Stop Worrying What Others Think And Write Your Damn Story via @RachelintheOC

Rachel Thompson

Author • Poet • Advocate

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Stop Worrying What Others Think And Write Your Damn Story

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Rachel Thompson, RachelintheOC, Write What Scares You

‘How do you share intensely personal stories without worrying about what people will think?’ someone asked me in the comments of the article I wrote recently for SheWrites. I get asked this a lot, and I think it’s jumping ahead a step.

Back up to first getting there: you have to give yourself permission to write the hard stuff. You can’t think about, ‘What will mama say?’ because last I checked, none of us wants to become our mothers (no offense to moms). Write for you, not what someone else will say. You need to give yourself some tough love!

You are allowed to tell your story, unless for some reason, you’ve been ordered by a court of law not to, or if you fear for your life. Even then, I believe it’s okay to fictionalize your story, or take a pen name, but I’m not in that situation so I can’t share that particular experience. If sharing your story will put your life or someone else’s at risk, definitely weigh your options and consider a pseudonym.

Let’s deconstruct.

Permission To Write 

One hurdle many authors have to get over is worrying about what their family will think. Every family is quite different, but most are so busy with daily life, the fact that there’s a writer in the family means little. I always laugh when I read reviews that say ‘the author must have gotten her family members to write glowing reviews,’ because — as most authors will attest — our families could give a flying sack of rat crap about what we do or don’t do. Few read our work. Even fewer review it. Mostly, they just want to know: are you on the New York Times Bestseller list yet? (No.) So, how about them Yankees? (*crickets*)….

Writing a book (or a blog or articles) is very lonely, individual work, which is why most writers love it so much, given our introverted nature (for some, not all, obviously). The positive aspect of this is that there’s nobody standing over our shoulder saying, ‘Oh my god! You can’t write THAT!!!’ Right? So get over yourself. Write anything you want. Fiction, nonfiction, whatever it is — get out of your own way.

In fact, try just for fun, to write the exact opposite of who you are. I have one client who’s an Ivy League MBA in a large accounting firm who writes erotica under a pen name and he’s doing very well.

Writing Our Books 

As I discovered through my own process of writing about difficult topics in Broken Pieces and Broken Places, it’s hard to let all that crap go. What will so and so say/think/feel? But you know what? It’s our story to tell, nobody else’s. I decided to share stories of my childhood sexual abuse in a way that isn’t a trigger (I hope) for other survivors, but that makes people uncomfortable, because there’s no way to sugarcoat the subject. And I didn’t want to.

If my book isn’t for you, don’t read it. I give plenty of warning that it’s not unicorns and rainbows. You owe it to yourself to write your story. Nobody else. YOU.

Once you’ve written your ‘word vomit’ as I refer to it, get it in good enough shape to work with a professional editor. Nobody — no author, no matter how good you think you are — is ready to release a book without a full edit by a pro.

Rachel Thompson, SheWrites.com, RachelintheOC

Articles and Excerpts 

Leading up to the publication of your book, I suggest you reach out to readers (always, every day, constantly), reviewers, book bloggers, and other writers or publications who are interested in reading about the topic you are writing about. I do many guest posts and interviews, because I reach out to people and connect with them. I feature many authors here on this blog who share incredibly stirring stories of real life. That’s what fascinates me, and it gives them a chance to discuss difficult topics they may not be able to write about on their own blogs.

As for my business side, I draw from my eighteen-plus years of sales and marketing, plus all I’ve learned since I began writing professionally in 2007, and put that into articles that can hopefully help others or answer some  questions, as well as drawing on experts.

Bottom line: you want people to read your work, so stop hiding from yourself. Once you clear that hurdle, write your damn book already.

 

Interested in learning more about my services or books? Click here. Purchase Broken Pieces or Broken Places on Amazon. Learn more about the Gravity Imprint (amazing stories of trauma and recovery) I direct for Booktrope and all the amazing authors. Broken Places, Rachel Thompson, Amazon, Memoir, Sexual Abuse
photos courtesy of Unsplash.com

Comments

  1. If you’ve read some of the crap I’ve written on my blog you know I don’t give a flying fig about what I say, but then again I am not a writer of non fiction or heartbreaking personal issues or even a writer of non fiction but then Ishbel says I should be the latter as I don’t have tell a good story to her when trying to get out of her bad books…..

