enjoyed the irony of the whole exchange.

      I agree that language is sometimes tricky, and having working in a man’s world for 17 years (corporate pharma, calling on mostly male physicians or in the home offce, almost exclusively male executives), I’m well-acquainted with being condescended to by both men and women regularly. As a female author and businessperson, I’m thrilled to be on my own now and only dealing with amazing clients who appreciate the work I do for them — interestingly, most of my clients are male.

      thank you for your insights.

      Reply

      • I suppose I don’t see his comments as “explaining her own work to her,” but explaining himself, and his issues with that type of thinking. Which we all do, in fact your artical is similarly saying what you find inappropriate about certain things that others might find totally normal. This is a normal part of being human.

        Perhaps there was something in the subtleties that made it seem worse. And no, I didn’t read the original, just your quotes. I tend to avoid most posts about feminism or men’s rights in general because, while many are good, and offer some great thoughts (like Emma Watson’s speech at the UN) others tend toward bashing of either those who don’t agree with their ideas, or those who are of the opposite gender. It makes it difficult to have a civil conversation when the other party comes from the point of view that “this group of people is wrong no matter what.” Same goes for discussion of race, religion, money, or beauty pageants. Conversations are far more useful if both parties are trying to understand the others POV instead of coming at it from an “I’m right, your wrong” attitude. They may very well have some valid ideas and points even if their entire argument is flawed. I know I expect my views to change as well also as I learn more.

        I read your post because you, as a person, interest me. That’s why I’ve followed you on twitter, etc. But just because I find you interesting doesn’t mean I’ll agree with everything. Nor do I expect you’ll agree with everything I have to say. The world would be boring if we all agreed with each other about everything.

        Reply

  18. Mansplaining 101:
    1. Injuction: delusional sense of gender superiority results in authoritarian command to cease activity, reconsider propos, etc. Man was not invited to share his reductive opinion, but he approaches the opportunity with a ‘what the fuck, I got balls and a dick’ mindset. Speaking with the kind of brutal eloquance that would make a drunk sailor blush, he barks: ‘I paid you a compliment, you should like that.’

    2. Adult tantrum: Delusional sense of gender superiority met with unsurprising resistance. Author of article answers assertively: ‘Thanks but no thanks, I don’t need your approval to be this hot’.

    Ball-shrinking man virulantly expresses his disagreement with the outrageously unexpected response. Although he does not quite shit in his pants, he whines that his authoritative injuction ought not to be dismissed so readily. To get his point smoothly accross he acts like a dick caught in a zipper and restorts to a well-practiced adult tantrum: ‘Geez cunt, you should be glad I paid you a compliment.’

    3. Litany of insults: Tantrum prone dickwit closes the one-way discussion as if he’d won a nationally televised cock fight. ‘Fucking Femnist!’ Then he leaves the scene with a glorious sense of gender superiority. Later that day, he mansplain the altercation to a clan of sympathizing douchebag, who grunt their approval and make the unspoken promise to be dicks as long as chicks are around.

    Reply

    • Hi Michel and welcome to my blog! Thank you for your hilarious commentary — I’m pretty sure I guffawed in a most unladylike manner.

      I’m especially proud of your response, coming from a man. I still have a difficult time understanding why so many guys are offended by this topic — when I read about horrible things women do, I don’t take it personally as a women. What’s the difference? If a man feels all women suck because of the behavior of a few, that’s his right to believe that. I don’t have to feel personally offended by his opinion. Why do some men feel that way in the reverse situation?

      Your explanation sums it up so well. Thank you for the insight and the chuckle.

      Reply

      • To borrow wisdom from my adolescent patients these days, unlike most men, I’m much more comfortable with a self-concept that is gender fluid on all fronts. I do not resist gender and its constructs anymore than I resist being 45 or being French. I accept that social constructs have someonewhat helped me be me, I like to be a sensible dude, I like to be intelligent, I like to be French, I sorta like been 45, I like to be witty.

        That being said, I am mindful to avoid any endorsement in behaviors and thoughts of the ungraceful and ungrateful features that come with these constructs. I don’t think with my dick, I like to engage the upper part of my brain with respect to those who can’t, I drink Italian wines even though I know French wines are vastly superior, I don’t envy the young, and I don’t mock the old or ridicule the witless.

