How Boundaries Can Help Us Avoid Burdens by guest Judith Staff @jcstaff_

Thrilled to have my good friend and #SexAbuseChat co-host, Judith Staff, here today to discuss boundaries. Excellent tips here, my friends. 

An online friend contacted me recently, her therapist was going on vacation and she would not have a session for an extended period, a number of weeks. She was very upset about this and in need of reassurance. I reminded her that I and a few others she chats with online, would be around as support. Her reply was “Yes, though…I don’t want to seem a burden.”

For some reason, I didn’t feel either pressured to help, nor weighed down by her distress, and felt able to provide the extra bit of support she needed. This raised my curiosity. I care and, having been in the same situation, I could completely empathize. So why did I not feel burdened? Was it a question of capacity at that time? Or was it something else?

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Whose Burden Is It?

“I don’t want to burden you….”

“I hate to be a burden, but….”

How many times have you heard this? As a survivor of abuse, how many times have you said it? Or even just thought it? Have you ever considered whether it is even possible to burden someone else? Is it just assumed that what we feel burdened by will burden others if we tell them about it?

Some people still have this antiquated view that we are meant to weather life with strength and resilience, overcoming whatever comes our way, when in actuality, we now know that asking for help when we need emotional support is actually the strongest thing we can do, if you are dealing with a PTSD condition just like the one mentioned above, check this new blue dream gummies on sale. It takes much courage to share our inner pain and strife with another, and in doing so, could begin to heal a hurt part of us. Even so, there is still a notion that people are “burdening” others with their woes when those others already have their own lives/families/troubles to worry about.

Let’s talk about burdening. When unpacking a word, even though I know what it means, I like to start with a dictionary definition (a hangover from a primary school education).

Burden – as a noun, it is defined as a difficult or heavy load. The verb form of the word “burden” is carrying this difficult or heavy load.

As for carrying it, traumatic experiences get inside our cells and can feel weighty to drag around. We may even feel shackled to them if they relate to our childhood and we have carried them over many years and decades. When we share our difficult or heavy emotional loads, we are not imposing a burden on the other person, we are looking for support.

By that same token, if they choose to support us, help us, they are not accepting a burden, they are simply caring, as those close to us hopefully would. As well, the burden is our interpretation of the issue. It may not weigh as heavy in their arms/heart.

The professional roles of therapists and counselors are directly related to helping us with what we feel burdened by in our lives. They are there to listen, give guidance and help us find ways to carry our burden more safely, or even find strategies to get rid of it. This is their paid job-role.

They also have (if good practice is valued) support in place in the form of supervision or counseling to cope with the emotional toll of secondary trauma or vicarious trauma, and ensure their boundaries, both emotional and professional, are firmly anchored providing a strong basis for their practice.

Also, carrying it in different ways can help. If we are carrying the burden and it feels super heavy, it could be the way we are holding it, and the other person may, in fact, have a better way of carrying the emotional weight which is more balanced and feels less cumbersome…. So, less burdensome.

Boundaries

One major area closely linked to this idea of burdening others is the concept of boundaries. Our boundaries, their boundaries and the boundaries of those we both interact with, personal/social/emotional/physical. According to the dictionary, boundaries are lines which define the limits of an area, or a dividing line.

A lack of boundaries or boundaries which are not securely in place can create a situation where a sharing their story can become a burden, or at least feel like one for the recipient when actually, it doesn’t need to be if they’ve put boundaries in place and maintain them responsibly. In relation to sharing our emotional and/or traumatic truths, let’s look at boundaries for a moment and the role they play in protecting us from added burdens.

My Boundaries

Carrying personal strife alone can feel isolating. It can cause at the very least, difficulty concentrating, feelings of preoccupation, sleeplessness and more. At the deeper end, it can cause depression, anxiety, and urges to self-harm or engage in harmful behaviors to cope with the ‘burden’, whatever it is that we feel weighed down by. Sharing with someone can help with this.

I say “can” because although the potential for it to be of benefit is huge, it depends on the context, the way we share, who we share with, and what happens after. This is where my/our boundaries play a role.