    But, I have to say, with now having been giving a finite amount of time ( but with no definite best before date) to be around in this mortal coil, I have been giving a bit of thought to what I should write, if anything, and how to say it without offending or reducing to tears those who I will be leaving behind, it’s a quandary,

    Ah well, maybe I’ll just keep posting the same old …….

    Reply

    • I understand, I do. It’s tough to follow our muse versus not hurting anyone. But I’m not sure it has to be either/or.

      A pen name is certainly an option — it requires more work to create a persona and brand around it, but if it’s worth it not to hurt those you love, might be a good option.

      I frequently find that once we start writing, there is a level of interest and even forgiveness — usually our anticipation of the event is more than the event itself, ya know? But obviously, luv, do what’s right for you.

      Hugs…

      Reply

      • Such a great point, Rebecca. I get many people asking that question and I have to say, once you’re in this mindset, you become fearless. You realize the world doesn’t stop, people still go about their lives, and we have more to say.

        It’s very freeing.

        Reply

    • I so appreciate what you have created out of your pain. I admire and value your writing.
      I waited until my abusers all died before I dared to write my story. It was cathartic to write it but gut-wrenching as well. It’s now with a book-on-demand publisher intended primarily for my children and close friends in hopes that I can give some context to all those years of suicide attempts and hospital stays. I came by my pain with reason. I haven’t decided whether or not to work toward traditional publishing. Ironically, my career has been that of Counselor and Group facilitator. Walking wounded.

      Reply

  2. As always, a great and helpful post. Having spent most of my adult years in therapy, I finally learned to stop worrying about what other people think. That being said, once I began to write/blog and share on the internet hmm, different story. Recently I’ve discovered the less I censor myself, the better my writing but as you said, that means giving yourself permission to just go. I don’t share my stories with an agenda or intent to harm others, however, we can’t change our truth and that isn’t always pretty. I recently shared an excerpt from my wip with my mother and her reply, “You can’t write that!” *Sigh* I’m still writing so thank you for this. 🙂

    Reply

    • You’re welcome. And while it’s sometimes hard for our parents to accept that we are adults, we are still adults. That means we don’t need their, or anyone else’s permission. Sure, we’re still our parents’ children, but guess what? We’ve grown up past the point of needing to ask them if it’s okay to do stuff, whatever that stuff may be.

      Lots of people disagree with me on this — saying it’s disrespectful. And while I can sympathize, I feel that point of view is too narrow. When someone has experienced our highs and lows, then maybe they can have a say. Otherwise, step off.

      hugs, girl.

      Reply

      • Sure, I understand that. You may be surprised to learn that they probably read it anyway (I could be totally wrong LOL), but I know my family is far more interested in my blog posts and FB updates than they are about my books. It’s an interesting phenomenon…maybe because blogs are IN THE MOMENT and are a quick read, whereas a book takes time and commitment and everyone is so busy. Who knows?

        Good for you, Kat! It’s a huge leap to share our stories because we truly connect with others in need of a voice and that makes it worth it.

        xx

        Reply

  3. The scariest, bravest, and most healing thing I could was to write about my divorce, down to the relationship details I never told anyone. Once I started, the floodgates opened. And it’s been wonderful.

    Reply

  4. This post is great, but not even a pseudonym or fictionalizing could help me hide my identity. But, still, I write. And reveal a little more as I continue.

    Love,
    Janie

    Reply

  5. The essays of Nancy Mairs really drew me to her frank self-disclosure style of writing. Yet, even with no longer being in the classroom and the need to worry about coming across as a “professional” I still hesitate at times to tell certain aspects of my life like I want to tell them. Then I remind myself I’m just stupid for worrying. Anyhoo, here’s to hoping I end up addressing my religion (or lack thereof) when I am ready to publish some travel memoirs.

    Reply

    • HI Jeri! Thanks for reading and commenting.

      I’ll check her out. I love any kind of memoir or essays that address real-life struggles — far more interesting to me than fiction (not that I don’t enjoy great fiction). For me, the trick telling a story in a lyrical narrative that touches on the topic but doesn’t read like a report. And avoiding cliches — not a fan.

      Religion can be sticky only because it’s such a polarizing topic, so haters comes with the territory — but that’s the case with any author, right? People sit in judgement of our work and that’s our due for putting it out there. It’s how we handle it that shows our mettle as writers.

      You’ll be ready when you’re ready. 🙂

      Reply

  6. Another excellent post from you, but this one hit close to home for me. I have played around with the idea of writing a fictional account of hoarding for quite some time. For years, that was the environment that I grew up in, so I know a thing or two about it. What gave me pause is that I was afraid of what my mother would think if she found out, because she was the culprit.

