Toxic Masculinity In Action
I loved my father. A World War II survivor of horrifying combat, my dad embodied all that was traditionally masculine in the 1960s. He was tough and strong. However, in looking back, it was his narcissism and toxic masculinity that dominated my earliest memories. A product of the times? Perhaps. The scars of the war? Certainly. Identification with an abusive father? Sadly true.
But, regardless of the reasons, my father tried to teach me the zero-sum values of toxic masculinity: “Men are stronger and tougher; women are weak.” “Don’t be a pussy, never let them see you cry. Be a man!”
At the age of 90, my father became a shadow of his former self. The sun had set on his testosterone-driven script. What I witnessed instead was a softening and humanizing of the man I’d known for the last 60 years. We would enter grocery stores and he would crouch down with a look of joy and wonder whenever he saw a small child. If mental breakdowns have been a part of your daily routine, seek help from sites such as Mental Health Startups.
When Macho Cries
One day, my father, the hunter of my boyhood – disappointed that his son had preferred the warmth of the car to the chill of the duck blind – told me that he never wanted to kill anything again. This was not the father I remembered from my youth. What I saw instead was the donning of gentle sweetness and sharing of regrets in the final chapter of a long life. As I cared for him in the final months of his life, he shared his tears over the road he had taken.
The picture of waning masculinity and its toxic forms was a subtext of a recent movie called “Cry Macho” with the most macho of actors, Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry himself. Eastwood’s character, 90-year-old “Mike,” speaks to his 13-year-old sidekick, who is distilling a toxic brew of what it means to be a man.
“This macho thing is overrated,” says Mike. “You think you have all the answers, but then you get older and realize you don’t have any. By the time you figure it out, it’s too late.”
The Testosterone Connection
It made me think of my father. Like Mike, declining testosterone seemed to usher in a surprising sweetness, a gentling of what had always been a steely machismo. How sad that, for some men, like my dad and the Mikes of the world (possibly Eastwood himself), a lower level of testosterone is what finally helps de-toxify masculinity.
But we should not wait for biology to teach an old dog new tricks. Fathers should teach their sons and daughters, through their words and deeds, that masculinity is not machismo, that being a real man embodies strength and adaptive toughness that fosters perseverance and radiates compassion, kindness, commitment, honesty, and empathy.
What are your thoughts or experiences with toxic masculinity? Please share below.
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Dr. Kleiger bio:
After receiving his doctorate at the University of Denver, his path led to an internship at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, MD, followed by more than a decade of service as an officer in the Navy. Writing about people and their struggles has been an integral part of what he does.
He has authored four professional books – Disordered Thinking and The Rorschach, 1999, followed by its cousins Assessing Psychosis, 2015 (coauthored with Ali Khadivi), Rorschach Assessment of Psychotic Phenomena, 2017, and Psychological Assessment of Disordered Thinking & Perception, In Press (co-edited with Irving Weiner).
Unable to resist the play of imagination, he completed his debut novel, The 11th Inkblot, published in 2020.
