This is the One About Sexual Harassment - Rachel Thompson

Rachel Thompson

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This is the One About Sexual Harassment

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This is the One About Sexual Harassment by @RachelintheOC, abuse, assault, harassment

Sexual Harassment Story

I’m going to tell you a story. A story I’ve never told anyone before…

I got his text one night, late but not too late. I’m guessing this was somewhere around 2010 or so…

What are you doing, beautiful? 

The tone surprised me, given that he was a mentor, not just some guy. People flirt in DM on social media. It’s not like I hadn’t had my share of silly conversations with men — but I was married. Unhappily, sure. But, still, I wasn’t the kind of girl to be sexting with some random guy — or even a guy I knew. I wasn’t quite sure what sexting was since I didn’t even sext with my ex-husband (maybe that was part of the problem). I definitely didn’t plan on sexting with a mentor.

Me: Oh, just working. Hangin’ with my family.

I can’t get you off my mind. Redheads get me going. Maybe you can get me off. 

Oh, geez. What is it with men and redheads? Honestly. It’s a bizarre fetish, isn’t it?

Me: Listen, this feels really weird to me. You’re married. I’m married. We have a professional relationship. Have a good night.

I figured, ya know, done. Maybe he’d been drinking or had a fight with his wife. Whatever.

Then: I want to {insert um, inappropriate sexual term here}

…and this went on for a few more cheesy porn paragraphs I won’t repeat. I froze. Total non-response. Tonic.

An acquaintance I was doing some work for at the time had put us in touch, thinking he could help me build my business. I didn’t know what to do: if I was too harsh with him, would he end my working relationship with her? Would that burn important bridges down the road? What had I done to bring this on?

What if what if what if?

All this nonsensical logic whirled through my mind in those few seconds it took to scan his sexual fantasies. I didn’t respond. My heart raced. What the? How did I go from minor computer work to this new, unwanted reality so quickly?

My lack of response led him to gather I apparently had no interest, so he ended the conversation. I put my kids to bed and crawled into bed next to my snoring husband, crying myself to sleep.

Why Didn’t I Make Him Stop?

Imagine my surprise the next morning when I received long emails from both the acquaintance and his wife, firing me from the gig and accusing me of leading him on, respectively. I then received an hour-long ranting call from the acquaintance telling me I should have known better than to encourage him, that I should have cut him off because when a man comes on to you, it’s your responsibility to change the conversation, etc….placing all the blame for his behavior on me. She and the wife were good friends — didn’t I see how I was ruining their marriage?

Vulnerable, confused, I took this abuse from her as she screamed into the phone WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE HIM STOP?

Inside this drama, I could not objectively comprehend the responsibility did not lie with me.

I mentally and emotionally went right back to being that eleven-year-old sexually abused little girl, who must somehow own the intentions of men. 

He contacted me a few days later with an apology and to inform me that he needed to block me on all fronts ‘so he wouldn’t be tempted.’ (I wish I was making this up. I really do.) “Take responsibility, dude. Man up,” I told him. “I can’t. I’m sorry,” he responded with a bad soap opera line.

Sexual Harassment and Victim-Blaming

It’s easy to find some humor in the ridiculousness of this situation now, these many years later. At the time, however, I felt dizzy with nausea, triggered, anxious, and depressed. I felt angry at myself for allowing them to blame me for his behavior, and for not standing up for myself. I still kinda kick myself for that, though I’ll be #truthbomb honest with you: I had not written my Broken books yet where I discuss being a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I had not started my business yet, and I hadn’t had any conversations yet with my ex about the dissolution of our marriage, we divorced in 2015, with the help of reputable divorce lawyers.

In other words, I had not yet begun any kind of healing or advocacy journey. I can see how clearly it simply did not occur to me to fight back. Though I didn’t feel I accepted responsibility for his behavior, it was obvious they all needed to blame someone, anyone, other than the person who did it. So if you’re a victim as well, unfortunately, it’s advisable to seek immediate legal help from a trustworthy sexual harassment lawyer.

And that right there is classic victim-blaming: “Anytime someone defaults to questioning what a victim could have done differently to prevent a crime, he or she is participating, to some degree, in the culture of victim-blaming.” (The Atlantic, August 2016).