    My parents wouldn’t read my blog (they don’t have the internet) nor do they know that I’m a self-published author. At least I haven’t told them. Let’s say that we aren’t exactly close anymore. But still a part of me is worried about being a good daughter.

    Your post has inspired me to give that idea another shot. Thanks for being brave; maybe some of that will rub off on me.

    Reply

    • Thanks for sharing your story, Alicia. It’s hard to be in that situation, but I have to tell you: people are interested and fascinated by the circumstances (like yours) that you survived. Not in an exploitive way — more in a bonding, baring truth way, if that makes sense.

      As they say in therapy, the ‘tapes are always running.’ meaning, we are still our parents’ children, no matter our age. That’s how they see us, even though we may be accomplished at something, have families and responsibilities. Conversely, it’s how WE see ourselves that is the key factor to being brave and sharing our stories.

      You will get there. I know it. Hugs!

      Reply

  7. Love this blog post~* The need to stop worrying and write is truly relevant to writers in general, timely to me personally, plus really inspiring and useful. So often the vulnerable part of oneself, the Inner Child(ren), are terrified of pain (experiencing it–whether in the form or judgement or anger from others, or otherwise–or doing something that “causes it” meaning upsetting other people/family). Story is the way we heal, individually and in community, and there is much more to glorious life than rainbows and unicorns… as much as I love them. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply

    • Thank you for reading! I think any writer has experienced this at some point. We don’t knowingly want to hurt anyone. But, as Joan Didion says, ‘writers are always selling somebody out.’ Sometimes that somebody is ourselves, to a certain extent. I don’t mean that in a negative way, rather it’s about accepting that we are going from private to public, and that requires a certain amount of courage.

      Hope that makes sense.

      Reply

      • That makes perfect sense. My own way of saying that is that everything in life has an admission price. The cost of the admission ticket for radically honest creative expression and vulnerability as a writer, as an artist, may involve alienating, angering, or “selling somebody out,” in Didion’s words. Yes, it is partly going being courageous in “accepting that we are going from public to private,” and also about growing up in consciousness. Knowing where one ends and another (whether family member, critic, blogger, or anyone with the potential to judge) begins. Stories have the power to heal and transform the community, if we are but mature (courageous and psychically healthy, a strong and healthy animus for female writers) enough to write it. #smiles

        Reply

    • Thank you, Melissa. That’s a hard thing to do for some people, and I understand it. But at some point, if we want to BE writers, we have to write what inspires US.

      xx

      Reply

  10. Yes! I’ve been very liberated by using a pen name. It means that I’m not paralyzed by What If scenarios. If you’re a private person living in a small town, it may help.

    I find I can focus on being myself now, oddly.

    Reply

  11. I absolutely love your post this morning, Rachel. So many times, my friends ask me, “Aren’t you afraid of what your family will think?” Or “What if someone reads your blog and doesn’t appreciate you spilling the beans about your family’s history?”

    But the truth…is in order for us to be successful and embellish within the freedom of where our writing will take us, we have to make a choice. Whether or not we want to sugarcoat our experiences, tell everything how it is or simply keep our secrets hidden, those are decisions an author must make on his/her terms. For quite some time, I was ashamed about my own family history and scared about what would happen if someone found out about the past I chose to slowly reveal, and still have so much more to say. But as you mentioned, there is something liberating about building our blogs or sharing our stories in the novels we choose to write. And not all of our writing will be read by our family members and friends. There is also the option of taking a pen name which is something I chose to do so. This way, I wouldn’t take that risk of hurting certain members in my family who simply couldn’t appreciate the rawness of my writing.

    For me, I’ve found peace because I am able to confront and share the truth with my readers. I only hope other authors who are struggling with overcoming these obstacles can find their way and light through their pen. Your book sounds like an incredible story, Rachel. I will be adding it to my holiday gift-booking list.

    Reply

    • Thank you so much, Gina! I’m so glad my post helped you. I’m glad you’ve found peace in the process.

      We all have to make the choices that work best for our lives, whether that’s taking a pen name or fictionalizing our family history. From a common sense approach, just write. Get it all out. Worry about the structure, character, plot, etc later (and get a good editor if you haven’t already).

      I truly believe we have to give ourselves permission and then silence all those outer voices to get to the heart of our stories. I’m so glad you have.

