The Powerful Truth: Why So Many Women Won’t Report Sexual Abuse by @GarryRodgers1

Please welcome my esteemed guest, retired Royal Canadian investigator and now author, Garry Rodgers. Garry investigated hundreds if not thousands of sexual crimes during his career. We’ve had an ongoing conversation for many years about sexual abuse, and most recently, about the horrible victim-blaming happening in response to the #MeToo movement against women who report.  

I urge you to read Garry’s insights and perspective. He speaks about women in this context because that’s his lived experience. Polite comments are welcome. *Trigger warning for sexual abuse discussion* 

Thank God it’s 2018. We’re gradually emerging from a dark, male-dictated cave onto a slowly-enlightening, open plain where long overdue movements like #MeToo and #AboutTime give women the confidence to report sexual abuse. Unified, these female survivors collectively develop the courage to face male offenders and expose these clubbing, hair-dragging low-lives. They’re taking them to task and holding them accountable. I say it’s #LongOverdue and I’m writing this to discuss why—#UpTillNow—so many women still won’t report sexual abuse.

I’m a sixty-plus-year-old white guy raised in archaic, self-entitled, privileged, male-dominated North American society. Forty years ago, I joined a prominent national police agency where female officers were only admitted into the boy’s club two years before. To say sexual disparity occurred in the force is an understatement. And to say women freely reported sexual harassment and abuse is preposterous. That went for all parts of society, not just the cops, check out this weblink to learn more about what to do in this scenario.

Back then, policing was a closed shop. What went on in the force, stayed in the force. But, it was no different from almost every other society segment when it came to tolerating, ignoring and hiding sexual harassment and abuse. Just look at how the military, political and entertainment worlds held their dirty secrets. That’s not to mention the big corporate, small business and government worker communities. Only now are women slowly disclosing—saying what happened to them as well as to others. However, many women still won’t report sexual abuse.

I speak about sexual abuse disclosures from professional and personal experience

I spent most of my lengthy police career investigating serious crimes-against-persons offenses. That included a wide range of child molestations, domestic sexual assaults, and stranger-to-stranger rapes. It included cases where women resorted to killing their partners after enduring years of sexual abuse they never reported. And my life experience includes incidents where my wife and daughter survived sexual assault and sexual harassment.

Statistically, Three-Quarters of Women Experience Sexual Abuse

Statistics indicate three-quarters of women experience some sort of sexual impropriety in their lives. I believe that’s true. Sexual abuse occurs in their home. Sexual assault occurs in their social life. And sexual harassment occurs in their workplace.

That’s not even taking in sexual discrimination abuse. No matter how sexually inappropriate incidents are classified, they’re all a form of sexual abuse. Statistics also indicate most of these women won’t report their sexual abuse. I believe that’s true, too. That’s a staggering amount of victimized women.

It leads to the question, “Why?” Not so much why does it happen? It happens because some men are aggressive, controlling, perverted deviates who offend because they’ve learned to get away with it. Rather, it’s why so many women won’t report sexual abuse. And it’s not just the famous names who women won’t report.

We’re all aware of tasteless improper behavior like Lauer on the news set, grossly inappropriate actions like Weinstein in the hotel room, and vicious criminal attacks like Cosby behind the locked bedroom door. These are high-profile people. It took courage for women to emerge and divulge what these assholes were pulling off.

It’s #AboutTime these big pricks went down in flames. Karma’s a bitch, as they say. But most women reading this piece haven’t experienced preeminent and powerful perpetrators. Most are survivors of subtle and systematic patterns of sexual abuse from lower profile offenders they so well know. And many haven’t reported what happened.

There’s no single answer for why so many women won’t report sexual abuse; it’s a combination of factors where collective societal pressures shaped these women’s lives. Looking back on my family experience, my police experience and reading current clinical reports, these are the main reasons I feel women are reluctant to come forward and say #MeToo.

Women are Ashamed to Report Sexual Abuse

Shame is the number one reason why women won’t report sexual abuse. Shame is a devastating and debilitating emotion. It walks hand-in-hand with guilt. And it’s so, so unnecessary for sexual abuse survivors to feel any shame or guilt about being innocently victimized by an aggressor.

There’s something twisted why a woman would feel ashamed of herself after experiencing any form of sexual impropriety. But, a vast number feel the crippling emotion of shame after experiencing any type of sexual abuse. That’s whether it’s an inappropriate one-time situation or a pattern of groomed and ritualistic degradation.

