This is the Reason Connection and Interaction are Different

I’ve noticed a disconcerting pattern on social media these past six months: people expecting interaction and feeling entitled to reciprocation. Total strangers shaming others into liking and sharing posts, leaving scathing messages (both publicly and privately) if one does not agree with their stance — particularly if it’s political or religious in nature — and outright bullying if we don’t respond or simply tell that person, “no.”

In the nature of relationship building, of which I am an advocate, this begs the question: where do we draw the line?

Is there a difference between connection and interaction?

Let’s deconstruct.

You Don’t Owe Anybody Interaction 

I ran across this illuminating post: You Don’t Owe Anyone an Interaction: The TEDx Talk « on Positively Positive by Caroline McGraw and it really resonated with me. She’s a “Giver,” and I feel the same way (though clearly, some will disagree). I’ve created a giving kind of platform, what with #MondayBlogs, #SexAbuseChat, and #BookMarketingChat, helpful, practical blog posts weekly, and tons of tips on my various social media channels daily.

It takes diligence, effort, and time to connect with readers on my author platform, and authors on my business platform, but I do it because I love it. It’s my choice; one I made with much thought and analysis.  

In McGraw’s article, she discusses that there are two types of Givers: 

In an age of unprecedented connectivity, how can we give to others without burning out ourselves?

For help, I turned to a book called Give and Take, in which Adam Grant makes a startling, research-based claim: People who give more than they receive are the most productive and highest-earning workers. It pays to be a Giver.

However, there’s an important caveat in the research, and it’s this: There are two different types of Givers. The first and most successful type gives while guarding personal limits. This type sets healthy boundaries, holding self-interest and other-interest simultaneously. For them, it’s not self or others; it’s self and others.

By contrast, the second and least-successful type gives to the point of exhaustion. They have trouble saying no to anyone. As a result, they are always, always tired. I know, because I used to be one of them. I used to think that if I didn’t give away every ounce of energy to others, I was being selfish.”

Wow, did this hit me like a punch in the gut. Here’s why: 

• Just last week, a woman on Facebook shamed me publicly on my wall for not liking her comments on several of my posts that were quite religious in nature. If you know me at all (or read my guidelines), you’ll know that I’m not a religious person, and ask people not to post religious or political statements on my wall. She then went as far as to declare that I was unappreciative of her efforts, threatening to unfriend me. I quickly unfriended her because, really? Within seconds, I found rage message in my PMs (private messages), calling me all kinds of terrible names. 

• In another instance, someone asked me to write a letter on behalf of a survivor I’ve never met, to help keep her abuser behind bars. This person offered zero details of the case when I asked for them, telling me I should simply believe them since I’m “an advocate for survivors,” which I am. However, to lend my name to a cause, I must do my due diligence. When this person refused to provide any identifying details (state, county, city, dates, case information, anything whatsoever), I politely declined. This person then started stalking me, leaving messages on every Facebook page I own denigrating me, on Twitter, on my blog posts, articles, basically everywhere, claiming that I am a ‘fake’ advocate.

• I’m constantly told (mostly by men) that I’m a ‘perpetual victim’ for writing and sharing my survival story of childhood sexual abuse, despite the fact that I’ve developed a community for survivors to share ways to recover and heal, a platform to speak our stories, and am a fierce advocate for all survivors of trauma, regardless of gender. These attacks certainly have a sexist component to them — men attacking women for speaking up will always be a target of derision. My books are award-winning and bestselling, and I’m confident in my writing abilities. What these men say doesn’t affect me — it clearly says more about them than it does me. My concern is more for other survivors who won’t speak up or report because of this pervasive attitude. 

These interactions are unsettling, but also learning moments for me. I’ve learned to set limits. 

Stop Being Lazy 

If you can email or DM or PM me a question, you can research it first, right? This is a boundary for me. What is stopping people from looking up their questions? Even more galling are the business requests:

• I can’t hire you, but can you tell me how to sell 100 copies per month?
• Can you explain {insert whatever topic} to me?
• I have $100 to spend on all of my marketing, and you charge $150/hour. Will you discount your price so I can afford you?

