Kindergarten Nonsense: Restaurant Edition
THE VAGINA RULES (guest post)
I’m thrilled to present the hilariously talented writer Erica Lucke Dean. Here’s her bio:
I write romantic comedy, paranormal, and suspense novels. I blog about life and other assorted ridiculous things. And I laugh at myself when I trip.
I now present her terrifically funny post. This chick and I understand each other so well.
The Vagina Rules
I was chatting with a friend the other day.
We were basically having a group venting session, dredging up everything that irritates us about life, and people in general. It felt really good to give the proverbial “stab” to the things we find annoying. And when talking about the stuff that bugs us, the conversation always manages to come around to the topic of men…specifically husbands.
So this is how it went…Fake people? Stab. Snobby people? Stab. Husbands? Stab, stab, stab!!!
Living with a man is often enough to make a girl dream of a deserted island, a bottle of chardonnay, and a dirty romance novel. And “honey” can stay at home, thank you very much to the product like the True Pheromones which I used to make my honey stayed beside me!
My friend finally summed it up by saying, “When it comes to men…honestly, I only like the sex. But I could get that without having to live with them, check this vibrating underwear guide and learn what I am talking about.”
Food for thought, for sure.
But I had to disagree. I like having a guy. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with his shit.
For example…My husband has this really annoying habit of refusing to talk to me just because I don’t understand what he’s trying to say. I can’t seem to drill it into his head that he needs to explain things. I mean, really explain things. I was like…dude, I’m a woman. We need more words. Lots of words. Full sentences if you can manage it. Hell, if you have time, draw a map.
The more information the better.
Did hubby get the point? Of course not. Instead, he gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the evening.
And he wonders why I get pissed off.
What is it about guys?
They say they love women. They claim to want a woman in their lives. But they refuse to understand the inner workings of a woman.
So what’s a girl to do?
I just gave it to him straight. “If you want a vagina…you have to play by the vagina’s rules.”
And ladies, let’s face it…the vagina has a whole lot of rules.
This vagina likes to be talked to. And listened to. I don’t mean gaping at me with a dazed expression and the faint sound of crickets chirping in the background. No, I want real listening. The kind that might even include appropriate responses from time to time. I know you’re pretending to listen. You know you’re pretending to listen. Let’s just stop pretending and actually talk.
It’s called a “conversation” guys. I know…big word. Look it up.
The vagina also likes attention. But I don’t mean JUST the vagina. You guys seem to think there’s only part of a woman that needs attention. Trust me…that’s as far from the truth as you can get. I know it’s a foreign concept. I know the penis is the control center of the man. That is the reason why some women decided to tighten thier vagina so they could take control. Read more about how they did it on https://boostyourbodyhq.com – always be cautious regarding this things.
But like I said before…if you want a vagina you’d better figure out how it works.
Think of the vagina as a sink. It’s a broad generalization, but stay with me here. If you want to fill a sink with water, no amount of touching the sink is going to get the job done. You have to turn on the faucet. The faucet is the control center.
Are you still with me?
Find the control center in the woman. Start with the conversation (that’s the talking part, remember?); from there, you can find your way to the other stuff.
Basically, a vagina is a complex organism controlled by an even more complex organism…a woman. But trust me, if you take the time to figure it out, your life (and ours) will be a whole lot easier. If you’re suffering from yeast and bacterial vaginosis, it may be time to consider using Flower Power – boric acid suppositories to treat the symptoms.
So I’m sure you’re wondering how my husband responded to my list of rules. The same way he responds to everything…in as few words as possible. Hey, it’s all good. For as little as he said, I’m pretty sure he got the point.
A vagina has a whole lot of rules, but what it all comes down to is this…
Vaginas rule!
Comments welcome, retweets and mentions loved.
You should follow Erica on her blog here, Twitter and Facebook. Somehow she blogs every day and still has a family and like, three books in submission with agents. I think she’s part Borg.
Be sure to join me back here on Saturday, 10/22 for Blog Tour de Force to win your free copy of THE EVIL WITHIN horror anthology as well as all twelve participating authors’ books AND a chance at a free Kindle. Yea, baby.
LAUGHING AT OTHERS (A GUEST POST BY LORCA DAMON)
I’m thrilled to present you with one of my favorite writers, Lorca Damon. She’s smart, funny, and we cannot get through a conversation without laughing our asses off. That’s always a good sign for a guest post, right?