Some experts define shame as more than an emotional state. For some sexual abuse victims, shame is an intense psychological wounding. It’s a natural human reaction after being sexually violated. Psychology Ph.D. Gershan Kaufman is one of today’s leading experts on shame associated with abuse. In his book Shame: The Power of Caring, Kaufman writes, “Shame is a natural reaction to being violated or abused. In fact, abuse, by its very nature, is humiliating and dehumanizing… especially so when sexually violated… the victim feels defiled, invaded, simultaneously feeling an indignity of helplessness while at another’s mercy.”

Sexual abuse victims associate disclosure with shame. They see shame as an emotional experience to be avoided at all costs; regardless they’ve been violated against their will through absolutely no fault of their own. It’s a reversed situation where the victim subconsciously blames themselves for being in this situation.

This isn’t a rational or calculated natural response. It’s the power of cultural and societal structure where the underlying thought “good girls don’t get raped” is alive and thriving. Shame derives from mental conditioning that somehow the victim will be blamed no matter what the circumstances are. For many women, they see it better to turn an eye rather than having it poked out while enduring perceived public shame.

Shame is a feeling deep within every person—male and female. It’s a natural control to uphold certain norms expected of society. When a woman’s first reaction to sexual abuse is shame, they want to hide. They develop an unwarranted but unavoidable feeling of unworthiness, of embarrassment, of disgrace and of dishonor. These are symptomatic of guilt and compounds into a fear to disclose because the pain of disclosure appears greater than suffering further abuse. Bluntly, many women are shit-scared to report sexual abuse.

Women are Afraid to Report Sexual Abuse
 

Fear is equally powerful to shame. Shame links to fear and it’s a vicious circle leading to prevent women from disclosing their abuse and identifying their abuser. They fear the consequences of reporting more than the consequences of continuing abuse. For many women, fear leaves them feeling helpless.

Fear is a self-preservation and survival instinct. It’s not necessarily a learned behavior. Rather, fear is a natural reaction when facing the unknown. For victims who’ve never made a sexual abuse disclosure, their fear is real. Very real. It’s not imagined, and it’s not perceived.

Overcoming fear is an immense obstacle for women sexual assault victims. Primarily, it’s their fear of what will happen once they let the cat out of the disclosure bag. Repercussions seem inevitable, whether that’s workplace harassment where they may lose their job when they desperately need money. They may also need career advancement or positive future references, and the very abuser is the one in a position of power over their present and future. This sexual harassment attorney in Virginia aims to help women have the courage to report and provide justice to the victims.

Victims of domestic sexual abuse have even greater reason to fear disclosing. Almost always, the domestic abuser is tied to their necessities of life. Losing food, shelter and family unity are enormous prices to pay for reporting abusers. The fear of losing everything worth living for is too great to overcome. Survivors see it far safer to remain silent and suffer continuance.

Sexual abuse victims are also afraid of the system. Outside of fear of being blamed for causing abuse, many women have a deep-seated mistrust of the justice and social system. Many victims have good reason to. Their biggest fear with the system is that they won’t be believed.

Workers within the law enforcement, courts, and restorative systems can be terribly unprofessional, incompetent and downright nasty. Previous personal experience and watching what happened to others who reported sexual abuse may be sufficient evidence to avoid “the system.” This is despite how serious their abuse has become.

Fear of violent reprisal is another overwhelming reason for women not to report sexual abuse. It’s not necessarily fear for their own safety keeping them from seeking help through a legal or social support agency. Fear for other family members—children, parents, siblings and extended friends—is a powerful motivator to stay quiet.

Many abusers are masterful manipulators. Direct, overt or subtle threats often accommodate all forms of sexual abuse. Perception is reality for survivors. For some, it’s easier to deny their victimization is real than face conquering their fear.

Women are in Denial of Sexual Abuse

Direct denials or indirect minimizations are common reactions for sexual abuse victims. Some women have been so beaten up, mentally and physically, that they accept abuse as being normal in relationships. Downplaying and denying the level of abuse, or that fact it happened at all, is a survival mechanism for some.

To survive, some women convince themselves their abuse was insignificant. They minimize the incident(s) as being “no big deal”. They see other women as surviving far greater violence and degradation while still carrying on as if nothing happened.

Other women cope by making excuses for their abuser. Men being drunk or stoned—or even men being victims of abuse themselves—are reasons women offer why offending partners and associates show violent and degrading behavior. For some, it’s easier to excuse, forgive and deny than it is to overcome fear and shame.

Possibly worse, some women in long-term abusive relationships think their abuser will change. This is a biggie. “If I hang in, things will get better. He’s going through issues right now. But he’ll change.” This denial is wishful thinking, but highly unlikely. IMO, the leopard doesn’t change his spots.