      Reply

  12. This was write on time. I am in the middle of writing my book proposal and there are difficult things about my divorce that I second guess writing about. But I am learning to let go and just write. Thanks for sharing!!!!

    Reply

    • It’s definitely difficult to push ourselves through the more difficult parts — no question. But that is part of what makes writing so amazing. Good luck with your book. You’ll do amazing!

      Reply

  13. I agree with you to a point but what about when those stories start affecting your children LOL. I recently went back to a pen name after several of the teachers began sharing my books at the school my children attend. At first it was great but I don’t write sweet romance and I couldn’t get past the fact that I live in the bible belt and way out in the country on top of that. Not sure if it was a wise move or not, for me though… my kids came first.

    Reply

    • oh definitely those are considerations. My point is that we need to write as if nobody is looking over our shoulder. Marketing and packaging is further on in the process. However, if you are writing edgy stuff, by all means, use a pen name! You can repackage your current work under a new name (though the jig is kind of up lol), but going forward, stick with that pen name for those genre works.

      I work with an erotica author who is a married businesswoman, but her persona is ANYTHING but. It’s fantasy for her, and that’s how we approach it. Fiction is fiction is fiction — as long as you’re consistent in marketing it, it works.

      hope that helps, Michelle!

      Reply

  14. Thank you for this post. I’ve been fighting with that fear for a long time and finally decided to write (and publish on my blog…eek!) my story and how I am working on healing. I have worried for too damn long about what others will think or may think. Slowly I’m letting all of that go and writing the stuff the scares the hell out of me. It’s been therapeutic so far so I’m looking forward to challenging myself even more in 2014.

    Reply

    • You’re quite welcome. I think every writer wrestles with those fears at some point — shoot, anyone who shares anything publicly to be honest. It’s a matter of giving ourselves permission and having that laser focus to shut out all but the writing voices (muse, whatever).

      People ask me if writing Broken Pieces was therapeutic — to an extent, yes, in that I’ve connected with so many other survivors and I even formed a secret Facebook group for us. That alone propels me to continue to share my story.

      good luck, Kim!

      Reply

  15. “I always laugh when I read reviews that say ‘the author must have gotten her family members to write glowing reviews,’ because — as most authors will attest — our families could give a flying sack of rat crap about what we do or don’t do. Few read our work. Even fewer review it.”

    Wow, so it’s NORMAL for your family not to read and review? That was great for me to hear! Maybe I’ll feel less bitter about that.

    Reply

    • totally normal. Now that my book has been out a year and is now available in paperback, it seems more real to them and my mom and sis have read it. Oh, and my brother in law and he loved it. I tell them not to review it. I don’t want to have that bias.

      Really it depends on the relationship you have with your family. I let them know the subject matter and that it was difficult, but I don’t think they expected the poetry. It’s kind of a cool surprise when they realize hey, our girl can actually write! LOL.

      You’ll get there. Hug.s

      Reply

  16. Great post, I am one of those debating if I should say everything and create a pen name, or just go with my name and omit certain things. Like you said, I feel that since it’s my life I should be able to say what I want to, but at same time I know that it involves other family members’. I know my family isn’t even into reading that much, but I feel that since they always wanted to know what I am thinking or doing they will feel like they should read what I wrote. It’s so much for someone like me who is always saying that i don’t care about other people say! So technically i guess my family will still rule what i write one way or another.

    Reply

    • Only if you let them. We are adults, and as such, have the freedom to tell our stories regardless of what others (including family) thinks. The biggest hurdle many authors have is giving ourselves permission to write our stories. You have that right.

      We all do.

      Reply

    • Thanks, Carla for weighing in.

      I think that technically it’s totally YOUR call. If writing is your career, you write. You don’t need permission from anyone but yourself. That’s actually something that is really difficult for so many people. We are adults — we have our own stories to tell.

      Reply

  17. There is another angle – stop worrying about others and write it for yourself. You don’t have to actually show anyone. It can be a cathartic experience that can dwell in the bottom drawer of the desk afterwards.

    Reply

  18. This is a very good lesson for new writers especially. I was recently approached by a friend who was being torn in two directions, one by a critique group who said one thing, another by other readers who said to do the opposite. As writers, we have to have the courage to write the story the way we want it—making it the best it can be. Then, sit back and let the critics have their fun. Anyone who tries to write by committee is doomed to endless regrets, the rest of us might have those same regrets, but at least we know it’s all on us.