Choosing to share something we feel unsettled by or concerned about is a big decision. Once shared, it can’t be unshared. A friend once used the analogy of trying to get toothpaste back into the tube; it doesn’t go back in the way it came out. Because of this, it is very important that we give due consideration prior to sharing a personal story or piece of information.

Making a decision to share, especially if it pertains to a painful secret we have carried, such as a story of our abuse or neglect, can itself weigh heavy. Once we have decided to share, it may feel slightly lighter, which could be a good indication that we will benefit from sharing, if we choose the right person, place and time. This is an example of reviewing our boundaries, in relation to letting someone in on our secret or ‘burden.’

The next step is deciding who. Bear in mind that sometimes, depending on the size and gravity of the issue we share, it can alter the dynamic of the relationship in a number of ways.

Once, when I spent a summer hanging out with a teenage friend, I’d met through a summer job, she told me in confidence that she had secretly had an abortion. She shared this as she had been unable to share her secret with anybody prior to that day. Her family and indeed her school friends were Catholic.

She felt an enormous sense of shame at both becoming pregnant as a teenager, and also at choosing to have the pregnancy terminated. Her parents had prominent job roles and she felt pressured, particularly as an only child, to present herself as a “good girl” at all times.

I know now that is was a big deal for her to share that with me. She asked me not to tell anyone else. I sensed she was relieved at having shared it and comforted by my compassionate response. I did not judge her, merely felt sorry she had undergone such a scary experience alone and was living with the uneasiness of both what she had done and the fear that she might be found out and what people would think or say if they knew.

Although this friend had undergone a traumatic time, finding herself pregnant and then seeking a way to terminate the pregnancy without her parents knowing, she had kept her boundaries safe and chose to share the story with me only when she felt safe enough in our relationship to do so. By allowing herself to share, it lifted some of the immense weight she was carrying with the secret and gave her some reassurance that she did what she thought was best at the time.

Their Boundaries

It is up to us to set our own boundaries because only we know where they feel comfortable and only we have the power to guard them. In the same vein, it is up to everyone else to set and maintain theirs. This is why we can never truly “burden” someone. It becomes a burden to them, or for them, when their own boundaries are either misplaced, absent or not being protected adequately.

If our friends and close ones have their boundaries secure, they are not at risk of feeling burdened by anything we or others share with them. They may feel affected and have an emotional response, but that is different from feeling burdened, or obligated to carry our pain for/with us.

If someone in our close inner circle, whom we choose to share with, has not got their boundaries in place and guarded, then they will be at risk of feeling the responsibility of what we share, weighing on their heart. At this point, our hurt becomes a burden for them.

People who are known as empaths are particularly at risk for not having safe and secure boundaries. They care too much for others and cannot bear to see others in discomfort, which provokes them to try and carry others burdens for them. An impossibility, for obvious reasons. The world would be a much sadder place if not for empaths, however, they need support to keep their boundaries in place, so they don’t fall prey to carrying the weight of the world, or at least their close friends and family, on their shoulders.

Sometimes, those with unsafe boundaries can seem so kind and caring, but they are easily overwhelmed and for that reason can be unreliable confidants, purely for the reason they are often burned out themselves from all the caring they offer others.

Managing Triggers

So, once we have our boundaries clearly set and feel able to be there for those who may need our support and input with something that might be burdening them, we need to take a moment to think about triggers. Our triggers. What triggers us?

Thinking of what we find triggering can help us to be a little more prepared for going into situations and making sure we are in fact the best person to help. We cannot sidestep every trigger, but we can identify our common ones and make sure we manage them, steering clear of situations we may find emotionally intolerable.

I knew an acquaintance who seemed to be struggling. Despite myself and others trying to help her and listening to her problems, she did not seem to make progress, just always seemed in distress over one thing or another. One morning, she arrived late at a sports competition with her child.

The rest of us were already there with our children ready. She was full of drama and about how she was late and had no sleep, having been out late with a friend the night before.