Some even questioned whether this kind of action is ‘even sexual harassment at all.’ I asked that myself, as survivors of previous trauma tend to minimize what happens to them. “Does this count?’ or ‘Don’t make a big deal out of it,’ our common refrains, which is seriously messed up. According to GoodTherapy.org, sexual abuse is defined as “any form of sexual violence, including rape, child molestation, incest, and similar forms of non-consensual sexual contact. Sexual harassment falls well within that definition. 

I’m in a completely different place now, seven years later. I’ve written two books on my experiences as a childhood sexual abuse survivor with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. They’ve won awards and sold well; I have an agent and a contract. I also self-publish as well. I started #SexAbuseChat (every Tuesday since 2013, 6pm pst/9pm est on Twitter) with the amazing Bobbi Parish, who is a survivor and therapist. I’m actively involved in various survivor advocacy groups and projects. If you want to tell your story, go to SpeakOurStories. I’m writing Broken People now and researching my next series. I’m also writing business books.

The Way We Speak About Victims Needs to Change

I saw this language example in a TEDTalk recently and it really opened my eyes regarding my own advocacy as well as how we all view perpetrators and victims of abuse (I personally prefer the term ‘survivors’ but in this context, victims and victim-blaming are the known and accepted terminology).

Victim Blaming in Language

“One of the biggest sources of victim blaming is the way we talk about it; language surrounding abuse and sexual assault immediately put our attention on the victim instead of the perpetrator.” ~ Julia Penelope 

This is a demonstration developed by Julia Penelope and frequently used by Jackson Katz to show how language can be victim blaming:

  • John beat Mary; This sentence is written in active voice. It is clear who is committing the violence.
  • Mary was beaten by John; The sentence has been changed to passive voice, so Mary comes first.
  • Mary was beaten; Notice that John is removed from the sentence completely.
  • Mary is a battered woman; Being a battered woman is now part of Mary’s identity, and John is not a part of the statement.

As you can see, the focus has shifted entirely to Mary instead of John, encouraging the audience to focus on the victim’s actions instead of the perpetrator’s actions.

Our Long Healing Journey

These experiences don’t go away. Childhood sexual abuse, date rape/rape, sexual assault, emotional, financial, or verbal abuse, and yes, sexual harassment. We move past them until they rise up with a news story or a political candidate’s skeleton rattles. As a woman, survivor, and sexual being, I have often questioned why these things happen. Not necessarily, “Why me?” because I refuse to take that on.

What I mean is: we tell women on one hand to embrace their sexuality and beauty, and then slap them across the face if they do. How can we navigate this double standard? And how do we raise our young girls in this environment? (And yes, I know this happens to men, too. I’m not excluding men. In fact, I’m raising one myself. Here, I’m writing about my experience as a woman.)

I have no answers, though I will tell you that every voice matters, whether you name your abuser or tell your story publicly or privately or in a journal or even just sort it in your head — that may make zero sense to you if you’ve never experienced it, but a survivor knows and understands.

This is only one story of sexual harassment. I have others. I’m sure you do, too. Whatever your story, know that you’re not alone. All sexual abuse is bad, and it’s not a competition. You matter.

Feel free to share below or share my post if you feel it can make a difference.

For Rachel’s poetry and memoirs, go to Amazon
Broken Places by Rachel Thompson
Broken Pieces and Broken Places

Broken Pieces by Rachel Thompson, Author on Amazon

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. That was all his fault and each of us is in control of our own actions. We put the blame on the wrong people and should put it where it belongs on the abuser. We should never blame the victim and they don’t really want this type of attention in the first place.

    Reply

    • It was, Jonathon, absolutely. And no, I never wanted or asked for this type of attention. It was skin-crawling.

      Interesting you say that — I received quite a bit of invalidating comments, such as ‘oh, typical guy stuff’ and ‘it could have been worse’ — as if I made too much of a deal about it. Me. The whole thing is just crazy-making to me, even today.

      Reply

      • I had an experience with a guy too that made my skin crawl and felt dirty. I was introduced to a guy that began to undress me with his eyes and point out all the guy he slept with in the park we were in. I promise myself I would never do that to a woman and knowing first hand how it feels understand some of what you women deal with. You do deserve to be treated better and not like some piece of meat but a person.

