Am I Bisexual Because of Sexual Abuse? No! by guest @BobbiLParish - Rachel Thompson

Rachel Thompson

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Am I Bisexual Because of Sexual Abuse? No! by guest @BobbiLParish

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Am I Bisexual Because of Sexual Abuse? No! by guest @BobbiLParish #Bisexual #Love #relationships

The Destructive Forces of Sexual Abuse

Like every child, I came into this world craving the love and approval of my parents. I wanted nothing other than to attach to them, to feel safe and secure in their care. Unfortunately, my childhood was set aflame and burned to the ground by the destructive forces of sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, and depression. Check these ikaria lean belly juice reviews.

As hard as I tried to contort myself to meet the expectations of those I desperately wanted to love and approve of me, I was always deigned unworthy. The closest I came to feeling love was brief, burning bursts of approval when I was being sexually abused. Those encounters left me smoldering, in pain and starving for the smallest burning coals of affection and reassurance of my worth despite how much damage they caused.

Emerging from childhood, covered in ashes, I was determined to build an adult life that contained the love and approval I craved. Perfectionism and continued contortions to fit others’ expectations were my favorite tools. I didn’t have a clue what I wanted or who I was, only what others told me I should want and do. And so I did those things, with great determination.

Building A Life the “Right” Way

I got a Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree, married and had a son. I did all of the “right” things. It didn’t earn me the love and approval I sought. The smoldering pain of my childhood and my unmet need for affection and validation lit my adulthood on fire. Depression and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder consumed me and burned away my flesh to the bone.

I spent decades in and out of psychiatric wards, disabled and homeless. It took me years to find the right help; a trauma-informed hospital, therapist and psychiatrist who taught me how to both put out the flames and heal my burns. After years of hard work, I have not just soothed those burns, but finally figured out that I’m worthy, absent of anyone else’s love and approval except my own. I’m still scarred, but I’m not aflame anymore.

Finding My Joy!

Years of hard work healing gave way to building a life that I wanted to lead, that brought me joy. Finally, at age fifty, I have both a career I love and a family who loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want to be. This time, my partner is a woman – an incredible person who wants me to be my best, happy and healthy. Her daughters bring light and love into my life that is as dear as my son’s love. Together, we have the kind of family that I finally know I always deserved.

And yet people now want to sit in judgment of me because I have built my family with a female partner, rather than a male one. Frankly, her gender is a moot point for me. It’s who she is in her heart and mind that floods me with love and gratitude that I have her in my life. But her gender certainly matters to others.

Like many non-heterosexual survivors, I’m repeatedly confronted with the myth that being sexually abused by a man as a child is the cause of my sexual orientation. So much discussion and even research have been dedicated to this topic. **I’ve summarized some of it below, in case you’re interested in reading it.**

Scientific Research on Bisexuality/Homosexuality and Sexual Abuse

Scientific research has come to no conclusions about the relationship between childhood sexual abuse and sexual orientation. Anecdotal evidence shows no link between the two. Personally, I know that my childhood abuse had no effect on who I am attracted to. It decimated my mental health, ability to attach, self-worth, sense of personal power and my hope for having a happy life.

But who taught me who to love and how to love? Me. I learned it on my own, with the help of some great therapists, through hardscrabble work along with trial and error. I, and I alone am responsible for my capacity to love and who I chose to love. My childhood taught me pain, and that I deserved nothing but pain. I taught myself how to love and live.

My childhood gets no iota of credit for who I am today. That one is all on me!

 

**Research:

The Problem With The Belief that Childhood Sexual Abuse Causes Homosexuality/Bisexuality

The Myth that Boys Abused by Males Must Have Attracted the Abuse Because They Are Gay or They Become Gay as a Result

Am I Gay Because of the Abuse?

Can Being Sexually Abused Determine Sexual Abuse?

 

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Learn more about all of Rachel’s books here. The Broken Collection, Broken Pieces, Broken Places, Rachel ThompsonConnect with Rachel for social media services on BadRedheadMedia.com.

 

Comments

  1. Bobbi, I am so absolutely thrilled for you and your partner. You have earned and deserve all the happiness and joy and love in the world! I am actually in tears, absolute tears — you are 100% right that you get all the credit for who you are today. And I hope you are so proud of who you’ve become because you are a light and inspiration for anyone and everyone who crosses your path.

    I love you and wish you blessings. <3 <3

    Reply

    • Aw C, thank you so much! I am working on becoming more and more proud of myself each day. It’s easier with the love and support of friends like you. Love you, too!

      Reply

  2. Bobbi you are a badass! I am beyond happy for you. I can relate so much with your words about approval and love and contorting yourself to fit the expectations of others. I wish you many more years of love and joy – you’ve worked so hard for it!

    Reply

    • Thanks Kelly! I’m so sorry that you can relate to the contortion act we’ve both tried performing. But I’m delighted to know you and be a part of your reclaiming your truth and power. You’re a badass, too. 🙂

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  3. Dear Bobbi,

    I greatly admire you & all you do for survivors. You’re such a blessing to me & I cherish our friendship. I’m so glad you’ve been able to rise above your abuse to find love and happiness.

    Much love,
    Wendy

    Reply

    • Thank you so much, sweet Wendy! Your encouragement and kindness gives me the power to keep going. I’m honored to be a source of blessing in your life. Much love, Bobbi

      Reply

  5. Good for you, Bobbi. Loving yourself is a very very difficult step. Finding love with another who values you? Priceless.

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  6. I’m so happy for you Bobbi!! I struggled for so many years trying to be straight because I thought my abuse was why I wasn’t attracted to men and “overcoming” that meant healing to me. I was so wrong. This is such an important thing to discuss. Than you for sharing!!

    Reply

    • Oh, thank you very much Apryl! Getting here has been hard, the complexities of sorting out who I am from what is an affereffect of my abuse has been head spinning at times. But the rewards for all of my work are amazing. Thank you for sharing my joy!

      Reply

  10. I want to applaud the strength of people telling their stories. I’ve “casually” mentioned my abuse to people and thought that meant I was passed it (nearly two decades should be enough, right? right?). It turns out that even attempting to put things in to a coherent story made my stomach drop and my hands shake. Confronting this sort of trauma, especially publicly, is really difficult. Those of you who have stood up to that are seriously strong people.

    Reply

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