Well, when I learned more about Lorca’s real life, I found myself even more astounded by her amazing sense of humor. I hope you can see why, too.
LAST CHANCE — MIDNIGHT TONITE, BABY
If you STILL haven’t picked up a FREE copy of Dollars & Sense: The Definitive Guide to Self-Publishing Success here (as part of the Menage A Blog blog tour) from the Queen of Snark, you have until midnight tonight to leave me a comment and I’ll send you the Smashwords coupon code for a free download (remember, no eReader required to read an eBook; just a smartphone or computer).
TOOTHPASTE. DECONSTRUCTED.
Eighteen years of separate sinks.
THE GRIM REAPER OF COFFEE
Life has been a little crazy here at RachelintheOC.
Men Deconstructed — Contest Winners, Baby
If you recall, I posted a contest on my site last week where I invited anyone who was brave enough to take on the pile of words that came out of the anagram of these three little words: THE MALE EGO.
The Male Ego. Deconstructed. A Contest?
As much as men want to protest with regard to what I write about (The Mancode), there really is no arguing with the fact that there are years of study dedicated to men and their behavior–um, Freud, Jung much?
Sure, people discuss the ID, and the subconscious, but when it comes right down to it, many issues in relationships can be traced directly to THE MALE EGO (I was just on a road trip. I know. Let’s. Not. Discuss. Directions.)
Fellas, you may have the best of intentions when it comes to your chicks but there’s no denying that you are dudes. Whether you believe in God or apes, it doesn’t take a genius to see that the um, equipment is different. And with those characteristics comes er, complications.
But I’m not here to get into all of that. I want to talk simply about the male ego in its most pure form.
In fact, let’s take just those three little words: THE MALE EGO and oh, deconstruct them…cause ya know, that’s what I do, baby.
In fact, I had a little anagram fun with THE MALE EGO (in no particular order):
Ogle, eagle, hotel, hoe, meet, mega, omega, game, lame, hole, goal, mole, lam, ale, heel, heal, meal, theme, tome, leg, tag, eel, gee, get, team, log, hat, math, gal, lag, ago, melt, meat, ah, ha, alto, eat, ate, hag, oh, mate, hate, gate, goat, heat, metal, hale, late, lego, go, home, gale, age, male, ego, the.
I found this exercise amusing because some of these words are so incredibly male in the purest sense of the word: I mean, how much more male can ogle be? Especially when put together with meat, metal, log, hotel, heat, melt, and goal? Come on! (I tried really um, hard? to spell penis, boob, or Star Wars but it just wouldn’t work, dammit.)
So I’ve devised a little contest for any of you who’d like to take it on (I didn’t say “who are man enough” cause I want chicks to bring it, too):
• Pick a minimum of ten words– or go crazy and pick all of them–from THE MALE EGO. DECONSTRUCTED pile and write me a little story. Give your male ego character a night out. He can meet the babe of his dreams, cheat on his chick, do it with a goat (one of the words, by the way)—I don’t care—just use all of your words and make it interesting.
• 100 words or less, baby. I WILL count.
• I’m the ultimate decision-maker (Queen of Snark, remember?) and if your words amuse me and you have decent spelling and grammar, I’ll post the TOP FIVE STORIES on my blog next Monday, January 10 for #MentionMonday. Don’t get all pissy if I don’t pick you. Be a grownup. It probably just means you forgot how to spell a lot (pet peeve) or the difference between your and you’re (another pet peeve) so watch out.
• You must click the FOLLOW button here on my blog to participate #der (just up there on the right) — or get the insta-boot with my sexy black Prada heels.
• The deadline is this Sunday, January 9, 9PM PST.
• Send your story to my email: [email protected]. Any questions, shoot me a DM on my Twitter stream or Facebook.
Meanwhile, I’m back to editing my ebook A WALK IN THE SNARK: THE BEST OF RACHELINTHEOC which will be available for $.99 to all of you peeps in about two weeks on Amazon, Smashwords, iBook–everywhere, baby.
Now go create some deconstructed men…or something. Yea!
An Accidental Hunter AND Gatherer
Today’s guest blog is by my wonderful Twittter friend (and sometime editor) Cristina @StreetLights94 — a terrific writer, teacher, mother, and all-around quality human. She’s also a wife.