        Reply

  2. And women are the first to cast the blame and label the victim. Why? Why do they shield these despicable men?
    What a horrendous experience.

    Reply

    • HI Norah, and thank you for commenting. My best guess is because a) they don’t want to believe the person they love is capable of this behavior so he must have been coerced in some way and b) they haven’t experienced it, so they cannot possibly relate. Those are assumptions on my part, but if you read the linked articles on victim-blaming, the studies bear that out.

      This is why, when victims come forward (as you’re seeing now with the Weinstein case), people accuse the women of lying or wanting fame and fortune, even in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary. Because the man they know, who treated them well, who never sexually assaulted them, isn’t capable of that behavior.

      Reply

  3. I love this. No, wait, I do. Because you’re making public what that fool, and his wife, AND the female “friend,” said and did. F*ckers.

    Familiar with James Browns’ brilliant “The Payback”? I suggest you stop what you’re doing and go for a fast drive, windows down, with that song cranked, on repeat. Because we all know whose side of the story is legit here.

    You’re not THE bomb, you are A bomb. Settin’ it off, for all of us. We are so lucky, and so grateful, to have you.

    Reply

    • Love you, woman. I still chose not to name names, for various personal and professional reasons. Keeping quiet with this, when it happens to so many women every day, isn’t helping me or other women. One voice can make a difference. If that’s mine, cool. If not, maybe someone else can use theirs louder and prouder.

      I’m not looking for payback, truthfully. Only to help another woman feel less alone.

      Reply

  4. I’m sorry, where is the harassment here? The firing is bizarre and probably is actionable, actually – depends on her contract with the folks. But still, losing a consulting client isn’t harassment, it just sucks. Fyi, I’m a victim of emotional, physical and sexual abuse – real abuse, not some inconvenient sexual advances. I get pretty sick of hearing this kind of non-event described as traumatic or abusive. Grow up, Rachel. You sound like a 9 yo girl talking about this, not some liberated, powerful woman. And you cheapen all victims of actual assault and abuse by spinning thins nothing-burger up as some kind of meaningful incident.

    Reply

    • Thank you for your comment, Harry. Perhaps you missed the part where I describe being a survivor of repeated childhood sexual abuse at age eleven. Trauma affects our brains in long-term ways, and that explains my tonic reaction.

      I appreciate your lack of understanding of what it’s like to be a woman in a man’s world. I write in my Broken books what it’s like to navigate through the PTSD world post trauma, as well as further experiences of date rape and more. You don’t know me nor can you possibly understand what it was like for me, just as I don’t know you. I’m sorry you experienced what you did and wish you a healing journey.

      Reply

      • Ok, there is a…a thing going on here. A bigger picture thing. The comment from bruh was just so…obtuse, we can’t even be mad, really. But you, warrior woman, you are a target for a reason. You’re being toughened up for some mission. What’s on your 5-year plan? Running for president? Leading us through the Red Sea? What?

        Reply

        • Ha, just keep doing my thing. Some folks get it, some don’t. It’s honestly none of my business what people think of me. Bruh shared his thoughts, and that’s what this forum is here to do.

          And fuck, no on the President thing. I hope you’re kidding. Just writing more books, working with survivors, raising my kids, healing. That’s what it’s all about.

          Reply

    • Harry, you might benefit from doing your homework before lashing out online? This might help, it’s the legal definition of sexual harassment. It’s law.
      http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/sexual+harassment

      Over here in the UK, our definition is slightly different. We had a government report released today and statistics are on the rise for sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape. This definition is an expansion of our crown prosecution definition as written by Rape Crisis England and Wales.
      https://rapecrisis.org.uk/sexualharassment.php

      As you can see, it is a real issue which affects mostly women but men too. For many it is distressing. For those who are survivors of previous sexual abuse or violence, this type of experience can feel triggering too. It may help you to read up on trauma and responses to triggers?

      Added to this, Rachel Thompson is an magnificent advocate who offers emotional support, empathy and invaluable signposting to survivors of sexual harm every day. It’s unfortunate you felt rattled enough to retaliate harshly, and be hurtful to someone who shared such a deeply personal story in the hope her contribution might help change the narrative one day.

      Reply

    • Wow – Regina George of abuse survivors ^^ Sorry, you’re abuse isn’t good enough. Can’t sit with us.

