This week’s Indie Ink challenge: IT’S JUST ANOTHER TOOL
TOUCH
She feels his hands holding her soul.
Keeping the garden of her emotions,
Close inside his fist.
Meeting her rush of words,
With a silent finger.
Shhhh….
CHICKIE NO TALKIE (A #CHICKSPEAK POST)
Women speak a language all our own.
This is not news to men.
When we say “I’m fine,” the smart men among you have figured out that we are anything but, and you circle around us like vultures going in for the kill. Which you are really…if you have any hope of ever getting laid again. Finding out why we are not fine, usually simply by asking us (it’s not rocket science, dear), is the best way back into our good graces (yes, I mean beds).
Today I’m going to discuss our other language—our non-verbals. You know, the crossed arms, rolled eyes, and quiet glares that at times do quite nicely in place of “oh no he didn’t.”
Surely you know of what I speak.
You are a man, after all.
Let’s deconstruct, shall we?
• Crossed arms: usually when a person (male or female) crosses their arms during conversation, people interpret this as a sign that you have closed yourself off to what they are saying (which may or may NOT be the case. Some people simply prefer to listen with their arms crossed.)
Chicks however, when we are mad or irritated with you, will cross our arms as well as jut out one hip. This conveys that not only are you in the doghouse, but that you are to turn on the groveling channel—clearly you know what channel that is since you control the remote.
The Morning After Pill
I had the unfortunate displeasure of watching Kathie Lee Gifford on the later segment of The TODAY Show the other morning as I was getting ready in our hotel room.
I never watch the TODAY show or anything having to do with that annoying woman so I was a little taken aback to see her. Well, actually I heard THAT VOICE. Seriously, why is she still on TV? It must be purely for our entertainment, and not in a good way.
(It pains me to even write her name, so I shall heretofore refer to her as KLG. Hoda is pretty cool though.)
I really have no idea what this particular morning’s show was about (Is it ever about anything? Really?). I just happened to tune in when they had on two guest OB/GYNs. KLG & Hoda were discussing, get this, birth control options.
I thought KLG’s head was going to explode.
The discussion went as such (with a few RachelintheOC flourishes):
OMG—birth control? Cover Kody’s ears! Sex before marriage? NOT MY KODY! I will DIE before that happens. Hurry, Hoda, put those condoms away, KLG hissed. Kody might SEE.
How can people be so CALM about this? asked KLG. The only national emergency I see here is allowing our kids to have sex before marriage. Lock them up! What do you MEAN it’s not a federal crime? she asked Hoda. What kind of country is this?
KLG’s eyes were positively wild with fear. We will not put birth control on TV, NBC. I will quit. Our children cannot know that such things exist, I would bet money she fumed to her producers right before the segment was up. You mean a woman can actually kill a potential LIFE by taking a pill if she thinks she might be pregnant? Well, jeepers, Hoda, I never thought I’d live to see the day. It’s just, just…disgusting is what it is. Look at my face, people. These googly eyes don’t lie.
Honestly, this ridiculously vacuous America’s Sweetheart needs to GO AWAY. Her face was filled with such rage and disapproval over the topic of birth control for our “children.” You could just feel the anger she felt at the betrayal of her religious beliefs being splashed all over national television. How dare their guests mention (gasp!) condoms and emergency birth control for our (slaps cheeks) little babies? We must teach abstinence! Or we should expect God’s wrath.
I’m not saying this only because of my personal beliefs. KLG was an embarrassment to the physician guests trying in vain to get a single word in to their special mother and daughter audience (and hello?) national audience as well. The chick just isn’t doing the job the geniuses at NBC are paying her to do. Call me crazy but somehow inserting your religious beliefs and being judgmental over a teenage national health issue (crisis) seems, to me, like she’s not doing her job.
Poor Hoda – I can’t imagine what it’s like to deal with such a politically close-minded woman, daily. Yet people seem to love this inane waste of space. Why?
Do you want to know what bothers me the most? I’ve never been a fan of hers; I can say that with all honesty. But I did quasi-respect the success she achieved early on in the typically male-dominated arena of morning news of the early 80s. She successfully parlayed that exposure into several admittedly tacky affordable clothing lines of dubious origin, various and sundry gaudy jewelry lines, as well as a questionable singing and acting career. While any shred of respect I had for her was pretty much slim, she made it was easy to go to none from there. (And don’t even get me started on the plastic surgery. Oy.)
So, where does that leave me and KLG? Well, you can be sure I won’t be tuning in to watch her–not that I ever did before. But I damn sure won’t ever tune in again.
Even if I just want to watch her head explode.