Listen, I get budget issues. I do. I’m a single mom with two kids, bills, taxes, and all the rest of it. My brain is what pays my bills, not my charm or looks (as I write this, I have on sweats, no makeup, hair in a ponytail and a migraine. Clearly, it’s not my looks.). I have 20+ years of marketing experience, 8+ years in publishing, and dozens of happy clients. People hire me because I know my shit. So, don’t ask me (or any freelancer or consultant for that matter) to do you this one little favor because guess what? Ten people ask this of us daily. If we did nothing but free favors for everyone who asks, we’d never make any money whatsoever. 

Why sell myself short? Nope, sorry. If you want to pay for my services, then pay for my services. If you don’t, then don’t. If you can’t, read ALL the free stuff I provide or Google That Shit. 

When I need consulting (and I do), I hire amazing people. I have assistants who help me, and I pay them well because they deserve it — it’s worth it to me to delegate admin tasks so I can focus more on my consulting business, writing, and learning new skills. I scrimp and save, just like you. I haven’t bought new clothes for myself in two years. I don’t go to Starbucks or out to dinner (well, hardly ever). I do the fucking work.

The Difference Between Connection and Interaction 

Which brings me to my original point: is there a difference between interaction and connection? Obviously, yes. A resounding yes! I can interact with a bug, but that doesn’t mean I’m connected to it (though some tree-huggers may argue that point). As authors, and as businesspeople, our job is to to connect with our demographic, build relationships, and, if we’re lucky, earn that sale through connection. 

Earn. I didn’t say expect or entitled. That’s the disconnect. That tiny little four-letter word is where the difference lies between the Givers who are successful, and the Givers who aren’t — at least, as I see it. Between the Takers who expect and feel entitled to all our hard work. Between our love for the written word, our common interests, our sharing of universal truths and every other cliché we can think of, but in the end rings true (see what I did there?).

I personally have struggled with telling people no. A friend tells me I’m too nice, too helpful, offering up links to people when I could just send them to Google. That I need to laugh in people’s faces at the ridiculous requests they make of my time, because time is money and all that. One of mentors reminds me that I should be charging for all the free info I give away but I’m not — and probably to my own detriment.

And I hear them, I do, which is why I took the BadRedhead Media 30-Day Book Marketing Challenge (which was totally free for the month of February to newsletter subscribers only), fleshed it out and made it into a book, due out in December from my publisher, ShadowTeams. I’m also creating special BadRedhead Media online only downloadable courses for purchase that are reasonably priced (less than $50) for people who can’t afford my hourly rate — available soon!

As for my author work, I’m writing Broken Places, the third and final Broken book, and sketching out ideas for my next non-fiction series — top secret stuff for now.

Satisfaction in Connection 

Ultimately, the choice for any of us comes down to how satisfying these connections are, and that determines whether we choose to continue to interact. Like that friend who is always talking about herself, begging for money, or ripping off other people’s work (true story), we need to set boundaries for emotional vampires, or break ties with them altogether (something I did recently and wow, it’s been liberating!). If you are drained after interacting with certain people, that’s a sure sign that you need to look out for yourself, and restrict contact.

We are not all things to all people, and that expectation and entitlement by others that we should be is unrealistic and let’s face it, kind of warped. Who are these people to tell us how we should be? That’s a lot of nerve. It’s not selfish to find satisfaction in our work, set boundaries in those connections and interactions with others, and find a balance between the two.

After all, if we can’t be there for ourselves, we are limiting how effective we can be for others.

 

Would you like to be part of my Broken Pieces Pay It Forward Initiative? Purchase a copy for yourself, fill out an easy form on my site, and I’ll gift a copy from you on my dime to a friend in need!

Purchase Broken Pieces and Broken Places (now published by ShadowTeams NYC and Lisa Hagan Books) on Amazon now!

Learn more about all of Rachel’s books here. Connect with Rachel for social media services on BadRedheadMedia.com.