      FUCK THAT. How can you post on here that you’re an abuse survivor and then minimize and victim blame the person whose entire blog is about sexual abuse!?

      Reply

      • Mean Girls reference for the win, Melissa! I love how your mind went there. Maybe I should have posted this on a Wednesday or October 3rd. 🙂

        Listen, my guess is that Harry doesn’t realize he’s on a blog or site that’s entirely devoted to discussing sexual abuse, owned by a CSA survivor, whose entire platform and advocacy is dedicated to helping other survivors. Somehow he missed the books, the About section, the bio at the bottom…everything. Because it’s not about ME, it’s about HIM.

        I’m thankful for his comment. Shows me I’m still on the right path. x

        Reply

    • Well, that certainly was not helpful. This is not a contest to see who had it worst. And besides, aside from the unwelcome sexual talk, the fact that it bled over into her LIVELIHOOD was an extra twist of the knife.

      I have come to realize that the majority of women, including myself have experienced this sort of thing, on all kinds of levels, and a noninsignificant amount of men as well.

      You are in pain. So is she. So am I. But we are alive, and we stand tall.

      Reply

  5. Rachel, I don’t know why but your piece makes me cry. I am so exhausted by the deplorable questioning of victims. For f***’s sake, why would any victim make this stuff up? (I love that I can full-fledged swear over here!!) As for the ‘stop’ question, why didn’t the perpetrator stop? No one asks that first. I really, really wish people would ask about the victims FIRST. And I know I’m guilty of the questions too–that’s hard to face too. But, I love how you are working to reframe the questions. It encourages me to keep working on my language and to keep advocating for others. Thank you.

    Reply

    • Thank you, Heather! Feel free to curse here anytime :).

      Victim-blaming, questions, minimization, invalidation — it’s all rampant. Just look at Harry’s comment here for an example. We can never know what someone has experienced, how they processed it, what their past entailed, or what the future effects may be for a survivor. I know that my reaction was compounded by being a childhood sexual abuse survivor, as well as previous corporate sexual harassment experiences (detailed in my books), a date rape, and other prior abusive relationships.

      The language of victim-blaming is something I’m studying now and I felt important to include here. Thank you for sharing your insights. x

      Reply

  7. It might not be easy for women to understand this, but I’ve been on your end of this scenario. I lost a job nearly the same way.
    But I grew up abused sexually and mentally. And all that time growing up it was “my fault”. That’s what I was told by my abusive father. Abusers deal with their sickness and guilt by blaming the victim. It’s how they cope and excuse it.
    When I am verbally attacked and questioned about my experience, I then question the truth about their own story. As survivors its ironic how easily we can see through someone.
    I admire your strength and resilience in dealing with the negative.

    Reply

    • HI John,

      thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you experienced. No child should ever go through what you did.

      Over these past five years or so, since I first released BROKEN PIECES (and subsequently BROKEN PLACES), started the weekly #sexabusechat, and worked with hundreds of survivors, I generally find that gender doesn’t matter. We’re all bonded in a way we’d never want to be, but we encourage and support one another because we are kindred.

      To those who don’t support one another, who want to find ways to minimize or invalidate another’s abuse, I believe they are in need of a healing and recovery that comes from within and they just aren’t there yet. Lashing out at others is part of their process, so I don’t take it personally. It’s not about me.

      Heck, you should read some of the 1-star reviews of my books! People have a lot to say about how survivors are supposed to survive. 🙂

      Reply

      • I used to let the negative get to me. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I’ve learned that everyone has a story and a reason for attacking someone verbally with this issue. Keep shoving this down the throats of deniers. I certainly have no hesitation about sharing it.
        I’d like to share a copy of my book with you. No expectations. Let me know where to send it.

        Reply

  8. Norah’s right – horrendous. And kind of ludicrous – YOU were somehow supposed to make him stop? Seems pretty clear that you DID shut it down. Unbelievable.
    Your words and your work are important. If any of it – this included – reaches even one person who needs to know they aren’t alone, that there are places and people to go to for help, etc. then you have made a huge difference. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

    Reply

    • It was laughable if you look at it objectively — as if I could be responsible for his behavior — he’s an adult! But that’s how we infantilize male abusers.