    Reply

    • It’s tough. We want and need to share our work — it’s great to have others we trust critique us. I had a horrible crit group experience and now share my work with a few trusted writers and my editor who are all talented and brutally honest. Each author has to learn what works best for them. Reader feedback is crucial, because after all, they are our demographic, our fan base, our readership.

      You’re so right — we cannot write by committee. We write because we have a vision and we need to follow it through. Not to say we shouldn’t listen to others — I think it’s especially important to get that first draft done alone. But probably because that’s what works for me lol!

      Reply

  19. This was a very helpful read for me. I have very recently started blogging my personal story and do still catch myself saying things like “Gosh, how will my mom react to reading this part?” Although those fears still pop up sometimes they no longer stop me from writing my story because I came to the conclusion that it was something I had to do for me. I said to myself “wouldn’t you want a family member to be able to heal through writing their story, even if you read something that saddened you?” and the answer is always yes. So that is the question I keep asking myself in order to keep doing it. Thanks for the inspiring article 🙂

    Reply

  20. Great piece, Rachel, and absolutely! I didn’t really give much thought to what my family would think of the content of my books (easier when they’re fiction) until my brother in law asked if there was any sex in one. He was only kidding along with me but I did have a moment of feeling like we were chatting normally but I’d inadvertently lost all my clothes. For the small amount of sex in one, I just have to keep my mind firmly in the character. Then it doesn’t matter what others think because it’s not me. Easy to say when you’re writing fiction, though.

    Reply

    • HI Jackie! Yea, it IS weird discussing sexual topics or situations with family, no doubt. BUT, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t write about them. Sex is normal and natural — it’s so funny how weird we are as a society about it.

      Reply

  21. I love this article and it was such perfect timing that I came across it as I have recently started writing my own story. The points in the article and in the comments are so true! Write for yourself not others; don’t worry so much about what other people think; you have the right to tell your story – these points and more are really helping me to feel more confident about what I am doing. And I love the quote in the comments that people should have behaved better if they waned to be written about in only a positive light! 🙂

    Reply

  22. I love your candid approach in this post as I think that is every writers biggest hurdle “worrying about what others will say.”

    Thanks for the no-nonsense approach to it for giving all us writers a push in the right direction 🙂

    Reply

    • Oh, I fully agree. I self-pub’d my first 3 books and ALL were edited by a professional editor. When i signed with Booktrope, that’s of course part of the process as well. I do mention that in the article as well.

      Uploading our work to Amazon with a full edit by a professional is, IMHO, the equivalent of a book report. Thanks for commenting, Tom!

      Reply

  24. I posted my first blog on the Huffington Post the other week, which made a brief and vague reference to my mother and her generation.

    She called me in tears.

    I still wonder about this. She’s the last person I wanted offend with the blog; the reference was a small aside. I could have not mentioned her at all, but I still sometimes feel like it’s not authentic unless you really own up to the personal aspects of your life and include that kind of stuff. Yet I was still reduced to mush for a week after that. Mommy was not proud of me. It makes me wonder what I’m up for with the rest of the writing I’ve got on my plate, which similarly borrows from my and my loved one’s experiences.

    Thanks for this blog, as at least I know I’m not alone in this dilemma.

    Reply

    • Hi Suzanne, and grats on the HP gig!

      It is difficult to make that decision to be fully honest and authentic. As a memoirist, we have to accept that our goal is not to hurt others, but to be truthful. We also have to accept that we cannot control how others (like moms) will take an article or post or book. Their reactions are not ours to hold or be responsible for, right? So, while I fully understand the emotions you feel (and believe me, I have been there — my mom is a betareader for me, and we’ve discussed this), ultimately, this is your story, not your mother’s. Your perception of events, your feelings you are writing about — even though she sees it differently, that’s her story to share, not yours.

      I hope this helps a little, and even though I don’t know you, I’m proud of you. xx

      Reply

  25. Although I’m relieved to learn I’m not the only one whose family doesn’t read or give a damn about my work, I’m terrified to write the truth about them. That is writing they would probably find. I fear it would cause a family schism that could not be healed. Siblings find it tough to see the truth. However, I need to write my work and earn my way in the world.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  4. […] Stop Worrying What Others Think, Write Your Story – Rachel in the OC. I struggle with this. All. The. Time. Each time I sit down to type something out, I wonder how it’s going to be received or if I’m going to reveal something that I mayhap shouldn’t. Authenticity is key, though, and it’s another thing I need to add to the list of stuff to remember. […]

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