        I do not doesn’t make other powerless on the narrow possibility that it is the shit to be a tall, dark, handsome French-man with a fully functioning brain. Pourquoi pas, you may ask? Because I’ve learn through personal exposure that vulnerability is hurtful, confusing, and dehumanizing, and that I must never do onto others what pushed me on the brink of insanity and death–until I got the cojones to seek therapy.

        Many men in this and other countries are brought up to accept and broadcast a narrow definition of their genderness. A power-hungry, power-angry, vulnerability adverse definition. It never occurs to them that this prickly definition is injurious to others both in concept and in practice. It never occurs to them that as they avoid vulnerability for themselves, they achieve that goal by rendering others vulnerable.

        Most men who finally come to my therapy practice after years of dick-like-behaviors, do so when they’ve lost their ability to make others powerless, and when they heard the high-pitched shrill of abandonment, the most ego-shattering revelation that they are not (hu)man without (respect for our) vulnerabilities. Being finally ignored through absence, separation, divorce is what makes these men experience vulnerability. Being abandoned shatters their reasons to be dicks–unless they are sociopath or Axis II candidates.

        One cannot live as a perpetrator, when victims have found the strenght and suport to run and stay away. When no one is validating injurious behaviors, the perpetrator is forced to realize that his actions are deeply damaging and an absurd act. So the men I see in therapy are often ready to change their dick-ways and adopt a healthier sense of gender-self because they don’t know healthy ways to cope with the existential threat and painful reality of vulnerabilty through abandonent.

        As you’ve described brilliantly in this article, men with a narrow sense of gender-self know only one way to counter the threat of vulnerability: adult tantrums. The vicious problem with throwing hissy fits everytime one feels the threat of vulnerability (being ignored, dismissed, abandonned: facing an assertive woman like you) is that attempts to re-victimize will inevitably lead to further dismissal, abandonment, and vulnerability. Men with a narrow definition of gender-self would be a lot less tantrum prone and a lot less at risk of self-inflicted and well-deserved vulnerabilty if they followed this simple maxim: ‘if you don’t want to die a vulnerable and lonely dick, don’t be a tantrum throwing dick in the first place.’ Being exposed to assertive individuals like you Rachel is really the best cure for the problem that plagues these men: they are proud to be dicks. And that’s why we can’t ever give a shit about their reductive opinions.

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  19. The truly remarkable thing about those guys’ responses is how very well they illustrate the points being made. Some, perhaps, are lucky enough to see what is in the mirror you hold up. One way or another, the core issue always comes down to control, real or illusory. And, on the internet, control of anybody is very much an illusion. Thinking about the guy who told you you are gorgeous, I remember there are such things a Photo-shop and in the digital realm there is never a guarantee that what we see is real (not that I don’t trust you to post real pics). He was responding to something that could have been a complete illusion, unless he was trying to say you have beautiful mind (you do), but I don’t think he was. Do they still make those t-shirts and bumper stickers that said, “I <3 Uppity Women"? Anyway, Thanks for all you do.

    Reply

    • Hi Robert and thank you for reading and your kind comments. I do find humor in the comments as well — in trying to prove me wrong, these guys simply make my case for me, which gives me less work to do! It’s quite generous of them LOL.

      As for the photos, I agree — how do we know who or what is real? When I met my love in real life (after speaking online and phone for several months), he told me he was so relieved to see that I was REAL — not some hairy guy with moobs (man boobs) — ha! But that is the fear, isn’t it? How do we really know? Trust is so easily manipulated, sadly. Not sure about the bumper stickers but it wouldn’t surprise me — nothing surprises me anymore, sadly.

      xx

      Reply

  20. I almost wish I had read this before making comment to an author I highly respect that included a “You’re gorgeous” or something like that. Lucky for me, she gently helped me see how I had objectified her and placed value on her that had nothing to do with her work. I definitely learned from my mistake, and I’m grateful for the experience. The fact that so many people are incapable of owning up to their negative impacts and learn from their mistakes really disheartens me sometimes.

    Thank you so much for sharing your brilliance with the world and for being a real, humble human being. I’m a 40-something man, but I want to be like Rachel Thompson when I grow up.

    Reply

    • 🙂 Thank you, Drew. You are too kind. I love how open you are to discussion about these topics — polite discourse is absolutely the way to move the conversation forward.