      Look at Italy’s reaction to Weinstein right now; “it can’t possibly be HIS fault – it’s Asia Argento’s for leading him on. She must have enjoyed it or she would have made him stop.” She weighs as much as a toothpick and he was clearly in charge of her career and financial situation. Lots of factors.

      Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting and your amazing support. x

      Reply

  9. OMG! I have received this type of texting. Several times over the past couple of years, actually. Usually from random guys I’ve never met on Words With Friends, of all places. ????‍♀️????‍♀️ They start a game and then a conversation. And it goes downhill from there.

    At first, it didn’t occur to me that it was sexual harassment. It just made me uncomfortable. Then the lightbulb came on and I started shutting them down. I still get the sexual trollers from time to time, but I just shut ‘em down and block them everywhere.

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience and I am so sorry this happened to you. And shame on those women for blaming you instead of hanging up on him! ????

    ❤️❤️

    Reply

    • Thanks for sharing, Wendy. Honestly, I’m not sure how regular interaction became the pick-up joint — I guess everyone is looking for ‘love’ (and yes, I just cringed writing that). In the U.S., sexual harassment is defined as in the workplace, though I understand that’s officially changing. In pretty much every other modern country, it’s anything that’s unwanted or non-consensual.

      I guess, with regard to the women blaming me, it’s not uncommon. We’ve seen it in the family of abusers countless times — they can’t believe their loved one could voluntarily be guilty, so it must be someone else’s fault. Typical.

      Reply

  10. Rachel, what an awful experience! Screw those ignorant morons for the cruelty of blaming you! Thanks for sharing this. I hate it when I freeze, and it helps to hear a badass like you sometimes freezes as well. We are all just humans, trying to get by in life! It’s appalling to witness the current political climate wth all the misogyny being played out in fun of us…ugh. I guess justice is too much to ask for in this unbalanced world.

    Reply

    • Hi Kathy! Thank you for your wonderful support and observations — and for calling me a badass! You know, I’m just a girl like the rest of ya, trying to make my way in the world. Good days and bad. The difference for me now is I understand more about my own boundaries and limits. It’s a process. x

      Reply

  11. Rachel,
    I am sorry you had to experience such inexcusable harassment. You had already been through so much at that point in your life, you did not and do not deserve anymore violations! I am amazed, inspired, and proud of what you have accomplished in the past seven years. I am particularly thankful for #sexabusechat on Twitter – it has been a light for me on many occasions. Thank you for so bravely sharing this story with us.
    In solidarity,
    Jodie

    Reply

  12. Thank you for this piece, Rachel.

    Can’t mention any names, not my place, but someone close had this same kind of completely unreturned sexual harassment, and the same guy got her sacked from her job. Appealed, and she got her job back, but the sexual harasser’s wife/family view her as the problem, not him, despite him being reported, by many others, for sexual harassment multiple times. And he still has his job – with the same company. Grrr.

    ANY unwanted sexual attention IS abuse, and I’m fed up with people demanding ‘victims’ put up with, or accept, or stop moaning about such attention. It’s traumatic for those who have to deal with it.

    Had a woman on one of my Twitter posts recently shout in All Caps for post after post about how women are to blame for ‘our poor men’ feeling so vulnerable and tempted. Internalized misogyny at its best.

    Reply

  13. I see evidence of victim blaming in so many situations now that I’m aware that it exists. Your story ( the harassment by a mentor specifically) rings true for many women. I had a boss decide that our car ride to an event was an excellent time to ask me about my preferences for oral sex techniques. Later, another staff member complained and he was punished for his behavior.
    But I even notice myself, while I listen to news stories where someone is victimized in one way or another wondering “what if” the victim had just done something differently? Couldn’t he or she have avoided the situation… And then I catch myself and remember that victim blaming is a brain bias of sorts. We like the idea of believing we or others have control when we really don’t. It makes our brains feel good. But, it perpetuates the problem you illustrate so well. If we can’t take situations like yours seriously and understand them for what they are–a systemic problem without an easy solution–we’ll never do the work to make a change.

    Reply

  14. This is so powerful. How many times have I blamed myself for the way someone treated me? For their crude words, for their inappropriate behavior? It’s stories like these that help women remember who is right, and how we can “navigate the double standards.” But most importantly, how we can free ourselves of guilt, shame and blame. Thank you for being an advocate.

    Reply

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