Some sexual abuse victims convince themselves they’re the only one. They see themselves as in a unique position where they’re singled out for abuse while other women in the offender’s circle safely lead normal lives. This is very true of victims of high-profile serial abuser Alabama Judge Roy Moore’s case. It even applied to President Bill Clinton when he was at the height of shenanigans.

Unfortunately, women with a history of sexual abuse going back to childhood are far more likely to deny or minimize than adults suddenly violated without warning. Historical victims learned to wrongfully accept that sexual abuse is part of life. They even go as far as expecting abuse will happen at home, in the workplace, and in social settings. That belief leads to low self-esteem which is another reason why women won’t report sexual abuse.

Women Develop Low Self-Esteem from Being Sexually Abused

Repeated sexual abuse almost always leads to low self-esteem. Unworthiness is part of the shame/guilt emotional reaction. It inevitably causes victims to question their personal integrity and undervalue their dignity. That includes a lack of self-respect for their bodies.

This is a continual cause and effect pattern. Episode after episode, especially with multiple abusers, cuts a woman’s self-esteem bit-by-bit until there’s little left of that structure. Finally, it becomes a “What have I got to lose?” thought process for the survivor. They just play along and let it play out.

Far too often, this lack of self-esteem leads to other forms of self-destruction. Depression leads to harmful behavior like substance dependency and suicidal actions. Almost every sex trade worker reports a history of abuse resulting in their finding a place in one of the lowest self-esteem occupations known. It leads to a sense of things being hopeless and they, as a victim, feeling helpless. Not surprising, these women won’t report sexual abuse.

Women Feel Hopeless and Helpless from Being Sexually Abused

It’s human nature to feel hopeless and helpless in a situation they can’t see an escape from. They give up and let the circumstances dictate the outcome rather than stand up and take charge. Learned helplessness is usually reinforced by aggressive offender reassurance that nothing can be done to stop, alter or prevent abusive actions.

When women feel they have no control over their fate, it’s natural to roll over and play dead. They feel trapped. There’s nowhere to turn. Nowhere to hide. And no one there for support.

This may be far from the truth but, for women in abusive relationships, this is their perception of reality. For them, reporting sexual abuse is useless—especially when they have a lack of support. It doesn’t have to be.

Women Have a Lack of Support for Sexual Abuse

Support services available for sexual assault victims vary with regions as well as within the survivors’ social status. Many survivors also don’t have the information available to direct them to safety, support, and security to move forward in reporting what’s happened. That takes in understanding the process, knowing what corroborates or proves their complaint, and identifying the offender. Survivors can bravely report such to professionals, such as the maine sex offender registry.

Aside from overwhelming shame, fear of not being believed and overcoming denial, many sexual assault victims don’t have the fortitude to report their abuse without strong support. That, alone, keeps them in a “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know” situation. For these women, it’s a monstrous step forward to make a report. They just can’t do it without outside reassurance and continual support.

Successfully supporting sexual assault victims takes a team approach. Pillars include legal support, medical support, financial support and emotional support. Often, local resources aren’t equipped to provide an equal balance and keep the reporting roof from crashing down.

Every sexual abuse survivor needs solid support if they’re going to decide to step forward and report their situation. Some women have the courage to do this publically and follow a lead from role models in entertainment and other visual positions. But most sexual abuse victims aren’t in the limelight. That’s the last thing they want.

Supporting Women to Report Sexual Abuse

The best support for encouraging victims to report sexual abuse comes from trained professionals at ground level. The first point of contact between an abuse victim and an authority figure is the initial sexual abuse report. It’s vital—absolutely critical—that the survivor is reassured she’s being taken seriously and will be helped. That starts with believing what she has to say.

Police officers, medical practitioners, and social service providers are much better trained and equipped today than 40 years ago when I began a career in investigating sexual abuse. Even sloth-like court systems have changed—for the better—how they hear evidence from sexual assault complainants. But… all authorities still have a long way to go before survivors automatically #TrustThem and women confidently report sexual abuse.

 

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-656-HOPE for the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

Join Garry, his wife, and daughter in actively supporting and volunteering for the Moose Hide Campaign, a grassroots movement of Indigenous and non-Indigenous men and boys who are standing up against violence towards women and children. 

Garry Rodgers is a retired Royal Canadian Mounted Police detective spending his 20-year law-enforcement career investigating serious criminal offenses like murder and all forms of sexual abuse. Garry’s second career was a forensic coroner specializing in sudden and unexplained death investigations. Now, he’s a professional writer (find Garry’s books here), bestselling author, and host of the popular blog at www.DyingWords.net.

Garry Rodgers lives on Vancouver Island in beautiful British Columbia, Canada. Connect with Gary on Twitter and Facebook.

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