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  21. Lovely work! I was enthralled with you experience and analysis the entire way through this article…

    One of the books I taught in English 1A the past few semesters was Solinit’s Men Explain Things to Me. Most of the students gravitated to that book. Talking with my students we teased out the idea that men may object to the book (based off the title alone) because it automatically puts them on the defense. Mansplaining is real. Not all men do it of course, but they can, just based off of their born right to male entitlement in our culture. It may take a few readings and lessons in gender theory and feminism (a trigger word for some) to see the connections but for those of us who have been observant, and have done the readings it’s crystal clear.

    I wonder as well if people don’t want to hear about CSA because it makes them feel uncomfortable. Child rape, a well documented reality, is tough to swallow. A part of why it has occurred to so many for so long is that no one wants to acknowledge it. The emotions that come with CSA are hard to deal with as well. Grief, shame that take decades to heal… It’s beyond the scope of what some people can handle so they just don’t want it to exist. Maybe? Mass denial is perpetuating rape culture…

    Keep on writing the good fight, sister! I’ll keep reading! 🙂

    Reply

    • Thank you, Lori! Solnit is brilliant — I love that you’re bringing her writing to your students. Perhaps if more young people are aware of the phenomenon, they won’t grow up to feel entitled and end up mansplaining and bropriating as a way to get their points across. In fact, just yesterday I was called ‘delusional’ simply for sharing this article!

      As for writing about and sharing CSA, you’re so right. Anything sexual is a hot button topic for non-survivors — people don’t want to believe that such an intimate invasion could be real because they can’t imagine being in that situation themselves ergo, it can’t have happened. We look at life through our own perception goggles, and if we haven’t experienced, it can’t be real. Mass denial, indeed. Long way to go, sister.

      Reply

  22. It’s hard to be a woman period. But it’s even harder to be a woman on the Internet. Not to mention, I find that in general people never give you the benefit of the doubt. In that sense I absolutely agree with the quote in the image above. For instance, if you know me in real life and I post something on Facebook that makes you think maybe I had some sort of sexist intent, but obviously I’m very liberal in general and in fact have a blog devoted to the issue of sexism, maybe you shouldn’t jump to conclusions about my intent. On the other hand, if someone is an asshole in general then fuck them.

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  23. So much here is so clever that I am somewhat nervous even of contributing. However..It seems to me that in societies which have in the past embraced the Abrahamic religions, and probably in most if not all other societies, there is an endemic problem with regard to self-esteem. Unless we’re one of those weirdly arrogant types, perhaps we inevitably feel small, insignificant and vulnerable in a world which is so vast, and in a world relatively recently discovered to be little more than a speck of dust in the great void of space. Perceiving ourselves impotent, we seek power. Perceiving ourselves small and insignificant we seek to enlarge ourselves, to elevate ourselves. Somehow easily diminished by the words and actions of others, we seek to elevate ourselves by convincing ourselves that we are ‘better than’ and therefore superior to others of our kind. We engage in it in the endless aspiration to material wealth, in deciding that we are of the ‘True Faith’ and therefore superior to those of inferior faiths or no faith, we do it by aligning ourselves with superior groups, by supporting a particular soccer club or football team, making us superior because our team meets with frequent success and accolades or because, if they don’t, we show fortitude in remaining faithful to them. And it seems to take but a hint – though we always get more than a hint – that someone else is inferior, by the colour of their skin, by the religion that they follow, by their lack of wealth and, of course, by their gender, and many of us will pick up upon it. If I’m correct, the world is full of vulnerable people who seek to cope with their vulnerability – not always recognizing even that they are vulnerable themselves – by picking on those they consider vulnerable. I have little to do with men. I do not write for men. Far too many men have proven themselves to me to have the feebleness that results in their needing to put others down or to boost themselves with claims which are only significant to them – the bigger car, the bigger house, the better job, the sexier girlfriend, the widest range of technological gadgets. Nothing in these speak to their qualities as human beings, to the things that matter. So trivial men put down women – and others – whenever they perceive an opportunity, and you, Rachel, catch them at it. It is very sad, I think. And I do not entirely exclude myself from their foolish ranks. I learn, fortunately, all the time, and as someone who believes totally in the equality of human kind, be they male or female, straight, gay or other, I hope I have avoided the worst pitfalls. Thank you, as always, for the article. A riveting and thought-provoking read.

    Reply

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