“How could I not have known that my child was sexually abused?” my friend Max* asked me.
We sat hunched over a table during happy hour in our favorite restaurant, the conversation anything but happy. I had known Max since our college days, the time period during which I disclosed that I had been sexually abused as a child. After his daughter, Olivia*, disclosed that she had been abused several years before, Max called and asked if we could meet.
This was my personal nightmare. I had known Olivia her whole life. As a survivor, I knew what to look for regarding whether kids may have been victimized. I had detected nothing. Later, I learned that up to 40% of children who have been sexually victimized show no signs at all.
“Will you help us?” he asked, his voice hollow, his eyes glazed over with shock.
I nodded. “Of course.”
Statistics of Child Sexual Abuse
This issue is too important to ignore. And while I have experienced “The Flinch” over and over again as I advocate for the health and well being of child abuse survivors, I didn’t want this experience for Olivia. I don’t want this for any child.
Evidence shows that you probably know a child who has been sexually abused. Estimates show as many as one in three girls and one in six boys are sexually victimized before they reach 17 years of age. To complicate matters, most children never disclose. Estimates are that as many as 90% of child sexual abuse cases go unreported.
The problem is huge. Overwhelming. We want to turn away. We think that if we don’t acknowledge the issue of childhood sexual abuse, it can’t happen to us.
But that is not the way life works.
Honor the Shock You Feel
A child disclosing that he was sexually victimized is shocking. There is no way around the shock and denial.
I felt so shocked that I wanted to tell Max that Olivia was lying. I felt terrible about this, mind you, but I desperately wanted her to be lying; I would rather help Max deal with the fallout of her lying than I wanted her to have gone through this trauma, especially as an abuse survivor.
Once Max and I worked through that part of the denial phase, Max lamented that Olivia had not told him about her experiences. This is pretty typical, however. Children who disclose that they have been sexually abused will do so with a trusted friend or adult, but not often a parent. They also won’t have a single, well-documented, coherent story. We remember events as we are when they happen; a six-year-old remembers abuse as a six-year-old. Therefore, memories are disjointed and fuzzy, if they aren’t blocked out because the events were so traumatic.
This is the beginning of a long journey, and the news means that life is different than what you thought it would be. The important action is to simply sit in the shock for a little while, and use it to help you move forward.
Ask for Help
When they disclose, children tend to feel as if they are at fault, that they did something to cause the abuse. As adults, we know this is not true, but children don’t have that luxury. They need to be told that their disclosure was the right thing, especially as you pursue professional help.
Depending on who the child tells, the local Department of Human Services (DHS) may already know about the case. If Olivia had told a teacher, for example, that adult would have to call DHS as teachers are mandatory reporters. Law enforcement is also consulted, working in conjunction with state and county agencies in order to make sure that children are safe.
In Olivia’s case, there was a central county resource whose sole job was to process child sex-abuse cases. They provided medical and psychological evaluation, worked with the authorities assigned to the case and helped in the interviewing process. They also assigned Max’s family a social worker, who helped them to find a therapist who could keep working with Olivia over time.
As this journey unfolds, write down all of your questions and keep asking. Find a therapist that you can trust, not just for your child, but for you as you process through this trauma. You will need all the help you can get.
Take the Child’s Lead
When Max first told me about Olivia, I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and say, “Tell me everything!” This is not a good strategy. The feelings are understandable, but the actions would not help.
Just as each child discloses in her own time, she will continue to tell her story as she needs to. Children have questions or need to work out feelings. Sometimes memories will shatter through the protective walls in their brains.
These nuggets of information can come out during a ride in the car, while snuggling and reading, or while on vacation. The important job of the adults in the lives of children who disclose abuse is to simply take their lead, listening when they share.
Hunker Down and Be Present
This is not an easy situation. I don’t know what’s going to happen to Olivia. Will she have nightmares like I did? Will she have trouble in school or with relationships? What can I do to help her process this event as she grows into an adult?
This is not going to resolve itself in a short time, leaving everyone happy. This is a process with unknowns and questions and tears. And even though I would prefer that this had never happened to her – or any child – I would rather protect and support her the best that I can than to have her never say anything at all.
*Names and personal information have been changed to protect privacy.
Kelly Wilson is an author and comedian who entertains and inspires with stories of humor, healing, and hope. She is the author of Live Cheap and Free, Don’t Punch People in the Junk, and Kelly Wilson’s The Art of Seduction: Nine Easy Ways to Get Sex From Your Mate. Her latest book, Caskets From Costco, has been chosen as a finalist in the 18th annual Foreword Reviews’ INDIEFAB Book of the Year Awards, the 10th annual National Indie Excellence Book Awards, and the 2016 Readers’ Favorite International Book Award Contest.
She is the founder of PTSD Parent, a website and podcast that educates, supports, and inspires all people living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in their homes and families. Kelly Wilson currently writes for a living and lives with her Magically Delicious husband, junk-punching children, dog, cat, and stereotypical minivan in Portland, Oregon. Read more about her at www.wilsonwrites.com and on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon
Broken Pieces and Broken Places