She was rough with the child and told them to hurry up and change their clothes. The child quietly began to cry, and I felt something rise up in me. I managed to control my voice, gave the mother some money and firmly suggested she leave the child with me and to go get herself a coffee and take five. The mother was grateful. So was I when she left the room. I comforted the child, distracted her and put her hair up ready for the competition.

Later that day, back at home, I revisited the scenario at the sports competition and thought about what specifically had been the gut-punch for me.

Suddenly, it was clear. She was exactly like my own mother had been when I was growing up. My mother had borderline personality disorder and was very self-absorbed and volatile.

The more I thought about this woman and her behavior, the more I realized that I found her interactions with the child exceedingly jarring, and I found the woman herself rather triggering, as my mother’s complex parenting had a lasting traumatic impact on me.

Once I had worked this out for myself, I could make sure that I avoided the woman’s presence, though was there for the child as needed. The woman had a circle of support around her and by withdrawing from that, I was not putting her in isolation or impacting on the level of help she had access to. As well, this informed my boundaries in that relationship, as it was very obvious that I would be sacrificing my own well-being by having her in my social circle.

Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries which are firm, consistent and confidently maintained are the healthiest. If people have the strength and energy to keep their boundaries in place and not fall prey to pressure, manipulation or even inadvertent guilt, they are much less likely to feel burdened by anyone else’s issues.

Owning our own issues and being clear about issues which belong to others is a great way for us to be there for people. Keeping emotional stability in place while supporting a friend or loved one is a way of using our boundaries to protect us.

This is not to be confused with being cold. We will still feel empathy and compassion, but we will not feel responsible for sorting out their issue or fixing their pain. We may even feel a range of emotions ourselves.

Recently, I helped my daughter through the death of her friend’s mother. It was sudden and a shock and was the first time our daughter had faced such a loss. She needed guidance and direction to support her young friend. By keeping my own boundaries in place, I was able to manage my own emotion around the child’s grief and loss, while being available to my own daughter as she was supporting the other child.

Final Thoughts 

This is a lot to think about, but to simplify it, here are a few tips. As a caring friend, these are just a few things that help me to keep my boundaries fixed in place, and make sure I don’t feel burdened by anyone’s journey.

• If holding firm to your boundaries is difficult, have a support champion – a sister, close friend or partner who can help you to stick fast when you feel yourself wavering.
• Develop a growing awareness of what you find upsetting, in the news or in books/films; these could be issues that although they are not triggering, they may cause you to over-identify which will compromise your ability to remain objective when supporting a friend.
• You are not Atlas. You are not…. Atlas. If you need to use this as a mantra, go ahead. You do not have to take on the weight of the whole world. I have raised my children with the phrase “If you can help, help.” This is because it is important for me to have compassionate, kind children. But a friend recently pointed out gently that helping needs to not be at the expense of our own safety or sacrificing our well-being. Good point well made.
• Finally, you probably saw this one coming: Self-care. At all times, be compassionate with yourself. That old cliché about always putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others rings true for a reason. You are no good to anyone if you are not being gentle and nurturing to yourself. And remember, concrete boundaries are a great form of self-care!

So, make yourself available to those who need your love and understanding, by all means. Just make sure that you don’t end up feeling burdened. If you do, check your boundaries, and prioritize your own well-being for your benefit and theirs. If you don’t have the capacity to help just now, respect that; there will be someone else out there who does.

~ Judith Staff

Judith Staff is a teacher in early years with a background in safeguarding and child trauma. She teaches part-time and also delivers training across various sectors including education, police, social care and the voluntary sector.  Judith writes in her spare time, and her work can be found at www.judithstaffmusings.com.

She also has had work published at Feminine Collective, Our Frontcover, Heart, and Humanity, and Say It Forward. A number of pieces of her writing and poetry focus on sexual assault and related trauma. Professionally, she has written several commissioned articles for Optimus Education.

Judith is married to an artist, and lives in Northamptonshire England, just north of London, with her husband, three children, and two cats.

 

 

Read more about Rachel’s experiences in the award-winning book, Broken Pieces.

She goes into more detail about living with PTSD and realizing the effects of how being a survivor affected her life in

Broken Places, available in print everywhere!